Soft toilet paper becomes target of environmentalists

kansas.com ^ | 12-17-09 | Donald Bradley

[smokingfrog]

"They'll take my Ultra Soft Charmin only when they pry it from my cold, dead, aloe-smelling hands."

Highly doubtful it will come to that. Please, sit.

We're talking about toilet paper. Charlton Heston's famous vow was of guns.

The issue over tissue in the bathroom — the really super-soft stuff — is more like the fight about the big SUVs loved by many Americans.

Anti-green, environmentalists say. Politically incorrect. Why should Americans use luxurious toilet paper made from old-growth trees when much of the world gets by with a far more basic and often recycled product?

Why should we flush redwoods, so to speak?

So Greenpeace, the Natural Resources Defense Council and other environmental groups have pushed manufacturers such as Kimberly-Clark (Cottonelle) and Procter & Gamble (Charmin) to stop using wood from virgin forests to make tissue products.

Mountains of paper are dumped every day into recycling bins in homes, offices, factories and schools. Use that to make toilet paper, the activists say.

Time to roll off the big number: If each American family would buy one recycled roll just one time, it would save 400,000 trees, allegedly.

The problem, though, is that each time paper is shredded during the recycling process, its fibers get shorter. The shorter the fiber, the less soft the tissue. And Americans, though saying in surveys that they embrace green initiatives, also say they don't want to sacrifice comfort.

"The truth is that other parts of the world are further along in using recycled content," said Kay Jackson, spokeswoman for Kimberly-Clark. "The American consumer still wants softness, and they are speaking with their pocketbooks."

Pulling back in a competitive market is asking a lot, manufacturers say. They also point out that only 5 percent of forest-industry production goes toward toilet paper.

[Springman]

Ping.

[Slings and Arrows]

Fine. I'll wipe my *** with a spotted owl.

[BunnySlippers]

Someone gave me an Ed Hardy keychain. I could not hurl it across the room fast enough!

[Redcitizen]

You can tell people you have a Charmin personality. =)

[M Kehoe]

With newspapers folding left and right, whatever will be use?

Good question my FRiend. And what will my friend's parakeet use for the cage liner?

5.56mm

[RightOnTheLeftCoast]

I’ve long maintained that Germany invaded Poland due to bad-temperedness arising from their own lousy TP. It’s just horrid, a cross between newsprint and sandpaper.

No thanks.

[Fintan]

"The truth is that other parts of the world are further along in using recycled content..."

The hammer they keep beating over our heads. I'm so tired of hearing about what the rest of the world does...We're already on our way to becoming a third-world country.

[RightOnTheLeftCoast]

“Whenever the faeces is removed from the anal orifice by a stone, a clod or the like — although its becoming pure is a matter of consideration, praying like that is not objected and things that come into contact with the area do not become najis. The small particles and the viscidity that remain in the area are no problem either. It is not necessary to clean the anal orifice with three stones or three pieces of cloth but it is enough to do so using different corners/parts of a single stone or piece of cloth. Moreover, if the faeces is removed by wiping with the mentioned things only once, it suffices.” — Ayatollah Khomeini, courtesy of the Comparative Fatwas of the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei, http://www.leader.ir/tree/index.php?catid=47

And Allah knows best.

[dervish]

“lefties can STFU”

can’t say that often enough for me.

[proud_yank]

Take these jerks seriously. A few years ago, no normal person ever thought they would succeed in getting normal light bulbs outlawed.

When toilet paper is a luxury instead of a commodity, the socialist ideal has been achieved.

[proud_yank]

How fitting: As we move from soft tyranny to hard tyranny, we move from soft TP to hard TP. I was told by a friend who experienced the Castro takeover, that a good early sign of Marxism is that normal TP disappears.

I just posted to someone else that when toilet paper is a luxury and not a commodity, the socialist ideal has been achieved.

[jurroppi1]

Reminds me of Clerks:
- Oh. Can l help you ?

Well, uh, that depends.
You got maybe a toilet in here ?

- Yeah, but it’s for employees only.

I understand.
But I, uh, thought maybe
you’d let me use it anyway.

I’m not so young anymore and I’m,
how do you say, a little incontinent.

- Sure. in the back, through the cooler.

Thank you, sonny boy.

Say, uh, what kind of toilet paper
you got back there ?

- The white kind.

I didn’t ask about the color.

I mean, is it rough
or is it cottony ?

- Actually, it’s kinda rough.

Oh, boy !

It’s gonna knock the hell
out of my hemorrhoids.

I thought maybe you could
Let me have a roll of the soft stuff.

I see you sell
the soft stuff back there.

- Yeah, but—

Come on, boitshik !
What’s the difference ?

You said yourself
you have the rough stuff in the back.

- Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Thank you, sonny boy.

You’re a lifesaver.

H/T to whoever posted it on a similar thread at FARK.com

[LibertyRocks]

< Kanye Whine Voice >
Environmentalists hate those with bowel disorders
< /Kanye Whine Voice >

Seriously, though. They can go to He$$ if they think I’m going to NOT have soft toilet paper. I say we all make them prepare for a Colonoscopy with scratchy toilet paper... If that doesn’t make them change their minds then we might as well flush THEM.

I could go on, with a bunch of examples, and interesting things to do to them to make them change their minds, but then I’d be flamed with posts filled with the TMI tags...

They can all kiss my a$$! (and yes, that’s just a figure of speech!)

[LibertyRocks]

Yeah, and now we have to dispose of them in PLASTIC ZIPLOC BAGS so as not to contaminate ground water with MERCURY! Heaven forbid one breaks - the EPA suggests clearing the entire room, opening all the windows and then vacuuming, and then disposing the vacuumed particles in another PLASTIC BAG -- and even BIGGER ZIPLOC BAG! They're all geniuses I tell ya!

[LibertyRocks]

That is SO true! Who knew that mandatory seatbelts, and child car seats, banning tag and dodgeball, not to mention Jarts(Lawn Darts), and such would lead us to a generation of idiots that actually grew up?

[smokingfrog]

If that’s not proof they’re still living in the stone age, I don’t know what is.

[TheOldLady]

Baby harp seals and very young polar bear cubs work well too.

[Slings and Arrows]

I’d use an environmentalist, but heaven knows they aren’t sanitary.

[a fool in paradise]

Global Climate Change isn’t about saving the planet, it is about reducing the Americans’ standard of living, comrade.

This crap ends NOW.

[TheOldLady]

I’d use an environmentalist, but heaven knows they aren’t sanitary.

Yeah, and they're 'way too willing too.