'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Scothia]

I can not for the life of me , understand how people can look at themselves, and be 40, 50,60 pounds overweight and say this ok. It is a major drag when one partner stays in shape and the other lets themselves just keep expanding and then say...."You dont look at me anymore, or why dont we do it more often?"

Did your wife give birth to, nurse, and nurture your children?

Just thought I'd ask.

[William McKinley]

It's a dog day afternoon.

[Rushmore Rocks]

Personally, I prefer chocolate syrup.

Know what? I just realized I am a conservative everywhere but the bedroom (and the kitchen!)

[papertyger]

I see you are familiar with "doggy style."

You sit up and beg.

She rolls over, and plays dead.

[Phantom Lord]

Because of your handle I will tell you this. Neither I nor my wife are prime physical specimens. Me worse than her. When one of us makes a comment to the other a Cartman response will be fired back.

We need to lay off the Powdered Doughnut Pancake Surprise and Cheezy Poofs.

[cake_crumb]

"Oftentimes, Jess and I will have the best intentions of getting in some 'quality time', but come 9:30, we've both fallen asleep on the couch! LOL"

Hubby and I do that frequently. At least, nodding off on the couch, and then getting up and toddling off to bed by mutual agreement.

[Celantro]

>On the other hand, it can be argued that the purpose of sex is for procreation. If you are not trying to have kids, then by definition you are a pervert.

Whoa! What are you, Ben Franklin? Sex is fun, my man. We only live once. Deny yourself this natural urge and in time, your (insert name of body part here) will explode.

[LiteKeeper]

read later

[Syncro]

Buried resentments led the list

Quite common. If one spouse has resentments that she won't talk to her husband about, it can cause issues to build up until the "dam" bursts.

Others cited a spouse's failure to stay in shape

If one spouse suddenly starts getting in shape, it may be indicitive of deep problems. (Maybe she isn't doing it for her spouse, but for vanity's sake.) Or...?

...but my wife insists that she has no, and I mean NO, sexual drive."

Games? For ulteriour motives?

Other couples prefer personal therapy by a psychologist or marriage and family therapist

Another frustrated reader asks what to do if your spouse refuses to seek help?

Or just resists it. This is a "sign" I beleive of other implications.

[WaveThatFlag]

Do you 'ave a lahzeenze for zat minkey?

[Rebelbase]

I know a guy who went through an ugly divorce. The day of the separation when things were at their most acrimonious between him and his wife, he found a vibrator in their bedroom.

He never let her know he found it. Instead, he walked out to the garden, picked a cayenne pepper, broke in half and rubbed it all over the device.

He heard later that his wife made a trip to the emergency room, but he never found out why.

[dark_lord]

And on an interesting technical note -- did you know that in hunter-gather societies the women tend to go about 4 or 5 years after giving birth before ovulating again? Here's why -- it turns out that the women tended to breast feed the kids up to about age 4 or so. Because the hunter-gathering lifestyle did not bring in sufficient calories for the women to breast feed and commence ovulating again, they didn't. This tended to keep the birthrate way down for hunter-gatherers. However, once people started planting crops and herding, their calories increased a whole lot. Response - ovulation kicked back in quicker, population boom.

[ItsOurTimeNow]

Hubby and I do that frequently. At least, nodding off on the couch, and then getting up and toddling off to bed by mutual agreement.

LoL...all the while saying to each other, "Tomorrow night, ok?"

It doesn't get easier, that's for sure.

[ItsOurTimeNow]

He never let her know he found it. Instead, he walked out to the garden, picked a cayenne pepper, broke in half and rubbed it all over the device.

Oh man...that's harsh!

"The roof...the roof...the roof is on fiyah!"

[Liberal Classic]

Apparently there are many useful sex aids in the kitchen.

I don't disagree, though I don't mean quite the same thing you do. Most of ours are in the refrigerator. I've found that nothing gets my lady in the mood better than a full tummy. However, therein lies the problem. We've both been afflicted with a case of happy fat, and when I try to get her on a diet it becomes a somewhat unhappy time for me. Oh, what an unpleasant catch-22.

[Rebelbase]

"Whoa! What are you, Ben Franklin?"

From what I've read, Ben F. was a real ladies man well into his senior years.

[gathersnomoss]

Oh hell, you can just handle it if there is no other outlet.

[MikeD]

John Piper had an interesting sermon on the subject. The bottom line was that husbands and wives should live to please their spouses and offer themselves accordingly. Ephesians 5 has a lot to say about the topic as well. Marriages work better if each partner is willing to give.

MD

[Delbert]

yes we have one child, giving birth is no excuse..it is however an "easy out". I have a sister that has had 4 children and has 0 body fat and is an aerobics instructor. My other sister has had three kids and is in excellent shape. Because they work out and watch what they eat. The child thing doesnt really cut it, I know too many women who have kids and dont blimp out.

[mombonn]

This is a gourmet French recipe, . . .

My dear carlo3b, surely you know we are boycotting all things French.

Surely you can find another description of this delicious-sounding recipe!