Posted on 08/13/2004 11:13:57 PM PDT by goldstategop
The Tragedy Of The McGreevey Marriage
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach
A few months ago I wrote a stinging column criticizing Gov. James McGreevey for silence in the face of outrageous anti-Semitic outbreaks in New Jersey. McGreevey surprised me by calling personally to plead guilty to some of the points I made, and having spoken for over an hour, I was impressed by his humility and willingness to acknowledge error. He later invited me to a party he hosted at the Democratic National Convention, where I said to his wife, who was holding his hand, that I had always been impressed with the quiet dignity she brought to the role of New Jersey's first lady, and that she was a great asset to her husband. Rather than acknowledge the compliment, she stared back blankly and I was left feeling that I had somehow caused offense.
I could not have imagined at that time the turmoil that was going on in the life of this woman, whose marriage would create such explosive news just two weeks later.
I have counseled several gay men who married women only to reveal to them the truth of their sexuality years into the marriage and after children had been born. In every case, the news was not only devastating to the wives in question, but created lasting anger, even hatred. When a man outs himself as gay, the person who suffers the most is his wife. The husband is often treated as a hero, courageously liberating himself from a lie imposed on him by a hypocritical and intolerant society. But his wife is treated as a naïve dupe, and in the case of the wife of a successful politician like James McGreevey, she is seen as cold and calculating, prepared to remain in a fraudulent marriage in order to share power.
But the truth is that these women suffer enormously. I have had many women crying in my office as they related the pain of discovering that they could never be attractive to their husbands, and how that horrible fact undermined their very identity as women. One woman told me that after her husband had revealed to her that he was only able to perform with her sexually by thinking about men, she had thought that night of killing herself.
These tragic circumstances are the direct result of America's irrational and confused response to homosexuality, with extremists dominating the national debate. While I am opposed to gay marriage, I am equally opposed to simplistic religious formulations that would advocate that all gay men can find a home within heterosexual marriage, so long as they make enough of an effort to change.
The most important point about homosexuality is that it is a religious rather than a moral sin. The Bible clearly distinguishes between sins against God (religious) versus sins against man (moral), and neatly divides the Ten Commandments into two tablets reflecting that division. Sins like not worshipping idols and honoring the Sabbath are on the first tablet, while sins like refraining from theft and murder are on the second. Adultery is both a religious and a moral sin because it involves breaking the holy covenant of marriage, as well as deceiving one's spouse. In this sense, McGreevey's having cheated on his wife is a far more serious moral sin than having cheated with a man. Homosexuality, by contrast, which involves consensual sex and no deception, is only a religious sin and not a moral one. Therefore, those who label homosexuality as "immoral" would likewise have to argue that those who don't go to church are immoral, when in fact they are simply irreligious.
Remembering this clear-cut distinction is the key to ending homophobia in America while simultaneously upholding the sacred covenant of heterosexual marriage.
There are two kinds of gay men, those who, amid strong homosexual inclination, still harbor an attraction to women, and those who harbor none. Studies show that the overwhelming number of gay men are, like James McGreevey, in the former category. They are capable of having sex with a woman, and indeed 90 percent of gay men admit to having done so. It is for this reason that society should not legalize gay marriage and elevate it to the same plane as heterosexual marriages, because there is then no incentive for these men, who are in essence bisexual, to make an effort to direct their erotic focus toward women and raise their heterosexual attraction above their same-sex one.
Even fully heterosexual men must learn sexual discipline within marriage by being monogamous amidst their natural attraction to many women. And there is nothing cruel in encouraging men who have an attraction to both sexes to try and focus their sexual desire on women rather than on men. Indeed, gay men who are attracted to women usually make much better husbands and fathers since they are usually softer, gentler, more domesticated and more nurturing than their heterosexual counterparts. Indeed, if men with attraction to both sexes are not encouraged to explore their heterosexual attraction, we are condemning millions of women to lives of loneliness without husbands since the much higher proportion of gay men to lesbians creates a strong numerical imbalance between the sexes.
