[doug from upland]

MIDI - MASTER OF THE HOUSE

Something is wrong…so very wrong
Somebody tell me what’s going on
It’s getting old…worn out and old
Rotting in prison’s where he belongs
Major felonies from a major sleaze
He got away with stealing some history

He’s a master louse, lying easily
He was once in charge of our security
One day Clinton said, “You must take a chance
Get the memos and then stuff them in your pants”
Sandy Burglar, lowlife scumbag…yes, I know that isn’t nice
But like all Clintonistas, he is never gonna pay a price

He’s a master louse, lying easily
He was once in charge of our security
Violates the law…that’s the way it goes
Once again by Noel Hillman we got hosed
Sandy Burglar, lowlife scumbag…yes, I know that isn’t nice
But like all Clintonistas, he is never gonna pay a price

He’s a master louse, lying easily
He was once in charge of our security
Access was obtained…Clinton got him in
He sat down and subterfuge would soon begin
Sandy Burglar, lowlife scumbag…yes, I know that isn’t nice
But like all Clintonistas, he is never gonna pay a price

Something is wrong…so very wrong
Somebody tell me what’s going on
It’s getting old…worn out and old
Rotting in prison’s where he belongs
Major felonies from a major sleaze
He got away with stealing some history

He’s a master louse, lying easily
He was once in charge of our security
Following the lead of his mentor Bill
Those guys are undoubtedly conspiring still
Sandy Burglar, lowlife scumbag…yes, I know that isn’t nice
But like all Clintonistas, he is never gonna pay a price

He’s a master louse, lying easily
He was once in charge of our security
He wants us to think it’s an accident
Things he did for the impeached ex-president
Sandy Burglar, lowlife scumbag…yes, I know that isn’t nice
Like all Clintonstas, like all Clintonistas, he is never gonna pay a price

He’s a master louse, lying easily
He was once in charge of our security
And just like his boss, he ignored the threats
We don’t even know of all their damage yet
Sandy Burglar, lowlife scumbag…yes, I know that isn’t nice
Like all Clintonstas, he is never gonna pay a price

He’s a master louse, lying easily
He was once in charge of our security
Friends said that his desk always was a mess
So they blamed the whole thing on his sloppiness
Sandy Burglar, lowlife scumbag…yes, I know that isn’t nice
Like all Clintonstas, he is never gonna pay a price

He’s a master louse, lying easily
He was once in charge of our security
If the truth comes out, we are gonna find
Terror was the last thing that was on their mind
Sandy Burglar, lowlife scumbag…yes, I know that isn’t nice
Like the Clintonista gang…like the Clintonista gang…like the Clintonista gang
He will never pay a price

COMING NEXT: La Donna è Mobile (yes, from the Italian opera)

[doug from upland]

La Donna è Mobile

Get MIDI music here: http://www.amato.org/amato0102/rigoletto02.html



Documents in his pants…Sandy took quite a chance
Several were there to see…felonies

Stealing some history…for Clinton’s legacy
He’s Sandy Burglar man…he would do all he can

Soon the commission meets…he would be feeling heat
Friends laughed at sloppiness…he lived in such a mess

What had he been stealing…about Clinton’s dealings
‘Though he had the chance…Osama would not be killed
Not today, not today…no, he would not be killed
Not todaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…he would not be killed today

Documents in his socks…his excuse is a crock
It was an accident…no harm meant

Would Sandy pay the price…orange jump suits can look nice
Perp walks are fun to see…on pay per view TV

Everything would be fine…he’d do no jail time
He was a Clinton hack…he’d get his clearance back

What had he been stealing…about Clinton’s dealings
‘Though he had the chance…Osama would not be killed
Not today, not today…no, he would not be killed
Not todaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…he would not be killed today

COMING NEXT: Mambo No. 5

[joonbug]

Mark Steyn had some good entries for this as well. Posted on Powerline Blog.

[Charles Henrickson]

Here are the three entries I sent in to the contest:

THE SANDY MAN
Tune: "The Candy Man"

Who can take a paper
Stuff it in a shoe
Cover up the caper
With a perjury or two?
The Sandy Man . . .
The Sandy Man can . . .
The Sandy Man can
'Cause he takes it from the file
To make his boss look good.

Who can take a secret
Tape it to his thigh
Walk it out and sneak it
Like an undercover spy?
The Sandy Man . . .
The Sandy Man can . . .
The Sandy Man can
'Cause he takes it from the file
To make his boss look good.

