'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Ignatz]

Describe to me, in twenty words or less, your last orgasm.

Okay:
I received a Lewinsky from my wife that was so good I had to pull the sheets outta my a$$!

[cake_crumb]

"Things got hard once we had 3 little kids and 1 income, so I don't buy the 2 income thing."

That's just a different set of problems which then have to be dealt with. I did both too...coincidentally including the three kids. The thing is that there will ALWAYS be problems in life, whether one of you is working or you're both working, whether you have kids or not.

Fulfillment is where we FIND it. I've never known anyone who managed to find fulfillment when they actively LOOK for it. These people who're complaining about the lack of it seem to think they can somehow earn it, like a salary or a gold medal. They're actively, desprately looking for it, and as long as they do that, they'll never find it. Conversely, people who claim to be fulfilled all the time are deluding themselves. A life without problems isn't a life.

[dirtboy]

Now that sheds a whole new light on this: "Oh, cripes, get that damned dog off the bed!"

"Move over little dog cause the big dog`s moving in..."
Hank Williams

[mombonn]

"Her idea of foreplay is me taking out the trash and doing the dishes while keeping the kids entertained."

He's obviously never read "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" by Dr. Kevin Leman.

[dirtboy]

He's obviously never read "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" by Dr. Kevin Leman.

Just be careful with the hand mixer...

[Physicist]

She asks, "Is it worth it for me to go through some kind of therapy?"

"Absolutely," says Tony Jurich, a past president of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

"Ain't nothing wrong with you that 120 bucks an hour won't fix."

The Los Angeles-area consultant, he says, might explore new ways to encourage his spouse to lose weight,

Oh, yeah, that's going to go over big.

Is it ever wise to just resign yourself to a no-sex state of affairs? It depends, therapists said.

"How much money do you have?"

[Rushmore Rocks]

"People shouldn't need sex toys to turn them on."

I agree. But AFTER you're turned on, they can really be alot of fun.

[TheBigB]

[k2blader]

I'd say saying The smartest women do have children or The smartest women do not have children are equally "true" as both are based solely on personal preference.

[Phantom Lord]

Just be careful with the hand mixer...

Thats why I got a Kitchen Aide stand mixer for Christmas 2 years ago!

[papertyger]

this is utterly ridiculous... it's as if they are saying that sex is 90 percent of a marriage..would they divorce their spouse if they became paralyzed and couldn't have sex anymore?

You're missing the point. "Can't" isn't offensive: "won't" is!

[cake_crumb]

"The result is having a profound impact on the gene pool. The smartest women do not have any kids, pretty much capping how smart women in general can be."

I'm considered fairly smart. I have three children.

There are a LOT of female FReepers who will gladly disillusion you on that point.

On the point of heat, I'm of childbearing age still, and go into 'heat' once a month. It's just the normal ovulation cycle. Using your cavewoman/man analogy, most likely, women go into heat more often in order to keep their males interested, and AROUND. If he takes off, it's quicker and easier to catch another male to help raise the kids, because human children take the longest to grow into adulthood.

[Interesting Times]

Hey. No bad mouthing sex toys!

Now there's a phrase...

[rapture-me]

Well now isn't that interesting! I'm now just a little over 50 and have come to believe that most women my age believe that the word 'Foreplay' is a short way of describing three weeks of intense begging.

[VOA]

bump

[William McKinley]

I don't think it is very dated, at all, although I do think way too many couples don't follow its timeless wisdom.

It is a statement that basically stating the responsibility that goes along with the expectation of fidelity, namely that a good, conscientious spouse is not selfish when it comes to their flesh.

[SouthParkRepublican]

”Obviously this thread hits pretty close to home ...I guess I'll just be quiet

I’m in more or less the same boat. I try to be supportive and affirmative with my wife but do drop hints where appropriate like “When are you going to get rid of all those clothes that don’t fit you anymore” or “Hey hon, my gym is running a free trial membership want to come with me”. It has worked to some extent but I am careful not to hurt her feelings or give her any ammunition to use in every argument we get into (nag..nag..nag).

It is important to remember that we all marry for better or worse and subsequently share in our spouses shortcomings and failures. If there is any way you can help her out you should.

[dirtboy]

Thats why I got a Kitchen Aide stand mixer for Christmas 2 years ago!

Kinky...

[gathersnomoss]

Oh hell, you can just handle it if there is no other outlet.

[Aliska]

Yes, that is their business. How was I telling anybody how to have sex? I was merely stating my personal opinion and observations.