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Breaking: Rolling Stones Guitarist Keith Richards Found Still Alive!!! (satire but true)
New Roman Times ^ | 12/27/2017

Posted on 12/28/2016 5:01:29 AM PST by God luvs America

WESTON – In a startling development for the Rock n Roll community, world famous Rolling Stones guitarist and songwriter Keith Richards was found alive on Wednesday. Crew members said they found his animated body sitting beside an amp, picking at a guitar and murmuring some incomprehensible melody. Shocked but elated, the roadies took Richards back to the dressing rooms and covered his old broken body with designer scarves and skull rings.

“It’s astounding” said longtime Rolling Stones roadie Steve Kruger, “to find him in this state is…well, it’s unexpected to say the least.” Richards, the grizzly-faced guitarist long thought to be the most likely person on the planet to next kick the bucket, was noodling on a 5-string fender when he was found miraculously still conscious. “At first I thought it was some 200-year old giant turtle that crawled in here, or a wrinkly sack of potatoes with somebody inside,” recalled Kruger. “But no! There he was, strumming away on a few opening chords to ‘Start Me Up.’ What I was seeing looked awful, but unmistakable. When I realized it was Keith, I thought it might be one of those holograms like they created for Michael Jackson and 2Pac at Bonnaroo music fest a few years back. But then I touched him and he screamed ‘what the hell do you want!?’, and I knew.”


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: chat; notnews; satire
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1 posted on 12/28/2016 5:01:29 AM PST by God luvs America
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To: God luvs America

Kinda surprising they found him sitting beside an amp; one would be forgiven for believing he was found wrapped up in bandages and stuffed into a sarcophagus somewhere just outside Cairo.


2 posted on 12/28/2016 5:05:52 AM PST by Jack Hammer
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To: God luvs America

Keith Richards and Elvis are perfect characters for some “Men in Black” episode.

Of course, Elvis returned to his home planet.


3 posted on 12/28/2016 5:09:44 AM PST by COBOL2Java (1 Tim 2:1-3)
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To: God luvs America

LOL, The headline for the decade!!!


4 posted on 12/28/2016 5:11:08 AM PST by Robert DeLong
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To: God luvs America

What Keith Richards has taught me is that the key to a long life is chain smoking, doing an insane number of Drugs and drinking tons of hard liquor.


5 posted on 12/28/2016 5:14:43 AM PST by KC_Lion ("I'm a believer that you don't need a title, and you don't need an office to make a difference"~S.P.)
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To: God luvs America

Keith Richards, the new Abe Vigoda.


6 posted on 12/28/2016 5:15:17 AM PST by Riley (The Fourth Estate is the Fifth Column.)
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To: God luvs America

7 posted on 12/28/2016 5:15:18 AM PST by Carriage Hill ( Peace is that brief glorious moment in history, when everybody stands around reloading.)
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To: God luvs America

8 posted on 12/28/2016 5:17:30 AM PST by Lonesome in Massachussets (Psephomancers for Hillary!)
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To: God luvs America

How can you be SURE he’s alive...look at him!


9 posted on 12/28/2016 5:18:18 AM PST by burndoubt (I'm the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker that ever plucked a mother pheasant)
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To: God luvs America

Didn’t realize this until recently but Keith Richards lives only a few miles from me by Devil’s Den Nature Preserve in Weston, CT. Well it’s one of his homes anyway, I’ve never seen him around town. Nice hiking area though. Maybe I’ll run into him someday on the trail. Be much more likely to see him than to see Crooked Hillary on the trails in Chappequa.


10 posted on 12/28/2016 5:25:20 AM PST by SamAdams76
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To: God luvs America

One could substitute Don Imus. Richards and he look like twins separated at birth....


11 posted on 12/28/2016 5:27:04 AM PST by donozark (Attention Bella and Gigi Hadid: PLEASE stop fighting over me!)
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To: God luvs America

That was hilarious, thanks!!!


12 posted on 12/28/2016 5:28:15 AM PST by Robert DeLong
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To: God luvs America

Dylan was opening for the Stones when he won his Nobel prize for literature.... Richard’s response paraphrased... “I should’ve got one for chemistry.”


13 posted on 12/28/2016 5:31:37 AM PST by jerod (Socialism=Governance by Government - The National Socialist German Workers' Party is a good example.)
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To: donozark

Watch it donozark. I've got your number!!!
14 posted on 12/28/2016 5:31:53 AM PST by Robert DeLong
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To: KC_Lion

How his lungs continue to function is remarkable.
More pictures of him exist with a cigarette than without.

15 posted on 12/28/2016 5:31:59 AM PST by Blue Jays ( Rock hard ~ Ride free)
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To: SamAdams76

I’m sure that Keith saw plenty of trails back in the day.


16 posted on 12/28/2016 5:32:49 AM PST by Freestate316 (Know what you believe and why you believe it.)
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To: Lonesome in Massachussets

So true... When he’s 115 and they ask him what has kept him alive for so long his answer will likely be... Sex, drugs and rock and roll.


17 posted on 12/28/2016 5:35:46 AM PST by jerod (Socialism=Governance by Government - The National Socialist German Workers' Party is a good example.)
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To: God luvs America

As the old joke goes, if there is ever an all-out nuclear war, the only living things that will survive will be cockroaches and Keith Richards.


18 posted on 12/28/2016 5:40:11 AM PST by GreenHornet
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To: God luvs America

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
Woo woo, woo woo


19 posted on 12/28/2016 5:40:59 AM PST by Sasparilla (I 'm Not Tired Of Winning)
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To: God luvs America

He has been married to Patti Hansen since 1983 when he turned 40. I give her a lot of credit. The short bio I read online says she is a born again Christian.


20 posted on 12/28/2016 5:46:57 AM PST by xp38
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