The 213 Things Skippy [can't] do in the Army.

Skippy's List ^ | 22SEP05 | SP4 Skippy

[FreedomFarmer]

The 213 Things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army....

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

More at link.

[jjm2111]

What makes this especially funny is the following:"Explanations of these events:
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz...what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? "Um....a rubber sheep...I can explain why that's there....")

I especially liked:"Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over). " There was a guy in Kuwait who did this. He was in his mid-twenties and prented that he was in Vietnam. His 'flashbacks' were hilarious. Unfortunately, a fair share of people, including some senior officers took him seriously."

-And-

"The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for." I confess I did this one in Kuwait.

[WideGlide]

SKIPPY!!

Obviously PFC Skippy has too much time on her hands.

[boxerblues]

What makes you so sure Skippy is a she?

[HEY4QDEMS]

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

Saline???

[null and void]

Some of these sound awfully familiar...

[TXBSAFH]

Skippy owes me a keyboard.

[Petronski]

Number 7 is always my favorite.

[Fixit]

From About Skippy:

Some amusing misconceptions I have found floating around the net:
1. Skippy is a woman.
Not exactly sure why. Interestingly enough, only Male Non-Commissioned Officers seem to make this mistake. One of them even sent me his picture, in case I wanted a boy friend. (Note: I don’t.)
2. I was a Sergeant, or an Officer.
Nope. I was, in Army Speak, a career E-4. I was good at my job, but I lacked the Army Mentality necessary for promotion. I like to think of it as having a low tolerance for bullshit. Others would describe it as a total inability to keep my barracks room clean, or be nice to people simply because they outranked me.

... Continues on. For more, click link.

[WideGlide]

What makes you so sure Skippy is a she?

Don't ask.

Don't tell.

[dead]

The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

Yes they are. Very funny stuff.

[Army Air Corps]

These were good:

"20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”."

[Sensei Ern]

I don't think Skippy is a she as females are not allowed in combat units, such as Airborne. Does sound like one who slipped in via the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule.

I kinda think the person didn't even serve. We called our Platoon Sergent, "Mom", and the captain , "Dad".

[johnny7]

Skippy is a 'Pat'?

[wtc911]

FYI.....'Skippy' is also the derogatory term south asians use for Ozzies.

[Fixit]

REPOST:

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1390411/posts

[antiRepublicrat]

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

My kind of person. Sometimes those in charge don't think their little witticisms all the way through before saying them.

[Antonello]

Judging from my own personal experiences, numbers 20, 51, 53, 54, parts of 58 (the popular cadence 'Casey Jones' comes to mind), 61, 82, 84, 88, 89, 124, 125, 126, 133, 153, 164, and 196 don't apply to the Marine Corps.

Additionally, numbers 40, 86, 130, 161, and 184 may be acceptable in the Corps depending on the situation.

Finally, although number 191 is technically correct, it has been demonstrated that just about any broken item can be field repaired by yanking an 'extra' piece off a handy Humvee and hammering into the proper shape.

Semper Fi.

[FreedomFarmer]

Howdy officer, always glad to see the posting police are on their toes, even when the content has changed.

Maybe Sheriff Taylor will let you put your bullet in your gun if you find this thread in Breaking News.

[Fixit]

I really did mean to put a smiley face on that!