Posted on 12/23/2008 12:09:15 AM PST by goldstategop
Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a male-female hour every week.
The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is not in the mood and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.
There are marriages with the opposite problem -- a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of He wants, she doesn't want.
It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.
First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wifes refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.
This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.
When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:
1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.
4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldnt expect sex when I'm not in the mood.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.
Lets deal with each of these responses.
1. You have to be kidding.
The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different -- and how seemingly more primitive -- men's sexual nature is compared to women's.
Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.
But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage -- no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says. (Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).
Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What excessive means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual natures desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.
3. Not my man.
Many women will argue, understandably, My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when Im too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.
The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.
Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.
Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.
4. You have it backward.
Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to -- women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)
But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood -- see Part II next week.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband.
This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.
In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.
I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.
"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus
This is an important topic. While I agree with Dennis here considerably, I would like to hear his comments on mood. I don’t think mood should be a frequent consideration, but I do believe it can be an honest consideration.
"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus
Nor anywhere else. Ever. I am tired of being told that women don't have sex drives.
I determined that the four prime motivations of all humans was/is;
Get stoned
get laid
eat
sleep
Over the years, I've continually updated those four and found that they really haven't changed that much.
Love is a decision, and the magic and romance happens daily/nightly as I/we discover ...
We chose wisely.
3:45 AM .. what the hell am I doing awake at this unGodly hour, commenting like this?
"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus
Sex? ....I seem to have some vague memories of that......
I will concur with knarf in asking what the hell am I doing awake at this unGodly hour, commenting like this?”, but since I am here I couldn’t help myself.
While I agree to everything you said about the nature of man, and I have no problem with that. He needs no encouragement whatsoever to be ready to go on a moments notice.
Women can do that as well, in fact its much easier for a woman to be ready at any time. She doesn’t have to perform, unless you consider acting a performance.
I would think that any man would much rather be making love to a woman who is into it rather than one that is doing her duty, even if it is because she loves him.
It is so simple. All you have to do is engage her heart. Let her know you love all of HER, that is those parts of her that are not sexual as well as the sexual side of her.
My husband would walk up behind me when I was standing at the kitchen sink, squeeze my shoulder and be on his way. A simple thing, but a thing that said a lot. When he left in the morning he would kiss me goodbye like many couples do everyday, but he would put his hand on the side of my face and deliberately take those few seconds to speak to ME and tell me he loved me. When you are in public, do you hold her hand? Women like for others to see that you love her. It makes her girlfriends jealous and in her mind that is always a good thing.
It is a two way street if you want to have the best. Otherwise it is just like animals, but believe me it is so much better if it is on a human level and if both parties are into it.
There are also a lot of men that think/expect women to be like them.
I loved this article! I can’t wait for part II. When you get older you realize these things. At least my husband and I have. You never hear the words “make love” anymore. Everyone talks about “having sex”! It drives me crazy to hear young people talk like that. I think they have no clue how good it can be when you “make love” and take the time to enjoy each other!
I can’t wait to show this article to my husband!
“Sex? ....I seem to have some vague memories of that......”
Been getting any on the side?
It’s been so long I didn’t know they moved it!!!!
Mr. Prager should grow up.
Women don’t necessarily “deny” their husbands sex. He makes married sex sound like something that is a given, paid for one time on the wedding day. Worse, he seems to make a threat: if you don’t . . . Sex shouldn’t be a threat, a weapon, or relegated to a bodily function.
Remember that if you want to change a woman’s mood, you should talk to her or get her to talk to you.
The other side of the coin is that women don’t function like men. We have not been conditioned to react sexually to the same cues. Our bodies are slower to become aroused: imagine being asked to perform immediately after sex - nearly every doggone time - and you’ll understand the woman’s physiology a little bit better.
Another thing, sex wakes us up — just the opposite of a man’s reaction, again.
Quite a bit of this “need” is conditioning, btw. I hear of men raised in Mexico who think they need sex several times a day - if they are the least bit aroused, they believe they *need* sex.
Fascinating article. On the one hand, I agree, on the other I don’t. You can’t change biology and you certainly can’t change the way women look at men.
Being married in the long term means sacrifice for both parties. And it’s the lot of the married male to sacrifice quietly for the greater good. That’s just the way it is. If you can’t accept that, then as a male you should probably refrain from marriage.
This article goes a long way to explain why younger men are choosing not to marry and why cohabitating is so popular. It’s not so much unwillingness to commit to a relationship, it’s the unwillingness to commit to a long term relationship where you’re going to have to make unheralded sacrifices. Everyone wants a gold star to reward their good behavior, and you’re just not going to get one in a marriage.
And marriage is certainly not about sex. To a lot of men, sex is a primary motivation and as such I think they would be wise to either reconsider it’s importance, or failing that, stay single.
As to “needing” sex several times a day, do they “need” it even once? The terms used do not describe what goes on. It is not a matter of “need” unless you consider breating a “need”, or hunger or thirst a “need”. The sex drive for the male of every mamilian species is on the same level as hunger, thirst etc. It is basic, it is what drives them.
It is all part of what makes them men, the hunter, the protector etc. It is not what they want to be, it is what they ARE. And if you call what you want, need, then yes they do need it 3 times a day and more if they have they physical endurance for it. It is not their choice. In the article the man said that men being faithful to one wife is a huge sacrifice. That is true, it goes totally against his nature.
bump for later
I REALLY think Prager has lost it.
‘Townhall’ should stick to politics and not the politcs of sex. . .
I know where you are coming from. I pretty much agree. I do think the occasional mood excuse is reasoned. I don’t think it should be more than very occasional, because otherwise the guy does get the message that his needs aren’t very important. He ultimately gets the message that he isn’t valued by his mate. That realization is destructive to man’s ego, and his sense of well being.
The mood thing is so hard for guys to understand. Frankly, there simply isn’t a mood excuse in my book for me. The act of making love is the ultimate rescue from being down. If my mood sucks, this is the very thing that can turn that around.
That’s why men (who I think pretty much agree with my take here), simply cannot fathom a mood excuse. And frankly, the more than occasional mood excuse is a clear signal that something is fundamentally wrong with the woman’s outlook.
Now she may have a valid reason for that outlook, but if she does, then she should come clean with the man and explain what is causing the mood. If he is displeasing her in some way, she must tell him, or get back to loving him fully.
It’s nice to see women who understand what Prager is talking about.
I look forward to relations with my wife. It’s quite disheartening to hear on occasion that she doesn’t feel like it.
There have been times when I was in no condition to have relations with my wife. But I have to tell you, I was driven to anyway. It baffles me to hear women talk about the deed as if it were a chore.
Good grief. It’s a little bit of heaven on earth, and some folks talk about it like it was taking out the trash. It draws me incredible closer, and having read some of the posts here, it sounds as if it drives some people apart just thinking about it.
Sad.
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