Posted on 08/13/2003 9:40:36 AM PDT by ddodd3329
Why do fewer people marry?
According to a 1999 National Vital Statistics Report from the CDC, 7.4 per 1,000 Americans married in 1998. From 1990 to 1995, the marriage rate dropped from 9.8 to 7.6. Different sources render other statistics but the trend remains sharply downward.
There is never a single or comprehensive explanation for complex phenomena that are rooted deeply in human psychology. Non-marriage is a particularly difficult issue to address because, as a recent paper from Rutgers University entitled "Why Men Won't Commit" explains, official sources are scarce. "The federal government issues thousands of reports on nearly every dimension of American life. ... But it provides no annual index or report on the state of marriage." Much of the discussion of the motives surrounding non-marriage must be anecdotal, therefore, relying on statistics to provide framework and perspective.
In examining reasons for the current decline of marriage, one question usually receives short shrift. Why are men reluctant to marry?
The Rutgers report -- admittedly based on a small sample -- found ten prevalent reasons. The first three:
They can get sex without marriage;
They can enjoy "a wife" through cohabitation; and,
They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.
As a critic of anti-male bias in the family courts, the reasons I hear most frequently from non-marrying men are fear of financial devastation in divorce and of losing meaningful contact with children afterward. (Such feedback is anecdotal evidence but, when you hear the same response over a period of years from several hundred different sources, it becomes prudent to listen.)
In a similar vein, the Rutgers report finds: "Many men also fear the financial consequences of divorce. They say that their financial assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. They fear that an ex-wife will 'take you for all you've got' and that 'men have more to lose financially than women' from a divorce."
Increasingly, men are stating their reasons for not marrying on the Internet. In an article entitled "The Marriage Strike," Matthew Weeks expresses a sentiment common to such sites, "If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that -- given the current state of the nation's family courts -- divorce is slavery for men."
Weeks provides the math. One in two marriages will fail with the wife being twice as likely to initiate the proceedings on grounds of "general discontent" -- the minimum requirement of no-fault divorce. The odds of the woman receiving custody of children are overwhelming, with many fathers effectively being denied visitation. The wife usually keeps the "family" assets and, perhaps, receives alimony as well as child support. Many men confront continuing poverty to pay for the former marriage.
>>>Continued<<<
(Excerpt) Read more at dondodd.com ...
Norm Peterson from Cheers "after marriage, sex is just one more damn reason to take your pants off."
Just curious, around what year would the "cut off" date be?
You have an excellent point. I'm a 51 year old male, been divorced for 12 years, and right now, I'm finding it difficult to find a woman who isn't completely cynical and so emotionally damaged by the trainwrecks of previous relationships and/or marriage that they can even give me an even chance. I've spent a lot of time working through the issues, facing my own failures, and making the changes in attitude and understanding so that I can make another go of it. I want to.
Women my own age are either too set in their ways, have let themselves go physically to the point where they are unattractive, or are interested in only one thing. Add to that the gold-diggers, and it's difficult to find a good woman. I have tried to find a woman in the 35-35 range, knowing that there may be kids involved and not really minding that (I love kids), but I think my age puts them off. I am a young 51, look to be in my early 40's, and am not a fat slob. I can get dates, and often do, but I haven't found a woman who has a clue as to what constitutes a good relationship. They'd rather have a guy that treats them like dirt, cheats on them, and leaves them, than a guy like me who will treat her like a queen, love her like she was the only woman on earth, and will do what it takes to make things work, no matter what.
I'd have left her standing there holding the door. I mean it. I would have walked away, gotten into my car, and drove off without another word. If that happened to her a few times, she might get the hint.
I know you're not kidding, but it seems so unbelievable. Why any woman would want the first scenerio when they could be blessed with the second is beyond me. Hold on nobdysfool, there are more wanna be queens out there then you think. I know, as I'm certainly treated like one at my home.
It has me baffled, too. I have actually been told, by some of these same women, "You're going to make some woman very happy." I have asked, given that statement, why that "some woman" isn't them, and they start equivocating about how they "aren't ready" yet, "they don't want a serious relationship right now", and so on...and then I see them hooked up with some jerk, and they're making goo-goo eyes at him, and they wind up getting married....it's enough to drive a guy crazy!
The usual result is that the missus remarries or finds some other man to pay her bills, all the while soaking number one for every dime in his pocket.
I've seen it; some women have turned alimony/ child support into a cottage industry.
It wasn't much really. I smelt bullshit a-comin' and engineered myself some leverage using some of her own stupidity against her, and slyly protected my assets while playing nice and before she knew that I knew. I manipulated her approach by injecting selected bits of information about what I might or might not know into the grapevine that I knew would reach her eventually; I always treated her in a very civil manner even when she wasn't being civil. A PsyOp basically. Mind you, this was all so I could come away vaguely "even", and it was still an expensive problem.
Before it came to a head, I nonchalantly decided to put all my investment money into long-term non-liquid investments (smartly selected startup ventures) and then decided to help build those companies to "protect my investment" for a pittance salary that was far less than what she was making. I was going to do some of that venture stuff anyway, but when I saw how the other situation was playing out, I went whole hog. She wasn't thrilled with the idea but didn't say anything. When the divorce actually came up, I was no longer a particularly tempting target asset-wise and I got off writing a modest check that took most of whatever remained of my liquid assets (not much).
That and her awareness inferred through the grapevine that I might have some dirt she REALLY did not want to come out, and she "let me slide" for some cold cash rather than dragging it into court. So in short, I smelled it in the wind and preemptively mounted a very smart defense.
Why are women reluctant to be women???
It's what I call, "The Bad Boy Syndrome".........I think women see these types as a challenge; to 'tame' somebody like that (if they can) is a real ego booster for them.
I don't know if you meant to, or not, but you have just precisely illustrated the fundamental difference between men and women.
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