Now Tim Allen Is a Racist Because He Doesn't Know How to Play Spades

pjmedia.com ^ | 6/12/2019 | Jim Treacher

[rktman]

Toy Story 4 is premiering next week, which means the stars are doing interviews to promote it, which means the Internet is picking apart every syllable to find something to be angry about. Outrage mining is America's #1 growth industry.

Here's a snippet from what appears to be a harmless, lighthearted celebrity interview:

"You don't know how to play Spades?"

"I'm gonna say I do, just 'cause I wanna move on."

I thought this was kind of funny because I don't know how to play Spades* either. I don't like card games in general, and when people talk about them, it all just sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher to me. So Tim Allen cracked me up a little bit there.

But of course, that's my white privilege talking. I need to check it, because it's blinding me to what's really going on:

[DannyTN]

Having grown up in Louisiana, I once said in a business meeting, “I like Condoleeza Rice, she calls a spade a spade.”

I’m thinking cards. Yeah I was vaguely aware that spade was a derogatory term for blacks, but didn’t make the connection to the cliche.

Until they laughed and someone told me that was a poor choice of words.

[central_va]

I was told that Spades and Hearts were games taught to children as an aid to learning how to play Bridge proper. I never graduated.

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[chesley]

hearts was my game. my wife doesn’t like cards, either, or I would learn to play Bridge.

[RightField]

They don't even know how to play this race card right (pun intended).
They should have asked if he could play Bid Whist.

[DoughtyOne]

I used to play a number of card games when I was younger.

I don’t remember how to play spades any longer, and for heaven’s sake, what does that have to do with racism?

We have developed a culture that make the movie Idiocracy understated.

[be-baw]

I loved playing poker. Other than 500 Rummy with my wife, poker was the only cards I played after college. I miss it.

[Dr. Sivana]

I personally think anyone who doesn't like to play Rook is anti-avian.

Don't even get me started on people who don't know how to play Mille-Bornes. Bunch of neo-Luddites!

Sounds like you grew up on Parker Brothers' games (minus Ouija). Did you leave out Flinch?

[be-baw]

I preferred Hearts to Spades. I played it a lot more.

Once upon a time I wanted to learn how to play Bridge but in my life, as far as I know, I only knew one person who knew how to play. It requires four doesn’t it?

[dfwgator]

"Ukraine is game to you?"

[VietVet876]

I the only thing I remember about a card game we played as teenagers was the Queen of Spades was referred to as the “Black Bitch”. I’m pretty sure the game wasn’t spades.

[MayflowerMadam]

We couldn’t play ANY kind of cards because it was “sinful”. When I got older I liked Pit and Rook. Can’t remember anything abou them any more.

[alternatives?]

It was always fun to attempt to make a blind zilch.

[dfwgator]

The Deck of Cards - Tex Ritter

Friends, this is Tex Ritter with a strange story about a soldier boy and a deck of cards. During a North African campaign a bunch of soldier boys had been on a long hike, and they arrived in a little town called Casino.”
The next morning being Sunday several of the boys went to church.

A Sargent commanded the boys in church, and after the Chaplain had read the prayer the text was taken up next..Those of the boys who had a prayer book took them out, but this one boy only had a deck of cards, and so he spread them out.

The Sergeant saw the cards and said, “Soldier, put away those cards.”

After the services were over the soldier was taken prisoner and brought before the Provost Marshall.

The Marshall said, “Sargent, why have you brought this man here?”
“For playing cards in church, sir.”

“And what have you to say for yourself, son?”

“Much, sir.” replied the soldier.

‘The Marshall said, “I hope so, for if not , I shall punish you more than any man was ever punished.”

The soldier said, “Sir , I have been on a march for about six days, and I had neither Bible nor Prayer Book, but I hope to satisfy you, Sir, with the purity of my intentions.”

With that the boy started his story.

“You see, Sir, when I look at the Ace it reminds me that there is but one God.

The deuce reminds me that the Bible is divided into two parts; the Old and New Testaments.

And when I see the trey I think of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

When I see the four I think of the four evangelist who preached the Gospel. There was Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

And when I see the five it reminds me of the five wise virgins who trimmed their lamps. Ten of ‘em; five who were wise and were saved; five were foolish and were shut out.

And when I see the six it reminds me that in six days God made this great heaven and earth.

And when I see the seven it reminds me that on the seventh day God rested from His great work.

When I see the eight I think of the eight righteous persons God saved when he destroyed this earth. There was Noah, his wife, their three sons, and their wives.

And when I see the nine I think of the lepers our Savior cleansed , and nine of the ten didn’t even thank Him.

When I see the ten I think of the Ten Commandments God handed down to Moses on a tablet of stone.

When I see the King it reminds me that there is but one King of Heaven, God Almighty.

And when I see the queen I think of the Blessed Virgin Mary who is Queen of Heaven.

And the jacks, or knaves, it’s the devil.

And when I count the number of spots on a deck of cards I find three hundred sixty-five the number of days in a year. Fifty-two cards, the number of weeks in a year. Four suits, the number of weeks in a month. Twelve picture cards, the number of months in a year. Thirteen tricks, the number of weeks in a quarter. So you see, Sir, my pack of cards serve me as a Bible, almanac, and prayer book.”

“Friends, I know this story is true, because I knew that soldier.”

[Buckeye McFrog]

Until they laughed and someone told me that was a poor choice of words.

Take it as a compliment. You pretty much have to be a racist in order to be familiar with all of the racial slurs out there.

[Secret Agent Man]

Don know what Rook is either. :)

[LegendHasIt]

I’m surprised that they haven’t demanded that David Spade change his name to David Cracker, or David Honkey or something.

[Pearls Before Swine]

So Spades is ok but then Hearts is racist?

[conejo99]

In a small Iowa college we played Euchre, spades, hearts, and bridge. Some of us studied too.

[PAR35]

Playing Spades sounds highly racist to me.