Posted on 03/25/2006 11:08:03 PM PST by Crackingham
I grew up in a time when two-parent families were still the norm, in both black and white America. Then, as an adult, I saw divorce become more commonplace, then almost a rite of passage. Today it would appear that many -- particularly in the black community -- have dispensed with marriage altogether.
But as a black woman, I have witnessed the outrage of girlfriends when the ex failed to show up for his weekend with the kids, and I've seen the disappointment of children who missed having a dad around. Having enjoyed a close relationship with my own father, I made a conscious decision that I wanted a husband, not a live-in boyfriend and not a "baby's daddy," when it came my time to mate and marry. My time never came. For years, I wondered why not. And then some 12-year-olds enlightened me.
"Marriage is for white people."
That's what one of my students told me some years back when I taught a career exploration class for sixth-graders at an elementary school in Southeast Washington. I was pleasantly surprised when the boys in the class stated that being a good father was a very important goal to them, more meaningful than making money or having a fancy title.
"That's wonderful!" I told my class. "I think I'll invite some couples in to talk about being married and rearing children."
"Oh, no," objected one student. "We're not interested in the part about marriage. Only about how to be good fathers."
And that's when the other boy chimed in, speaking as if the words left a nasty taste in his mouth: "Marriage is for white people."
(Excerpt) Read more at washingtonpost.com ...
My own parents divorced when I was a baby, so I grew up with a single mother. Fortunately for me, it was the first divorce in my family, so I had the counterexamples of my grandparents, uncles, and even my father's second marriage. Nevertheless, I still feel that growing up outside a two parent household has crippled somewhat my own relationships. Add to the fact that as a black women,the majority of my potential spouses grew up in broken homes, and I grow increasingly pessimistic as to whether 1) I will ever married and 2) if I marry, whether I will stay married for life. I would never have a child out of wedlock, so my prpspects for motherhood are tied up in my chances of getting married.
And we hear from another Black Racist. Oh Joy.....
Have you considered white, hispanic, or asian men?
I hope you get married and to a decent man.
Your goals are precisely the right ones for you and your future children.
I asked this earlier but since I hear this from many responsible black women, why don't more fish outside their own pond?
peer pressure? comfort?.....I understand those motivations...quite normal
but you hear a lot of white men insisting on Latino, Asian or even Northern men opining about Southern girls as well when they want more traditional wives
just thoughts....I spent a lot of time in Jamaica back in the 80s and the marriage crossover of black women into Jamaican white or asian culture was fairly common...here in the US much less so.
but...I don;t fault folks for wishing to marry within their own demographic of race, or ethnicity or even religion if they just like that better...that's pretty much the rule worldwide more often than not
Good Luck...sounds like you deserve good things
I think of Angela Bassett when this topic comes up...wasn't there a movie about this?
that's what i thought...right below you
It's a mess, isn't it?
" I grow increasingly pessimistic as to whether 1) I will ever married and 2) if I marry, whether I will stay married for life. "
Don't give up hope. We all can be examples for others.
This is the life they know. It's a mess.
It's amazing some of these kids actually survive to become respopnsible citizens.
Such a waste.
If you can cook, I can get down to business.
Hope you like short Jewish guys.
Notice the one thing nowhere in the equation...
Love.
Very touching to see a couple get engaged on the ice at the hockey game tonight. Black man and woman, in some stage of middle age, let's say. Looked like decent folks.
Happened in my family. My nephew married a black woman, and she's a wonderful young lady. Her daddy is currently on his third wife and won't settle down; my nephew's wife wants something much more stable than the example her father has set. Her daddy knows she's in good hands, as my nephew carries a badge and gun as well as being a good family-oriented man (they just became parents).
If so, that's about as unfortunate and retrograde a widespread attitude as I've heard of since the nineteenth century in this country.
Sometimes my husband and I will be out and we'll see a black couple together with their children, obviously married, and I'll say, "that's so nice." And he'll say, "you always say that." And I say it because I don't see it very often.
It's a shocking and discouraging lack of judgment, IMO amounting to a virtual societal crime to ignore these factors when deciding what family structure is best.
If you put God first in your life, and you marry a man who does also, you will have a partner for life.
BTW, forget about race. Race doesn't matter. Values do.
Oops. Replied to wrong post.
They may LOOK happy but you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
I see this marriage fixation as over rated.A lot of people just aren't cut out for marriage.
And rake me over the coals for my stereotyping but way too many black women care whats ON their heads,not whats IN their heads.
These black men aren't stupid.Many of them grew up in a matriarchal society.NEVER say anything bad about moms if you value your health but in the back of their minds they see a black woman who gets too close and they back away fearing that mom's dominating precense will again reappear in the form of a wife.
I am white,grew up in a two parent home and adored both my mother and father.But it was a rocky marriage and no model for me or my brothers and sister,none of us who has ever married.
I see the social and cultural value of marriage.I just never have seen it work in the world I live in.
If you put God first in your life, and you marry a man who does also, you will have a partner for life.
BTW, forget about race. Race doesn't matter. Values do.
How are you sure you wouldn't have had most of the same problems with a single parent but with the added negatives of missing parental care, one fewer wageearner, probable poverty, and a much more unstable home envronment that are associated with single parenthood?
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