The Sandy Man makes
Every move that takes
Classifying as suspicious
And the line of crap he dishes
You can even call fictitious.

Who can take a memo
Slip it up a sleeve
Hold it near his elbow
And say nothing when he leaves?
The Sandy Man . . .
The Sandy Man can . . .
The Sandy Man can
'Cause he takes it from the file
To make his boss look good.

The Sandy Man makes
Every move that takes
Classifying as suspicious
And the line of crap he dishes
You can even call fictitious.

Who can take a memo
Slip it up a sleeve
Hold it near his elbow
And say nothing when he leaves?
The Sandy Man . . .
The Sandy Man can . . .
The Sandy Man can
'Cause he takes it from the file
To make his boss look good. . . .

(SITTIN' WHERE) THE DOCUMENTS LAY
Tune: "(Sittin' on) The Dock of the Bay"

Sittin' in an archive room
I see written who did what about whom
Watchin' for Clinton's role
Got to keep my boss's legacy whole

I'm sittin' where the documents lay
Watchin' the guard walk away
I'll just fit 'em in my socks so they'll stay
Placed inside

I'm liftin' just a portion
Just the ones that would give Clinton grief
If I do a few more contortions
It looks like some will even fit in my briefs

I'm sittin' where the documents lay
Watchin' the guard walk away
I'll just fit 'em in my socks so they'll stay
Placed inside

Looks like nothing seems too strange
Everything still appears the same
But I still got these ten papers here left to do
So I hope my suit stands the strain

Sittin' here looking around
And these documents must weigh fifty pounds
These two thousand files I found
Tend to make my socks fall down

I'm sittin' where the documents lay
Watchin' the guard walk away
I'll just fit 'em in my socks so they'll stay
Placed inside

"IN THE ARCHIVES" (Sandy works for me)
Tune: "In the Garden" (And he walks with me)
As sung by Bill Clinton

He comes to the Archives alone
Pulls a heist right under their noses
'Cause the stuff they have
Would make me look bad
The things that it discloses

Sandy works for me
He does dirt for me
And he knows what files need to go
And the stuff he takes
Showing my mistakes
None other will ever know

He speaks and the sound of his voice
Is so sweet the guards stop their guarding
And the documents
In his socks and pants
He'll soon be out discarding

Sandy works for me
He does dirt for me
And he knows what files need to go
And the stuff he takes
Showing my mistakes
None other will ever know

I'd go to the Archives with him
But that might cause people to murmur
That's the reason why
I can now deny
I ever knew this Berger

Sandy works for me
He does dirt for me
And he knows what files need to go
And the stuff he takes
Showing my mistakes
None other will ever know
.

[Hoodat]

When I first heard the contest announced last Monday, I knew right then Doug From Upland would be collecting that check.

[WilliamofCarmichael]

I emailed a suggestion to Mr. Bennett that he make recordings of the songs available as bumper music to talk shows nationwide. Seems to me that would be a great way of gettig max publicity for Berger's crimes.

If I had any talent I'd try to come up with something for Transfusion by Nevrous Norvis a top 1950s hit. :)

[Yaelle]

I saw this with only an hour to spare before the deadline (PST anyway) but I had to try my hand.

WHAT I DID FOR BILL
(apologies to A Chorus Line's "What I Did For Love")

"Kiss today goodbye
If you don't destroy those papers!
I wish you luck," she said to me,
"And you won't regret
What you did for Bill,
What you did for Bill."

Look, my socks are full
The docs were ours to borrow
It's as if they Never Were!
And I won't forget
What I did for Bill,
What I did for Bill.

Gone
The evidence is gone
As the legacy goes on
No one will remember

Kiss my luck goodbye
And point me to the dumpster
I did what I Had To Do!
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for Bill!

[Spyder]

Bump.

[Just sayin]

A little late but oh well.


