'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Okies love Dubya 2]

I wasn't offended at all! My own husband has gained some weight but he is doing something about it and has shed 15 pounds and is getting ready to start swimming and running again now that school is out for the semester. He is feeling great about himself and he is getting compliments from our friends. We are only 30, so we are trying to establish this healthier mindset while we are younger so it is easier to maintain in 20-30 years.

[Scothia]

Who's "Fifi the Love Goddess"? Friend of yours?

[Rebelbase]

"I have been married and faithful to my wife since I was sixteen years old."

Today's society condemns such irresponsible acts as getting married in High School. Its ok to have sex in High School, but not get married.

Getting Married should only happen after you are well established in your career and you have socked away engough cash to be able to put your kids in a high dollar day-care, private school and also be able to buy the latest electronic technology and take multiple vacations as a family. Then also, one has to remember to get a new car every couple of years, live in a trendy neighborhood, be able to go out to eat at least 3 times a week (excluding lunch everyday), have the most expensive wireless package, belong to a high caliber fitness center and have 438 cable or satellite channels.

One should hold out for a mate who shares the same ideals as mentioned above.

[Woahhs]

Eventually, he'll give up on her. Mark my words.

You are absolutely correct.

[Delbert]

Plus one is an aerobics instructor, fer cryin' out loud! If you wanted an athlete, why didn't you marry one?

I have no idea what you're talking about. I never use capital letters and exclamation points, unless they are grammatically called for.

[Nita Nupress]

In all seriousness, methinks her not working out is just a representation of much larger differences. Get at that and the working out issue may fall into place.

Good advice. What you describe is commonly a symptom of the problem but usually not the root problem itself.

[Lorianne]

I think this is an important point that gets overlooked. There are some people who just don't like sex. That's their sexuality, asexual. Just like a person is heterosexual or homosexual, some are asexual (and not only women). That is the sexuality they are comfortable with.

One thing I wonder about is the people who complain about not getting enough sex did they not notice the lack of sexual desire before? I mean, even if you have sex there has to be some enthusiasm behind it. I think men are especially prone to being blindsided by looks and not paying attention to the warning signs about physical attraction coming the other direction. You can fake sex but its hard to fake real enthusiasm for sex and a real innate sexuality, orgasm etc. I can't say with authority but men are supposedly easy to fool in this regard. This could be part of the problem.

[Woahhs]

I love how you accused me of foisting my own opinion on Delbert and his marriage, when you seem to think you know all about it.

In case you haven't noticed, what I've written conforms to the situation as Delbert wrote it.

You, on the other hand, are projecting like a Cinaplex.

[Rebelbase]

"It's hard to get in the mood when you've just cooked dinner, bathed kids, fed them, put them to bed, washed dishes and put away toys - just to walk into the bedroom and be jumped on the minute your tired butt lands on the bed! "

That is a classic symptom of a marriage headed south.

[watchin]

bingo.

[watchin]

LOL

[cake_crumb]

"There is a inverse relationship between a woman's intelligence and how many children she will probably have"

Yes, it's sad but true that we tend to have fewer children, but not no children. The post I replied to stated that smart women don't have children:

"The result is having a profound impact on the gene pool. The smartest women do not have any kids, pretty much capping how smart women in general can be."

posted on 05/15/2003 1:33 PM PDT by Reeses

[Woahhs]

I think this is an important point that gets overlooked. There are some people who just don't like sex. That's their sexuality, asexual. Just like a person is heterosexual or homosexual, some are asexual (and not only women). That is the sexuality they are comfortable with.

Agreed. In which case, it is immoral for them to posture in such a way as to invite marriage. Also, some find the idea of sex attractive, while finding the performance distasteful.

[Celantro]

Well, Ben Franklin also said this:

"Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."

And he was quite the fat guy.

[watchin]

Ahhh...duty sex, aka pity sex.

yep. As much, or more, of an insult than outright denial.

[Elsie]

---

If the MAN were to follow THIS, there'd be less problems between them......

NIV Ephesians 5:25-33
25. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
26. to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27. and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church--
30. for we are members of his body.
31. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
32. This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church.
33. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

[Saundra Duffy]

My husband bought me a beautiful ring. Works every time!

[Lorianne]

I don't think its immoral. I think people do what is expected socially and marriage is socially acceptable. They try to make it work. They want companionship and family and all the rest of it. So they force themselves to fit in a mold.

I liken it to long ago when homosexual people would marry and try like the dickens to fit in, but it was a struggle against their own sexuality.

Anyway, its ludicrous to expect all people to have the same level of sexual desire. There is a wide range. And meeting someone compatible sexually is hit or miss IMO. Some people get lucky some don't and its a perpetual issue, not to mention all the other strains and stresses that come up.

In any case, I think men often allow themselves to be fooled by the pretty face and attractive body, in more ways than sexual compatibility, and end up marrying with false expectations as well. Among women of my close aquaintance there is about a 50/50 split between the women who love sex and the women who could do without. Without exception, those who don't have much sexual desire have always been that way since puberty ... not much interest, never masturbated, don't orgasm at all or not easily, and just have a general disinterest in sex and can't understand what all the fuss is about. I think this is within the range of "normal" if they married someone with the same level of interest. By the way the problem of lack of interest is also evident in males but is majorly taboo to talk about. There is a lot of social pressure on men to be interested in sex and act the typical "always ready" part.

[Nita Nupress]

Just keep the vacuum cleaner in the closet, thank you...I had a bad experience once on FR with one of those suckers.

LOL! Oh, the memories!

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. Hopefully it didn't leave permanent scars. ;-)

[watchin]

Then you DO understand the connection.