The world's funniest joke was written by Spike Milligan

The Daily Telegraph (UK) ^ | June 9, 2006 | By Roger Highfield, Science Editor

[aculeus]

Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke.

Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.

Yesterday, at the Cheltenham Science Festival, Prof Wiseman said he has now discovered that it was almost certainly written by Milligan.

The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

"It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman. "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."

The material would have been written by Spike Milligan and the script reads:

Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.

Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?

Bentine: I think so.

Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?

Bentine: All right. Just a minute.

Sound of two gun shots.

Bentine: He's dead.

Prof Wiseman contacted Milligan's daughter, Sile, and she is as certain as she can be that he would have written the gag. She said she was "delighted that dad wrote the world's funniest joke".

Prof Wiseman said: "I think what is interesting here is that a joke from the 1950s still works, and how it has transformed over time from a cosy sitting room to hunters in New Jersey."

He added: "Spike Milligan was clearly into surreal humour. The sort of people who like his stuff will be people with a high tolerance for ambiguity because the sketches don't really have a sense of closure."

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[SamAdams76]

If you liked Steven Wright's sense of humor, you'll like the comedy of the late Mitch Hedberg too, who in my opinion had an even better delivery.

One of my favorite Hedberg lines was "Whenever I think of a joke, I grab a pen and write it down. However, when the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I just thought of...wasn't funny."

Also, "I'm not addicted to blackjack, I'm just addicted to sitting at tables shaped like a semi-circle.

[wtc911]

WRVR (Riverside Church) played the Goons every Saturday night circa 1972...before they went commercial jazz.

[fhlh]

....the third one ducks.

[new cruelty]

It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

I'm still tearing up from this joke.

[jimmango]

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision

[Tennessee_Bob]

"Thank you. I'll be here all week."

Why?

Because it's safer for him here - he knows we're looking for him outside.

[fish hawk]

And the younger generation asks: What is a fountain pen??

[vimto]

Er that was meant to be car not care! Spoiled it. Grumph.....

[baltodog]

I'll probably get banned for this....

A drunk comes home, stumbling up the stairs, carrying a sheep under his arm.

He turns on the bedroom light, waking up his wife.

He slurs, "This is the cow I fool around with when you're not in the mood."

His wife angrily retorts, "Honey, you're drunk. That's not a cow, that's a sheep."

To which he replies, "I was talking to the sheep."

[TankerKC]

Now THAT is funny.

[jimmango]

"A History of Teaching Math"

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut
down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Match in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

[american spirit]

Always liked the one that had Hillary being propositioned by a guy who asked her if she'd go to bed with him for a million bucks and she said sure.........then he asked if she'd go to bed with him for $10 and she got real irate and said "what do you think I am?"........to which he replied....."I already know what you are, all I'm trying to do is establish a price".

[BlessedByLiberty]

Frog Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan to take a holiday."

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says. "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says,"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says............

"It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[vimto]

A North Carolina redneck was stopped by a game warden in Llano County recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in North Carolina may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.


http://www.chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp?aid=17238&catcode=31

[BooksForTheRight.com]

Why is that funny?

[Lady Jag]

They are CadDaleks from GM.

[reagan_fanatic]

Or...

Father walks into his teenage son's room and finds him masturbating.

Dad: "Son! Stop that or you'll go blind!!"

Son: "Dad, I'm over here..."

[Charles Martel]

A ventriloquist cowboy rides into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...

Cowboy: "Hey, that's a fine-lookin' dog you have there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at Indian).
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me well, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: shows look of disbelief

The cowboy continues...

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Can't complain."
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Indian).
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Does he treat you well?"
Horse: "Yes, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: shows total look of amazement

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep Lie!"

[Steve Van Doorn]

"WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED "

that one is classic

[Hildy]

are you kidding me? What kind of company did you work for?