MC HAMMER U Can't Touch This


My 9-11 hits me so hard
Makes me say "oh my lord"
Thank you for blessing me
with clearance to stuff my feet
It feels so good, when you know you're down
A crooked democrat from Washington
And I'm known as such
but these socked feet ,uh, you can't touch
I told you Bush Boy ( you can't touch this)
Yeah, that's how we stealin' and ill show (you can't touch this)
Look in my socks. man ( you can't touch this)
yo, watch me steal these secret papers ( you can't touch this)

Sharp new scissors, but
I say mistake, though you know I wanna cut
So I move, to the john
under a trailor and put a rock on
Camera's rolling, hold on
Lie a little bit, to 'splain what's going on
make sense? make sense?
bad decision, so call them back
An accident I took to much
so these socks you can't touch


Yo, I told you(you can't touch this)
What's in your socks man? (you can't touch this)
Yo, call Clintons cell, the fix is in, Bubba (you can't touch this)


Get me that note, or that copy
the damn commision must not stop me
They can't know
keepin slick from the slammer it is all about to blow
what's wrong is right
I won't inhale but pass me a light
or something to burn
what's it gonna take for people to learn
Body parts? That's it
Do what I say or that lip will get bit


Even if she does blow
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this


Take em down! STOP, Cigar time

Put em in the trunk, like I said
if they catch you with them, you might wind up dead
so quick cut em up like hair
wait a few days, tell em you left them there
do it quick, right before dinner
Follow directions so my legacy's a winner
get on it chump
While I call monica for some bump bump bump


Yeah (you can't touch this
) Look, Sand, ( you can't touch this)
Better get the task done, boy, because you know (You can't touch this)
what's that smell? The blue dress again?


Take em down! STOP, cigar time.

You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this


Take me down! (Nice pants Bubba) STOP, cigar time

In the socks people did see
Clinton's notes, tryin to wipe
the record clean cuz it said we should flee
Now why should he risk doing something like this?
Maybe cuz the White house his wife is tryin to git!
He been around the world, getting funds for a flood
It's bubba, go bubba, hey bubba. go bubba
Still he says, you all still gotta pay.


You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this

[doug from upland]

Ping

[doug from upland]

How about disco?

STAYIN’ ALIVE

Get music here: http://home.freeuk.net/rr/music/midi/beegees/index.html


Well you can tell by the way you see me dance
I’ve been stuffing something in my pants
As you can see I’m loyal still…I am risking all for my pal, Bill

Although it’s not right…isn’t right…I will be sneaking them offsite
And I will do all that I can…’cause I am Sandy Burglar man

Whether it’s a felony, a really major felony
I’m stealin’ the files, stealin’ the files
Don’t know what they’d do to me…I wonder what they’d do to me
I’m stealin’ the files, stealin’ the files
Ah ha ha ha, stealin’ the files, stealin’ the files
Ah ha ha ha stealin’ the fi-i-i-i-i-iles
Stealin’ the files

Bill had blown it when he let Osama go
But there are certain things you shouldn’t know
He spent all his time out chasing tail
While he’s doing that, he was bound to fail

Although it’s not right…isn’t right…I will be sneaking them offsite
And I will do all that I can…’cause I am Sandy Burglar man

Whether it’s a felony, a really major felony
I’m stealin’ the files, stealin’ the files
Don’t know what they’d do to me…I wonder what they’d do to me
I’m stealin’ the files, stealin’ the files
Ah ha ha ha, stealin’ the files, stealin’ the files
Ah ha ha ha, stealin’ the fi-i-i-i-i-iles
Stealin’ files

Would Clinton do this? Would Clinton do this? Would he do this for me?
I am protecting the Clinton legacy
I’m stealin’ the files

Well, very soon I will have to testify
Without evidence, there’s no proof I lied
I will do what must be done
Actually, I think it’s kind of fun

Although it’s not right…isn’t right…I will be sneaking them offsite
And I will do all that I can…’cause I am Sandy Burglar man

Whether it’s a felony, a really major felony
I’m stealin’ the files, stealin’ the files
Don’t know what they’d do to me…I wonder what they’d do to me
I’m stealin’ the files, stealin’ the files
Ah ha ha ha, stealin’ the files, stealin’ the files
Ah ha ha ha, stealin’ the fi-i-i-i-i-iles
Those files

Would Clinton do this? Would Clinton do this? Would he do this for me?
I am protecting the Clinton legacy
I’m stealin’ the files

(I’ve been thinking)
Would Clinton do this? Would Clinton do this? Would he do this for me?
I am protecting the Clinton legacy
I’m stealin’ the files

(I’ve been thinking)
Would Clinton do this? Would Clinton do this? Would he do this for me?
I am protecting the Clinton legacy
I’m stealin’ the files

(I’ve been thinking)
Would Clinton do this? Would Clinton do this? Would he do this for me?
I am protecting the Clinton legacy
I’m stealin’ the files

COMING NEXT: Teddy Bears Picnic

[doug from upland]

This was one of the early ones I did. It is perhaps the best of all the tunes I used to tell the story. This tune was also used to mock John Kerry in 2004 about the day the VVAW voted in Kansas City in Nov. 1971 regarding whether to whack U.S. Senators who supported the war.

