USO Canteen FReeper Style ~ Military Jokes & Humor ~ November 18 2002

MARINES: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.

ARMY: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.

NAVY: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship.
(Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)

AIR FORCE: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons
and colorful squadron patches all over them.

An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing whose's service is better and whose troops are the bravest?
The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossiple" as he raeches for the phone.
Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.
When all three representives have arrived, the Admiral states "Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course.".
The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned runnig towards the cliff. After performing a triple-linddy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.
The Marine General says "that wasn't nothing," and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff,then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."
And with that the Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.
The Army General then says "Very nice gentlemen, but heres true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."

The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says
"Now gentlemen, thats BRAVERY."

"50 Ways to Annoy Osama bin Laden at a Dinner Party"

By Alan Meiss, ameiss@earthlink.net

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"

Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.

Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.

Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.

Mine his bathroom.

Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".

Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.

Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.

Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to "kick his ass every day for eternity".

Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.

Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".

Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.

Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.

Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.

Mix up his Rubik's Cube.

Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Run your finger along his credenza, and say "tsk, tsk" if there’s dust.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.

Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think , in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"

Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on Friends.

Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.

Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.

Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*

Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.

Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.

Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.

Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.

Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.

Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.

When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

This article is copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss. You are free to forward it to others provided you do not change or add to the contents; you are also free to include the article in print or broadcast media provided you send the author an acknowledgment at ameiss@earthlink.net.

Link

Sounds like a beautiful day up north Kathy! Okay since it's military jokes day...here goes.

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, weapon in his hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh*t!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh*t!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great sh*t."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh*t." (Trouble with the Game Warden, Fed's, and environmentalist - Gaters are on endangered list. Marine doesn't give a sh*t!)

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh*t is this?"

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