Posted on 12/19/2015 6:54:31 AM PST by Kaslin
If you're a human American over the age of 2, I'm betting I know what you're doing this weekend: you're going to see "Star Wars: The Force Awakens."
The seventh film in the Star Wars series, it had a banner opening night, raking in as much as $60 million. Rentrak projects it will end up earning more than $3 billion.
Which is all to say, the empire surely will not miss my $20.
That's right -- I'm not seeing "Star Wars." So, fans, you don't have to worry -- there won't be any spoilers in this column. I've gone 36 years without seeing more than five collective minutes of the movies and I don't plan to start now.
I have nothing against these movies I've never seen -- although, to be honest, I've never been much of a fantasy fan. Giant glow sticks, Yoda the Hutt and talking R2-3POs aren't my bag. But who knows? Maybe I'd love them. My political friends insist I'd dig their "overtly conservative" themes. Because that's why I go to the movies: politics.
But I'll never know. Peak "Star Wars" is ruining any lingering curiosity I ever had about the movies.
I don't fancy myself a rebel. I love to go with the crowds. Yes, I saw the "Entourage" movie, even though I knew it would be garbage. I didn't just see "The Hunger Games" movies, I read the books. Of course I love Adele.
I'm not above a bandwagon. But there's a time when "buzz" reaches a tipping point, and instead of surrendering to the gravitational pull of mass obsession and joining in, you decide: Nope. Not this time, groupthink. I'm out.
I don't remember "Star Wars" ubiquity ever being this unavoidable. For movies that take place in a galaxy far, far away, they sure have managed to takeover planet Earth. "Star Wars" is stuffed into every commercial crevice of the country. It's overtaking Christmas as the most annoying part of Christmas. Visitors from whatever planet Carrie Fisher comes from would think December 25 is when we celebrate the birth of Darth Vader.
You can't go into a store -- even stores you wouldn't expect "Star Wars" to infiltrate -- without being hit over the head with branding.
CoverGirl has a line of "Star Wars" themed makeup. I know when I'm getting ready I think, How can I look like I just fended off a stormtrooper on a dusty desert planet?
Adidas and Vans, of course, have "Star Wars" sneaks. And I'd love to meet the adult men with pictures of Han Solo on their shoes.
Coffee-Mate makes "Star Wars" character creamers. Something called a Chewbacca adorns the spiced latte flavor. Because, reasons.
But by far the most obnoxious branding effort yet is "Star Wars" themed fruit and vegetables, which Disney justifies by insisting that putting Harrison Ford on a bag of apples is a good way to get kids to eat healthier. (Did you know Disney has a "licensed fruit and vegetables portfolio"? I didn't either, but it really makes you wonder what a company can't commercialize.)
Not surprisingly, "Star Wars" porn is seeing a bit of a boom. Retailer GameLink says sales of "Star Wars XXX" have surged 500 percent in the last two weeks. I guess the force really has awakened.
Aside from annoying me, it would seem like the "Star Wars" marketing machine would anger purists. And yet I don't hear anyone complaining. I asked two of my biggest "Star Wars" fan friends, whom I respect and adore and hope are still my friends after reading this, if any of this saturation bothers them. Both said not even a little.
I don't get it -- I love "Seinfeld," but I don't want to buy Kramer creamer or Elaine-inspired lipstick. Nor do I want to know that, somewhere, someone's getting turned on by a George Costanza parody porno.
On a deeper level, the best part of fandom is the immeasurable joy of feeling like you're part of a special community of brethren, with whom you speak a special language. When your secret club is the entire universe -- and it's all on sale! -- it doesn't feel much like a community anymore.
I've got nothing against "Star Wars" or its fans. Part of me really wants to experience their world. But turning mine into one giant "Star Wars" strip mall is only ensuring I never will.
Make that three.
LOL! Good way to put it. I guess I just don’t like fantasy and cyber space stuff.
Oops — that was the wrong thing to say! I love cyberspace internet, and those good/bad cowboy/indian movies were really actors acting. But there really WERE cowboy and Indians duking it out. I guess in the future we WILL meet bad aliens in outer space.
Right now, I’m probably just a boring feet on the solid ground sort of person. I bring yawns.
Yep. I've seen the first six and I'm indifferent about the new one.
First off, I've always been a Star Trek Man, not a Star Wars Man.
Second, the Star Wars fans themselves are the reason why I'm turned off from their franchise. I enjoyed the original trilogy in the 80s as the silly popcorn films they were. Cheesy escapist entertainment. But then the prequels came out and hearing the endless hype from "the fans" about how The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones were the MUST SEE movie of the year and "GWEATEST, M0ST EPIC, EVENT EVARRRRRRRRRRR!!!" really left me tired of Star Wars and their "fans" (and even after admitting it sucked, they still rushed out to see it again when George Lucas announced that Jar Jar Binks would be back on the big screen in 3D for a cash grab re-release a decade later). Say what you want about Trekkies, but none of us plan on rushing out to theaters if a mediocre Trek film like Insurrection was ever re-released in 3D, nor did we run around pretending that Star Trek Into Darkness was "amazing" and "epic" and "the must see film of the year".
From what I hear, Abrams pretty much just copied the format of the original 1977 film for the new one, scene-by-scene, and substituted different characters accordingly (e.g. Kylo Ren has the Luke Skywalker role of a young brash kid who is thrown into a crisis situation and wants to be a Jedi, Luke Skywalker himself takes the Obi Wan Kenobi "older mentor" role from the original film who reluctantly agrees to take him under his wing, etc.) Wouldn't surprise me since Abrams did the last Star Trek movie and they shamelessly copied scenes and dialogue from Wrath of Khan. Star Trek 12 mined Star Trek 2 for material, and apparently Star Wars VII apes the first one (or "Episode IV", depending on your point of view).
The only variables I wonder about is how much lens flare JJ Abrams put into the movie, and how much screen time the original cast have (I would be surprised if Harrison Ford has more than 15 mins. screentime in this one)
It is shaping up to be a decent space opera.
The first one, I waited in line to see. The second one I made sure to get at the head of the line. The third on stunk so bad I haven’t wasted my hard earned dollars to go see. Actually, I have two free movie tickets to see anything and I’m still passing on this.
I was amazed at the repetition of plot lines. I guess it’s a winning formula in their minds.
"There are parts of the Republican party in which gay marriage has already been decided," Cupp said. "For Log Cabin Republicans like myself, the GOProud crowd, there are people who have already reconciled -- within the party -- gay marriage."
Actually, Harrison Ford is the male lead for the entire movie basically. Which comes with its own set of silly problems.
Just depressing.
I don’t mind anyone’s love for Star Wars. We all have our things. I don’t mind people trying to make a buck on them either.
But I apparently miss the Star Wars gene. I have trouble staying focused actually on ANY fantasy shows, books, etc. it just doesn’t interest me at all. I wish it did; I’m probably missing something. But that’s just how I am.
For someone who doesn’t like Star Wars, Star Wars sure lives rent-free in his head.
“Some people are incapable of just having a good time. More popcorn for me, I suppose.”
Well, enjoy my portion of the popcorn. Last movie I saw cost $2 and that’s all I’d pay now. Actually wouldn’t go to a crowded theater at any price (to pay ME).
>>S.E. Cupp is a lib pretending to be conservative (some of the time). From Medeaite in 2012:
I’d still hit it. ;-)
Congratulations.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Go to Mos Eisley movie theater: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. You must be cautious. The popcorn prices are very high.
Vader makes a pinching motion and S.E. Cupp starts choking.
I’m reading less than great things about the movie.
Waiting for Perdogg’s review.
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