Whomever Bill and the judges choose, Bill has created a great method to finally get out this incredibly story of a major felony that went virtually unpunished. Noel Hillman is the guy at the Public Intergity branch of the Justice Department who makes the decisions. He could have prosecuted him big time. So Hillman lets Berger off the hook and Hillary off the hook for campaign finance fraud. What happens to Hillman? He is appointed a federal judge by Bush. What in the heck is going on here? Was his great grandfather on the Black Sox?

Berger gets up every half hour to tinkle so he can deal with what he was stuffing in his pants. He goes outside to the construction trailer drop zone. He cuts the documents with scissors. And the Clinton pals are laughing and saying that he is just sloppy? Just amazing.

BATTLE OF NEW ORLEANS (Battle in Sandy’s Pants)

MIDI music site -- http://www.geocities.com/bmorton.geo/midicountrya_g.html


Two thousand three and some trouble had begun
When Sandy Berger did some things he shouldn’t oughta done
They caught him in the archives as he’s stealin' documents
He’s protecting his old buddy, the impeached ex-president

They’re watchin’ him and the funny things he’s doin’
He got up to go peein’ as he did awhile ago
The guard suspected somethin’ was a brewin’
And if his bladder’s gonna burst, his doctor oughta know

Someone said he seen ‘em puttin’ somethin’ in his pants
But if he was doin’ that, he’s really takin’ quite a chance
They thought about askin’ if he had an itch in there
Because the guy had stature they knew that they didn’t dare

They’re watchin’ him and the funny things he’s doin’
He got up to go peein’ as he did awhile ago
The guard suspected somethin’ was a brewin’
And if his bladder’s gonna burst, his doctor oughta know

He made his four visits and they wondered what he took
Who could know a former NSA guy turned into a crook
What he took had to be as big as it could be
‘Cause he risked a lot to save a phony Clinton legacy

(They’re) watchin’ him and the funny things he’s doin’
He got up to go peein’ as he did awhile ago
The guard suspected somethin’ was a brewin’
And if his bladder’s gonna burst, his doctor oughta know

Then he shot out the door like a fullback a runnin’
There was nothin’ to stop ‘em from the place he had to get
He hid some docs underneath of a trailer
And when he started lyin’ he was never gonna quit

The hearings they’re holdin’ would be startin’ real quick
And the nickname Sandy Burglar was a name that’s gonna stick
A slap on Sandy’s wrist was all the justice we would see
He got away destroyin’ some important history

They’re watchin’ him and the funny things he’s doin’
He got up to go peein’ as he did awhile ago
The guard suspected somethin’ was a brewin’
And if his bladder’s gonna burst, his doctor oughta know

Then he shot out the door like a fullback a runnin’
There was nothin’ to stop ‘em from the place he had to get
He hid some docs underneath of a trailer
And when he started lyin’ he was never gonna quit

[doug from upland]

A few of my clients wanted to publicly thank you for giving me a heads up on the contest, which resulted in me having little time to work for them this week. :)

[doug from upland]

The PDF Berger Report --- http://republicans.oversight.house.gov/Media/PDFs/BergerReport010907.pdf

[doug from upland]

Mark Steyn submitted a few ---

The Steyn variations

Mark Steyn found it too much fun not to join in Bill Bennett's inspired "Sandy Berger Lies" contest that has contributed so much to my anger management therapy this week. Seth Leibsohn has kindly forwarded Mark's three submissions. Mark's first submission comes complete with directions for recording:

THE SANDY PANTS
(from the film Slick Willie Wonka And The Shop-Lift Factory)

Hey, everybody! Gather round, the Sandy Pants is here! What kind of archival material do you want? Classified documents? Confidential minutes? Intelligence briefings? Cables? You’ve come to the right place, because I’m the Sandy Pants!

(Ooooooo!)

