"Hang on there, Frenchies! We'll save Paris!"
Posted on 11/02/2005 4:51:58 PM PST by No Longer Free State
BSNN has learned that the Defense Department is mobilizing troops and planning operations to restore order in the capitol city of the Europpean province of France following a straight week of rioting that the provincial government is either unwilling or unable to quell.
An unnamed White House official, who insisted we tell you he is not Carl Rove or Scooter Libby, said, "Our recent experiences in dealing with hostile, ungovernable violent nations in Haiti, Bosnia, Kosovo, Afghanistan, and Iraq have prepared us for dealing with the Chirac government. Plus, our experiences in the Islamic world will make it easier to deal with most average Parisians."
He further stated the reason for the burgeoning deployment is that the President fears the lack of stability in France may ultimately lead to unrest in the entire region. Recent events in Spain support that conclusion.
An unnamed spokesman for NATO indicated there was strong support for this operation in the nations that support the military arm of the alliance. Britain and Germany have offered police officers to support the mission citing their experience with football hooliganism as an eminent qualification. France, meanwhile, refuses to provide troops citing the lack of a UN mandate for establishing order on its own soil.
Contacts in the office of UN Secretary General Kofi Anan claim he opposes the mission because, "France is too corrupt for even us to profit from this opportunity."
While planning and mobilization continue, the deployment may be delayed by US Europpean Command planners' inability to develop a viable exit strategy that would leave behind a democratic nation upon US forces' departure.
Said one unnamed military planner, "We're not going into this one without a plan for leaving, and establishing democracy in France will be no cake-walk. It's not like Kosovo where, while they all hate each other, at least they're able to talk to each other through interpreters. Our war-gaming gets hung up every time we get to a point that requires the French to talk to each other or anyone else civilly. We may have to depose Chirac just to get someone to answer the phone."
He continued, "And then there are the economic problems. Unemployment rivals that of many third world countries we operate in. We're hoping conditions won't be as bad as the Tsunami was last year, but we're expecting the worst."
They're hoping they can cope with the multicultural environement as well: "In Iraq there are only three conflicting cultures. IN Paris, we believe each individual building is its own, distinct subculture, and each subculture prides itself in being diametrically opposed to each of its neighboring subcultures on at least three issues."
A staffer for a prominent, drunk democrat Senator from a New England state immediately claimed the deployment was Bush administration retribution for France supporting virtually the rest of the world's assessment that Saddam Hussein had WMD before the invasion of Iraq. She was incapable of explaining this incoherent statement.
Meanwhile, failed president Jimmy Carter claimed that there was no evidence that there has been any unrest in France, and went on to claim that he could solve the problem that didn't exist with a raid consisting of seven broken helicopters and a Boy Scout Troop. Before he explained his strategy in depth, he was taken away by his handlers who told us he was late for a formal straight-jacket fitting.
America's highest ranking National Guardsman, Lieutenant General H. Stephen Blum, was overheard to say, "Nuts!!! We're not ready for this!!! All our French linguists are still trying to unscrew New Orleans!!!" Apparently he made this comment while bording a helicopter to fly to the US capitol to hit congress up for another $17 Billion in funding for armory office furniture because, "Our desks and chairs are 1998 vintage, maybe 1999 at best, while active component furniture is at least as new as 2000."
LOL
Wish I'd said that.
My pleasure. Literally.
Thanks
lol ping
Thanks for the ping, and the laughs. Funny stuff!
LOL, could almost be true! Thanks for the ping.
Excellent! Bookmarked! He is amazing, and as always I am grateful that you both share these with us! Thank you!
Computer, $1,500; Internet service, $20; satire article from No Longer Free State, PRICELESS!!
ROFL!!!! I just HAVE to save this and forward it to family and friends, even enemies. With your permission, of course. Please, please, can I, can I????
Thanks for the ping, FMC. You, and your beloved, ROCK! :)
"Hang on there, Frenchies! We'll save Paris!"
You now have seven nights of this in a row...and this was a middle-of-the-week episode. So we are rapidly approaching Friday night...which ought to be the biggest episode so far. Across into Germany....the media is really limiting video of the episodes, and trying not to trigger any Muslim events in Germany. If you remember Crystal Night in the 1930s...any little event in Germany that triggers public madness...goes from 1st gear to 5th gear in less than 24 hours.
On the positive side...we are just 3 or 4 weeks away from snow and extreme cold temperatures in France...and these events will halt at that point.
Ping
I knew it was "sarcasm" from the get-go. look at the source: "BSNN". Could that stand for "B%ll S#!t News Network"?? It's a very funny article, though!
Iran announced today that they would support the muslim population in France. They will be providing troops and supplies for operation "Easy Cheese".
This is good! :) Pretty creative and funny.
Red6
Thanks for the ping. There are a lot of unemployed New Orleans Police Officers who speak French (of sorts).
Pinging the usual suspects!
(anyone wanting on or off the satire ping list, let me know!)
This one is too realistic for comfort! I'm surprised that they haven't come whining for our help already! LOL!
Not HIM !!
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