'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Registered]

Glad you read it too!

[Aliska]

Like as St. Paul advised, "Do not marry in lust as the pagans do."

That is one thing in the bible that we can observe right before our eyes, not only in our own society, but throughout the world.

[Rushmore Rocks]

I once read in a Cosmopolitan article that one way to spice things up a bit was to greet your husband clothed in nothing but Saran Wrap. All I had in the kitchen was aluminum foil......didn't work! But, we're still laughing about it after 42 years of marriage! Sometimes a good sense of humor is the best thing to bring to the marriage bed.

[SouthParkRepublican]

”Aside from the other things mentioned, too many couples tend to pick someone based on lust which seldom lasts.

The catalyst for initiating a romance interest is usually mutual physical attraction (lust). There is nothing wrong with this manifestation but I certainly believe that on it’s own, it is no reason for marriage.

Now a marriage without lust… that’s a tough one. I would bet that out of every 10 no-sex relationships 9 of them can be attributed to one partner allowing their physical appearance to deteriorate. If I were a therapist (and thank God I’m not) I would tell couples to go home and look at pictures from when they first met and compare to see if they are aging comparably. Chances are one of them isn’t. Problem solved. Diet and exercise.

[dirtboy]

Any ideas?

I dunno, you could quit working out and drink a lot of beer. Worked for me...

In all seriousness, methinks her not working out is just a representation of much larger differences. Get at that and the working out issue may fall into place.

[Phantom Lord]

If men understood how sexy it is to help with housework without being asked, to change diapers, to call babysitters, to play with the kids ... they'd do more of it.

Ya right. Trust me. Many of us have tried that tactic after being informed by our wives that it would "increase their interest". It is nothing more than a big fat LIE!

[ItsOurTimeNow]

Why not ask what a man is thinking about? Why is it a turn off? Just trying to get inside the male psyche, here.

I thought it was a universal understanding that most men, myself included, just don't like talking about our...*feeeeeelings*.

[RMDupree]

Because it's the truth. All of my friends growing up had perfectly wonderful sex lives until the kids showed up and then were completely stressed out by their husbands' complaining about not enough sex.

It's hard to get in the mood when you've just cooked dinner, bathed kids, fed them, put them to bed, washed dishes and put away toys - just to walk into the bedroom and be jumped on the minute your tired butt lands on the bed!

And I'm not embarrassed to say I speak from experience!

My girlfriends and I call it "Give it up and get it over with."

It's terribly sad.

What's sadder is that some guys are completely oblivious to the fact that you really didn't want to!

[sonserae]

Paul also said, "If you burn with passion you should marry".

[dirtboy]

It is nothing more than a big fat LIE!

Yeah, but it had you going for awhile...

[TheBigB]

Try Tupperware. :)

[Registered]

"All I had in the kitchen was aluminum foil......didn't work!"

I always wondered why Michael Rivero had a small family...

[whereasandsoforth]

Well, she is one of the few that loves a toy poodles yelp as it descends upon the front door. Good for you! ruRRICh!

[Aliska]

You make a good point, but I submit that too many people don't even know anything other than lust. That's why, when it starts wearing off, we see such frantic efforts to find whatever will continue to turn one on, pornography, sex toys, sexy attire, etc., etc., etc. Eventually, there is little that will work any more. It's a downward spiral.

[Phantom Lord]

We know you don't want it. We just don't care.

[dirtboy]

Yep, the Michael Rivero Full-Metal-Jacket BODY CONDOM! Prevents STDs, unwanted births AND keeps the CIA from reading your thoughts! Just be sure to use enough lubricant - PAM works best!

[Delbert]

I agree 100%. I can not for the life of me , understand how people can look at themselves, and be 40, 50,60 pounds overweight and say this ok. It is a major drag when one partner stays in shape and the other lets themselves just keep expanding and then say...."You dont look at me anymore, or why dont we do it more often?" Hello?!!! Obviously this thread hits pretty close to home ...I guess I'll just be quiet : (

[TheBigB]

Why not ask what a man is thinking about? Why is it a turn off? Just trying to get inside the male psyche, here.

The honest answer is, because many of use are too insecure to say something that we know will make you mad, even if it's true. Hell, even if you've just had sex, you could be thinking, "You know, I took my car to the guy just last week, and the friggin' thing is still acting up. Four HUNDRED dollars it cost me and the damn thing is shifting like a #$%^ GARBAGE TRUCK and he says it's just the weather..." And she asks, all dreamily and sappy, "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?" And we say, "Uh, nothing."

The funny answer is, because no matter how old, or what the situation, all men think the same things, all the time; "I'd like a beer and I'd like to see somethin' nekkid."

[Registered]

My girlfriends and I call it "Give it up and get it over with."

What love and compassion. Sigh.

[Constitution Day]

< snicker >