Who can take the memo
Stuff it in his sock
Take it out the building
And then walk it up the block
The Sandy Pants (The Sandy Pants)
Oh, the Sandy Pants can (The Sandy Pants can)
The Sandy Pants can ‘cause he fixes it for Bill
And makes his boss look good (Makes his boss look good)

Who can take the secrets
Out the door at night
Slide them under trailers
On a dark construction site
The Sandy Pants (The Sandy Pants)
Oh, the Sandy Pants can (The Sandy Pants can)
The Sandy Pants can ‘cause he fixes it for Bill
And makes his boss look good (Makes his boss look good)

The Sandy Pants takes
Lots of bathroom breaks
But his status simply wows us
Suspicion Sandy ne’er arouses
Waddling out with lumpy trousers
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Who can hose the archives
Shrug off all the flak
Get the kid-glove treatment
And then get his clearance back
The Sandy Pants (The Sandy Pants)
Oh, the Sandy Pants can (The Sandy Pants can)

The Sandy Pants can ‘cause he fixes it for Bill
And makes his boss look good (Makes his boss look good)

[Instrumental break, and Sandy’s bathroom break]

The Sandy Pants packs
Secrets in his slacks
In his garter he will truss it
The media folks, they won’t discuss it
He will even stuff his gusset
Whoa, whoa, whoa

Who can swipe the records
From the archivists
So it looks like Clinton
Wasn’t soft on terrorists
The Sandy Pants (The Sandy Pants)
Oh, the Sandy Pants can (The Sandy Pants can)
The Sandy Pants can ‘cause he fixes it for Bill
And makes his boss look good (Makes his boss look good)
Yes, the Sandy Pants can ‘cause he fixes it for Bill
And makes his boss look good

[Groovy fade-out]

The Sandy Pants, the Sandy Pants, the Sandy Pants
Go take a chance in Sandy Pants, go take a chance
Don’t look askance – it’s hard to dance in Sandy Pants
The Sandy Pants, Memorandy Pants, the Sandy Pants...

Mark's second submission draws on the Great American Songbook, with an appropriate nod, if I am not mistaken, to Frank Sinatra:
I’VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SLACKS

I’ve Got You Under My Slacks
I’ve got you deep in the thighs of me
So deep in my thighs
You’re wat’ring the eyes of me
I’ve Got You Under My Slacks

I tried so hard to relax
I said to myself this report never will fit so well
But why should I try to desist from crimes I commit so well?
I’ve Got You Under My Slacks

I’ll sacrifice nothing much come what might
For the act of stuffing my shorts
‘Cept maybe the feeling that my pants are too tight
And a tickling next to my warts

Don’t I know Billy C says rifle the stacks
Use your men’s underwear
And people will wonder where
All the memos flew
And each time they do
I can stop them all in their tracks
‘Cause I’ve Got You Under My Slacks

Yeah, I dig you under my slacks
(Where does it hurt you, baby?)
Under my slacks!

Mark's third submission is "for ballad lovers everywhere." I think that probably means we're singing this to Bing Crosby's or Frank Sinatra's version of the song:
TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS

He may be weary
Sandy does get weary
Wearing the same shabby slacks
But when he’s weary
He goes back in and ransacks

Bill Clinton’s waiting
Just anticipating
Memos he needs from the stacks
When you’re without them
Try ol’ Sandy’s shabby slacks

It’s all so accidental
He has his socks and shorts
And a press that’s non-judgmental
If it winds up in the courts

You won’t regret it
Newsmen soon forget it
You’ve covered up Clinton’s tracks
And it’s all so easy
Try ol’ Sandy’s shabby slacks

I think I should note that these lyrics are Copyright © 2007 by Mark Steyn, All Rights Reserved.

[michigander]

Sandy Do Your Part

(To the song Closer To The Heart, by Rush)

And the men who held high places
Must steal papers to look smart
To mold a new reality
Sandy do your part
Sandy do your part

Documents at the archives
Will be the place to start
You have clearance through security
Sandy do your part
Sandy do your part

To stonewall the commission
The memos must depart
Visit the restroom copiously
Sandy do your part
Sandy do your part

Stuff them in your trousers
If they catch you let a fart
Cut them into small pieces
Sandy do your part
Sandy do your part
Sandy did his part

Steal The Page

(To the song Turn The Page by Bob Seger)

In an old secure facility
In Washington DC
You can pilfer secret papers
Just say you have to take a pee
You can stuff them in your trousers
Then walk your way right out the door

Cover up for your old boss
The way you always used to do
It's a long ongoing job
If you don't they'll get you too
And you don't feel much like dying
Foster and Brown were his friends too

