Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora
Could we start a Joke thread? Political or other category Jokes - humor and laughing prompts one to live longer - I try to find some each day.
The blonde puts in a dollar bill and presses the button for "Coke." Out pops a can of Coke and 50 cents change. A man approaches and kindly waits his turn to use the vending machine.
The blonde then puts another dollar bill into the slot and, slightly hesitating, presses the "Pepsi" button. Out pops a can of Pepsi and 50 cents change.
The blonde then rummages through her purse. She pulls out anouther dollar bill and slips it into the vending machine. The blonde pauses for several seconds before making a selection. The man behind her sighs aloud. Paying no attention to the man's impatience, the blonde selects "Mountain Dew." Out pops a can of Mountain Dew and 50 cents change.
The blonde then searches through her purse again and finally finds another dollar bill. She puts it into the vending machine, taking a while to decide which button to push. After a minute or so, the man behind her asks, "Ma'am, how much longer will you be at this machine"?
The blonde turned around and said, "Well...duh!...can't you see I'm winning."
Person 1: Knock-knock
Person 2: Who’s there?
Person 1: ADD kid
Person 2: ADD Ki....
Person 1: Wanna ride bikes?
The winners.....
1
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it .
4
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh,
like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9
The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11
From the attic came an unearthly howl.
The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality,
like when you’re on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12
Her hair glistened in the rain
like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13
The hailstones leaped from the pavement,
just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14
Long separated by cruel fate,
the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph,
the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16
John and Mary had never met.
They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant,
and she was the East River.
18
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
20
The young fighter had a hungry look,
the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
22
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe
and extended one slender leg behind her,
like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23
It was an American tradition,
like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
24
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Now, that’s a good one! Thanks.
Panhandling expert
Jose and Carlos have been panhandling at the freeway off ramp for several years.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in two to three dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose, “How do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
Jose answers, “Look at your sign, Carlos.” It reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support”
Carlos looks at Jose’s sign. It reads: “I only need another $100.00 to move back to Mexico”
Excellent, Thank You!
If I find the other FR thread in my links at work, I'll post them here Friday.
Good stuff. Bump for later reading on this thread.
A panda bear walks into a pub and sits down at a table. The waiter takes his order and later brings the panda his food. When the waiter returns with the bill the panda shoots the waiter and proceeds to walk out of the pub. The owner runs over to confront the panda about shooting the waiter and not paying his bill. The panda bear rolls his eyes and proceeds to bring out an encyclopedia. The panda says to the owner “ you obviously know nothing about pandas”. The owner reads the encyclopedia entry on pandas ... “ Panda Bears: Eats Shoots and Leaves. “
Great idea! Thanks
The value of trust in a relationship...
A pastor and his wife are travelling on business. The husband has to return home early. The wife tells him, “Honey, in case I don’t make it back, look in the closet and open the green box.”
So the husband goes home. Curiosity gets a hold of him, and he looks in the closet and opens the box.
His wife gets home, and he confesses. “Honey, I’m sorry, I opened the box. I found three eggs and a stack of $100 bills. I don’t get it.”
His wife said, “Well, dear, over the years, whenever you’ve preached a bad sermon, in other words, “laid an egg”, I would come home and place an egg in this box.”
“That’s great!” said the husband. “Twenty five years of preaching, and only three bad sermons! But...what’s with the stack of $100 bills?”
The wife said, “Well, when you get to a dozen eggs, you gotta sell.”
OK, here’s another scottish joke.
Say this 3 times fast in a scottish accent:
WHALE ... OIL ... BEEF ... HOOKED...
A couple go to Las Vegas for a few days. One afternoon the wife decides to have her hair done. The husband, with time to kill, decides he would like to try one of those high priced call girls he has heard so much about. So he goes to the bar and sees a good looking gal at the end of the bar. He goes up to her and says are you available and she says for a price what have you got? He says I was thinking of $50 The gal says 50 bucks thats outrageous get lost I am a classy gal. The husband, humiliated, goes back to the casino and plays poker until the wife arrives. On the way up to their room, the elevator stops at a floor and who gets in but the hooker from the bar. The husband is beside himself. As the door closes and elevator starts moving the hooker nudges the husband and whispers in his ear see what you get for 50 bucks.
That dog 'll bite you!
DAM
THE PERFECT DRESS
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents’ nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the
other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”
A priest a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and exclaims, “What is this! Some kind of joke?”
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