'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Delbert]

No Shiitake? I didnt know that.

[narses]

In Catholic teaching, sex inside of the marital state is for two primary purposes, procreation (the first purpose) and marital comfort and fidelity (the second, and complimentary purpose). Therefore, infertile couples can still marry and enjoy the marital act (and recall, sometimes "infertile" couples end up with miracle children, miracles happen!).

[Phantom Lord]

I never suggested that people should "need" them. And I agree that people shouldn't "need" them. But there is a large segment of the population who enjoy them, a great deal.

I know a married couple, one of the happiest I have ever known who doesn't travel anywhere without their "goody bag". And it is loaded up!

And if a married couple wants to use "toys" then that is their business. They don't tell you how to have sex and you shouldn't tell them how to either. Unless your directing the film of course.

[William McKinley]

What planet did the Bible come from?

[ItsOurTimeNow]

That's wierd...in some instances, it's the complete opposite of what Jess and I go through.

I'm more of a morning person, and she's a night owl. So, I tend to have more energy in the morning, then start to fade around 8pm or so. She usually gets a 2nd wind around 11pm...and by then, I'm ready for sleep!

We try our best to balance it all out though. And I think that's really the key...balance.

[k2blader]

I'm not married yet but your post makes complete sense to me.

[biblewonk]

No that can't be argued.

[goodieD]

this is utterly ridiculous... it's as if they are saying that sex is 90 percent of a marriage..would they divorce their spouse if they became paralyzed and couldn't have sex anymore? People have completely forgotten what marriage is all about, because easy divorce has given people a way out so they don't have to actually work through any problems.
Marriage is about working together towards common goals, friendship, responsibility, communication and the kind of love that grows deeper through shared adversity and good times. If the double income is strictly to maintain a high lifestyle, maybe these people have their priorities all screwed up.... I'd rather live a modest lifestyle and have time for my husband and kids, than live like kings and have no relationships with the ones I love.

[William McKinley]

"But she says she likes it when I bark..."

Now that sheds a whole new light on this:

"Oh, cripes, get that damned dog off the bed!"

[carlo3b]

Yep...and there are a lot of foods that are ...lets say..with or without pepper.... HOT AND SPICY.. Yehaaaaaaaaaaaa...sorry

[biblewonk]

Numerous studies have shown that observant Jews, loyal Catholics, and church-going Protestants who avoid extramarital affairs and have traditional values have more and better sex than postmodernist yuppies and swingers.

I bet this is true. I feel sorry for people who just don't "get it".

[papertyger]

When she looks sexy, she'll feel sexy.

I've always heard the compliment of the old cannard about men always thinking about sex is women always thinking about being sexy.

[Rushmore Rocks]

Apparently there are many useful sex aids in the kitchen.
We've already mentioned Saran Wrap, aluminum foil, Pam. And don't forget the turkey baster, the counter and the kitchen table. Maybe I should just shut up now.

[Delbert]

The marriage bed is undefiled. Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the marriage bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

[FourPeas]

The smartest women do not have any kids, pretty much capping how smart women in general can be.

Odd. I'd say the smartest women DO have children. They understand the connection between genetics and the intelligence of offspring. They are not afraid of changing from a high-power career to a higher calling at home where they are raising the next generation. They understand the importance of replentishing the human race. They are, in a word, intelligent. Assuming that woman are so "intelligent" as to not have children is insulting, and ignorant.

[jimt]

Usually one session is enough to allow a good therapist to win over a reluctant spouse. Some are willing to call a resistant spouse to urge participation.

No surprise there.

Unless you happen to run across the "marriage counselor" my ex found. My comment to the ex - "What did she do with her husband's balls after she cut 'em off !"

Like Crocodile Dundee says, "Didn't she have any mates?"

Talk to your friends who know you.

[dirtboy]

Just keep the vacuum cleaner in the closet, thank you...I had a bad experience once on FR with one of those suckers.

[BlazingArizona]

Offer to take her shopping - and let her use coupons. This drives women wild - and they appreciate it because they know that men wopuld rather clean toilets than go shopping with coupons.

[marron]

The key to a happy marriage is to like each other. Lots of people love each other, or love who they thought they were, or love who they wish they were, or love who they could be if only...

But if you will like each other now, or make the decision to like each other, warts and all, now, so much pressure in the relationship lifts, your mate can be who she is because you like who she is, and you put up with who she is, because despite everything you like her. And lover her. And she likes you inexplicably despite everything... not the person you could be, but the person you are even now.

I can't imagine what it must be like to exist in a marriage where each is in love with the person their mate will never be, and seething all the while. But I see it, in others. I hear people complaining about their spouse, and I can't help but think, why don't you try just liking her? And go from there? Or him. Same thing.

Its amazing what you can put up with if you honestly like each other. Love separated from like is an unhappy thing. Love rooted in like is how nature intended it, I think.