The potential for tragedy, as in the case of the McGreevey marriage, is when we so severely stigmatize homosexuality – and there is not a single outward homosexual who has been elected to high office – that we force bisexual men to completely hide and deny their homosexual side so that they have no one to talk to and wrestle successfully with their nature. They are forced to hide their attractions fully and utterly. They cannot discuss them with priests, Rabbis, friends, and certainly not with their wives. The attraction can therefore only manifest itself in the form of a deceptive and aberrant relationship, as was the case with James McGreevey.
To be sure, I am not prepared to admit that James McGreevey made a mistake in marrying. Since he did so twice, and had children with both wives, I assume that he was not completely gay and had some actionable attraction to women. But the fact that he could not share how he struggled with a homosexual nature, in a political climate where homosexuality is toxic, meant that he was doomed to living an ignoble lie.
But then there are men who find the idea of sex with a woman positively repulsive. Religious individuals and moralists who encourage gay men with absolutely no attraction to women to enter into the heterosexual institution of marriage are not only unrealistic, they are cruel, cold and heartless. The practice is immoral and deeply destructive to the marriage's participants, as well as to the children who follow. For these men, civil unions should be legally available as a viable alternative, and I find it absurd that it is religious conservatives who are the main obstacles to gay civil unions.
At all levels, society should be encouraging fidelity, commitment, and faithfulness in relationships, and seek to curb the rampant culture of casual, commitment-free sex that has so reduced love and romance to fantasy and fiction.
1. A male who is only attracted to females is heterosexual.
2. A male who is attracted to females and males is queer.
He hired a woman to play his wife for political reasons.
And I very much doubt that his wife didn't know the score from day one.
Oh, yes, and they are much better at decorating, and cooking. This is total BS.
... as a three dollar bill.
Watching him with his children has made me a better father, seeing him interact at his ranch with cancer patients has made me a more compassionate human being, and witnessing his humility has made me realise that if he can be approachable, then I have no excuse for aloofness.
Koo-Koo for Cocoa Puffs is Shmuley.
Amen. The guy drives me crazy whenever he talks. All sex experts are weird, including the Vermin sisters. And that dried up Canadian wacko woman! Ugh. She is a walking libido killer.
The Rabbi's screed is compelling, but I think McGreevey has been deceiving the New Jersey voters about more than his sexual preferences. When you cut through the religious and moral smoke, what we have here is a criminal.
"Religious" or "moral" (his words), Boteach deemphasizes and liberalizes the importance of the Law, IMO. ...remember Sedom and Amorah?
Check Leviticus. This ain't Kosher.
"No no no! I said you need to separate your meat from your dairy!"
I don't know if this describes McGreevey's wife, but it does bring to mind another woman in politics: Hillary.
FAct of the matter is the good Rabbi missed the mark...the ones who suffer the most are the CHILDREN of such unions...McGreevy is a total and complete jerk and dilitante. He goes to a foreign country falls in love with a person not his wife, brings that person back to NJ, gives that person a job to keep that person around, and continues to pretned that his marriage is meaningful by fathering two children...what an ahole
She had children with him...I think she had no clue
Take dat mashbooh shiz-nit out da house, b***! Dere ain't no "Kosher" sex, ye retarded bloke! Dere is only halal sex, ye stoopid bugger! Jess, zat is sex wit de hook! If you ain't been banged by a fat, Muslim wanker with a hook for a hand, let me tell you, "YOU AIN'T BEEN banged right and propa." Inshallah, dis haram, whack, jahilliyah bull**** will be avenged, by the grace of Allah.
Two sets of sheets?
I have a female friend who found out that a male high school friend of hers (her prom date, actually) was gay. They had remainded friendly through their 20s and 30s and she was quite upset when he announced his "coming out" to her.
As for the 2nd Mrs. McGreevey, though, I'm somewhat skeptical. Supposedly her husband's dalliances were well known during his first marriage.
You knew the article was screwy when it makes reference to the governor's "marriage" instead of "marriages"; the guy did it twice, and had a child in each of them.
The image of Abu Hamza having sex will go down in history as the most effective contraceptive device known to mankind.
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