A horse walks into a bar...
Bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"
Sounds like a roundabout origin for the joke about the three assassin recruits who, one by one, were handed a pistol loaded with blanks and told to go into a room where one of their loved ones was waiting and to kill their loved one to prove that they had "what it takes" to be an assassin.
(From a Monty Python sketch)
===========
An Irishman, driving home from the pub after consuming many pints, is pulled over by a police officer.
The officer walks up to the window and says, "Have you been drinking this evening?"
The Irishman says, "Aye, sir, just a wee bit. Why do you ask?"
The officer says, "Well, you were weaving all over the road, and your wife fell out of the car about two miles back."
The Irishman, with a great look of relief on his face, says, "Oh, thank goodness! For a while there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear. It's language offended hardened sailors.
On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried witty put downs. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of blue words.
On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult involving his mother, a goat and the local vicar the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:
"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language....could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"
Do you know why most men die before their wives?
They want to.
This is the best joke. They were repairing the street that ran past a convent. The workers cussed an awful lot and it upset the nuns. The Mother Superior went to the project super and complained. He told her that he hired rough crude men who called a spade a spade. Mother replied, No they call it f--king snovel.
If that ain't the best let me know cause I got another.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
In my opinion, the funniest jokes ever was by Leslie Nielson in those various Police Squad and Airplane movies. I can watch those movies with my kids over and over and we roll on the floor everytime. Wish they made more movies like that.
Thank you. I'll be here all week.
This is the funniest, clean one I know:
A baby is born into a Mafia family and it's time for the "Godfather" to present the baby. However, the baby was born without any ears, and everyone is warned not to make any mention of this to the Godfather. Positive comments only.
As the Godfather stands at the front of the room with the baby, the first nervous well-wisher approaches...
"Godfather, what a good looking baby boy... he gonna grow up to be an actor like Al Pacino."
"Thank you, thank you," says the Godfather.
The next well-wisher approaches...
"Godfather, what a big, healthy baby boy. He's gonna grow up to be an athlete like Joe DiMaggio," he says cautiously.
Thank you, thank you," says the Godfather.
The third man approaches. He looks at the baby. Does a double take and stares at the baby. The crowd in the room gets quiet. Then the man looks at the Godfather and says...
"Godfather, what's wrong with his eyes?"
The Godfather looks confused and says "His eyes? Nothing, why?"
The man expresses relief and says, "Woowh. That's good. 'Cause he ain't gonna be able to wear glasses."
bump
That could be the "shortest" funniest joke in history.
Michael Bentine was great on his own show, used to have animated models of the scenes on willow china etc, kamikaze beetles...
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk
my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never
had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat.
You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."
The boy stared wide eyed and said, "Yes."
The father continued, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal. It's called golf."
"Well," replies the shopkeeper, "this parrot has a very vulgar vocabulary. He used to live at the brothel that was just shut down."
The woman decides she wants the parrot anyway, so she arranges to have it delivered to her home the next day.
The parrot arrives, looks around the living room, looks at the woman, and says "New house, new madam!" The woman is at first offended, but then, considering the parrot's background, she laughs it off.
The woman's two teenage daughters walk into the living room. The parrot looks at them, and says "New house, new madam, new girls!" Again, with due consideration to the parrot's background, the woman and her daughters laugh it off.
The woman's husband, Alex, arrives home from work, and walks into the living room. The parrot looks at him, and says "Hi, Alex!"
Try this:
When I die I want to go like my father, without fear, without worry, sleeping peacefully.
I don't want to die fearful, terrified and screaming like the other 3 guys in the care he was driving.
I think it came second in the research the chap did.