'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[watchin]

I would bet that out of every 10 no-sex relationships 9 of them can be attributed to one partner allowing their physical appearance to deteriorate.

Nope. I understand you're thinking, but it's just not the case.

I've heard of many marriages where sex stops almost immediately after the wedding.

It's a matter of sex drive, or lack of it. There are thousands out there who are dying inside because of a lack of affection from their spouses. Quick fixes like yours, or the advice to do more chores, are not likely to work in the vast majority of cases.

[riri]

What about when her idea of foreplay is a two and a half hour swedish massage?

I just don't understand the massage/sex connection. A massage makes me want to go to sleep.

[cake_crumb]

"Ain't nothing wrong with you that 120 bucks an hour won't fix."

Ironic, no? Therapy is a big industry these days. The only way to pull in customers it to convince them they're SOOOOO screwed up that nothing but a therapist can fix their problems...

My sister (a FLAMING leftist) and brother in-law went to a marriage councillor for a while...I don't know how much they paid the marriage councillor, but my brother in-law quit the sessions in disgust. The source of their problems was the fact that my sister shopped to much, so they had money problems. How she thought that paying more money to a therapist was going to solve the money problems resulting from her constant shopping, I'll never know.

[Rushmore Rocks]

Speaking of outlets.......make sure you take an electric current adapter when you go to Europe or Asia. Vibrators tend to be ethno centric.

[Phantom Lord]

She sees through you. You should help with the work around the house and with the kids because it is your house and kids also.

We don't have kids. But we do have 2 boxers and I am responsible for 99% of their care other than when I go away on vacation.

[Delbert]

No because of your attitude and how hostile you got by using capital letters and exclamation points. It obviously struck a nerve. There are people who care about how they look,about how they feel, what goes into their mouth and how much goes into their mouth, that eat because they are hungry not becuase "It's time to eat". And there are those who dont.

[Woahhs]

I couldnt tell her this in a million years, because It would certainly hurt her feelings.

Kind of a thorny problem huh?

I always find it interesting when women manage to frame issues in such a way that saying something they don't want to hear is deemed an offensive act.

Have you considered her feelings could use a ding or two? It's not like her "spin" carries the same authority as Moses coming down off the mountain.

[SouthParkRepublican]

"What makes you so sure I am an "overweight chick"? Just because I called you on your ungracious attitude?

Rut Roh! You got the chunky chick angry!

[Phantom Lord]

Batteries baby, Batteries!

[Phantom Lord]

Honey, does this dress make me look fat?

It's not the dress honey

[cake_crumb]

Nothing wrong with chocolate syrup, except for the mess to clean up afterward...whipped cream dissolves too fast...

[WaveThatFlag]

Are you saying that Star Trek is a Trilateralist plot as well? It DOES have a lot of globalist themes...

All I know is in the Star Trek future, English becomes the language of Earth and their form of government is similiar to our own. Feel free to make your own assumptions.

[BibChr]

Another good, if somewhat blush-inducing, point.

Dan

[Centurion2000]

The honest answer is, because many of use are too insecure to say something that we know will make you mad, even if it's true. Hell, even if you've just had sex, you could be thinking, "You know, I took my car to the guy just last week, and the friggin' thing is still acting up. Four HUNDRED dollars it cost me and the damn thing is shifting like a #$%^ GARBAGE TRUCK and he says it's just the weather..." And she asks, all dreamily and sappy, "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?" And we say, "Uh, nothing."

The funny answer is, because no matter how old, or what the situation, all men think the same things, all the time; "I'd like a beer and I'd like to see somethin' nekkid."

LOL !!! ... BUMP

[Delbert]

Im not sure I am following you on all of this.....--->Have you considered her feelings could use a ding or two? It's not like her "spin" carries the same authority as Moses coming down off the mountain. <--- But we get along great and have a pretty good marriage, just this one issue, and there are alot of folks who would most likely call it my problem. Maybe it is, I know what I like, I know what I dont like. I dont like the excessive poundage on my wife.

[riri]

The child thing doesnt really cut it, I know too many women who have kids and dont blimp out

I agree. I have two kids. I exercised through my pregnancy, run 3x per week and I weigh 5 pounds less now than I did prior to having my childen. I vowed I was not going to fall out of shape when I had my kids and I didn't.

Every woman on my street, with the exception of myself and another woman without kids, is at least 15 pounds over weight.

[Woahhs]

What makes you so sure I am an "overweight chick"? Just because I called you on your ungracious attitude?

Because the numbers are in his favor. Fit women are even more harsh on "overweight chicks" that men are.

Besides, your morphing of his "problem" into and "ungracious attitude" speaks of a vicarious argument. How did his "opinion" become an "attitude" other than by offending you.

[cake_crumb]

"And on an interesting technical note -- did you know that in hunter-gather societies the women tend to go about 4 or 5 years after giving birth before ovulating again? Here's why -- it turns out that the women tended to breast feed the kids up to about age 4 or so. Because the hunter-gathering lifestyle did not bring in sufficient calories for the women to breast feed and commence ovulating again, they didn't. This tended to keep the birthrate way down for hunter-gatherers. However, once people started planting crops and herding, their calories increased a whole lot. Response - ovulation kicked back in quicker, population boom."

Yep, all absolutely true, though menstruation doesn't necessarily end for that period, just ovulation. The human sex drive still seems directly related to the need for a two parent system for the raising of offspring.

[Okies love Dubya 2]

'I have been in a similar thread like this in the past and got ganged up on by all of the overweight chicks. Figures.'

Well, I agree with some of what Scothia said, and I am not an 'overweight chick' unless you call 5'5" and 118 pounds overweight. Realize that not all women bounce back from babies as easily as your sisters did. Everyone's situation is different. I gained 50 lbs with my first baby, due to pregnancy-related problems, but by the time our daughter was a year old, it was pretty much gone, and it wasn't from exercise--it was because I have high metabolism (I was eating pretty much anything I wanted after the pregnancy). With my now 8.5 month old son, I gained 30 lbs...and I still have about 5 lbs left over of that. My cholesterol is within normal limits and my blood pressure is extremely healthy (around 100/60, sometimes lower). I don't wear a size 4 as much as I used to (a 6 or 7 now) and I put on a one-piece instead of a bikini in the summer, but I look pretty good. My hips may be a little bigger (thus the bigger clothes), but after passing two human beings through, I think they have a right to be :). My metabolism has slowed some, and I have been watching my diet a little better...but I digress.

I do find it admirable that you haven't put down your wife because that doesn't help. But it is a fact of life that some of us women aren't destined to look at 40 what we did at 20 (and it goes for men too). I don't mean that we should let ourselves go to hell, but sometimes no matter what we do, nature takes its course. And 0% body fat on your sister? Unless you are exaggerating, that is not healthy for any person. A lack of body fat can affect a woman's system (reproductive and otherwise) pretty badly--anorexics often have severe reproductive problems. So yes, it is important for us to stay healthy, but we don't have to look like a stick figure to do it. And yes, my husband finds me attractive, even with a few stretch marks :)

[cake_crumb]

"LoL...all the while saying to each other, 'Tomorrow night, ok?' "

LOL...Or "catch me in the morning", which doesn't always work out as planned either. Nope, it doesn't get easier.