Say...
Here I am, Bubba's boy again
There I am, covering the way
Here I go, break the law again
There I go, steal the page

Well you walk into the restroom
You don't really have to go
Glance down at the papers
You're just doing as you're told
Even though it may bother you
If you don't your head just might explode

You don't want them to hear you talk
So you cover up the phone
The papers are down your pants
Hope they can't hear what you say
You've got all the originals
The commission won't know a word they say

Say...
Here I am, Bubba's boy again
There I am, covering the way
Here I go, break the law again
There I go, steal the page

Out there in the parking lot
You made a clean getaway
Slip your way through the fence
Under a trailer they will stay
As you go back to your hotel room
You'll retrieve them the next day

Later the next evening
Pair of scissors in your hand
You see notes in the margins
Breaking the law of the land
You cut the papers into little shreds
Remembering what he said

Ah...
Here I am, Bubba's boy again
There I am, covering the way
Here I go, break the law again
There I go, steal the page

Here I am, Bubba's boy again
There I am, covering the way
Here I go, break the law again
There I go, There I go

[doug from upland]

Bill was looking for a Jon Kyl song. Here you go, Bill.

MIDI - 500 MILES AWAY FROM HOME
http://www.angelfire.com/fl/SOUNDCITY/mymidies.html

On the right is where he stands…in ’08 he’ll be the man
If you’re ready for a leader, his name is Kyl
It’s time for Kyl, it’s time for Kyl…his border fence will stretch for miles
We are tired of the RINOs, we want Jon Kyl

He knows what is at stake…the right moves he’s gonna make
If you’re ready for a leader, his name is Kyl
It’s time for Kyl, it’s time for Kyl…his border fence will stretch for miles
We are tired of the RINOs, we want Jon Kyl

His Job 1, you will see…is about security
If you’re ready for a leader, his name is Kyl
It’s time for Kyl, it’s time for Kyl…his border fence will stretch for miles
We are tired of the RINOs, we want Jon Kyl

It’s time for Kyl, it’s time for Kyl…his border fence will stretch for miles
We are tired of the RINOs, we want Jon Kyl

[doug from upland]

The Secret Sandy Risked His All For
http://www.cashill.com/twa800/secret_sandy_risked.htm ^


Posted on 01/18/2007 4:51:50 PM PST by LC HOGHEAD


The Secret Sandy Risked His All For

© Jack Cashill January 18, 2007 - WorldNetDaily.com

If not the most skillful of embezzlers, Samuel “Sandy” Berger is a far more formidable character than the media would have us believe. When he made his now storied sorties into the National Archives, he risked his career and his reputation in so doing, and he knew it. Rest assured, he would not have done so were the secrets to be preserved not worth the risk of pilfering them.

True to form, the major media refuse to even ask the most fundamental question: just what secrets would justify so much personal exposure. Having read the report on Berger by the House Committee on Government Oversight and Reform, I am more confident than ever that I know the answer.

As the House Report makes clear, Berger did not exactly welcome this assignment. This confirms my suspicions. The archivists told the House Committee, in fact, that Berger “indicated some disgust with the burden and responsibility of conducting the document review.”

Apparently, he did not have much choice in the matter. Former President Bill Clinton had, according to the report, “designated Berger as his representative to review NSC documents.” Berger was Clinton’s go-to inside guy.

In his first term, Clinton had hired this millionaire trade lawyer and lobbyist to be deputy national security advisor, not because of Berger’s foreign policy experience, which was negligible, but because of his political instincts, which were keen and reliable. Clinton entrusted Berger with some very sensitive assignments, particularly in relationship to China, and rewarded him for his trust with the job of National Security Advisor in his second term. This job does not require Senate confirmation. It is unlikely that Berger could have gotten any job that did.

As we now know, Berger made four trips to the National Archives. He did so presumably to refresh his memory before testifying first to the Graham-Goss Commission and then to the 9/11 Commission. Berger made his first visit in May 2002, his last in October 2003.

As we now know too, he stole and destroyed an incalculable number of documents during these four visits. “The full extent of Berger’s document removal,” reports the House Committee, “is not known and never can be known.”

As the House Report clarifies, “Archives staff would have no way to know” if any part of a given National Security Council (NSC) document was removed. Further, had Berger removed papers from a Staff Member Office File—these more loosely enumerated than the NSC documents—“It would be almost impossible for the Archives staff to know.”

Among his more flagrant acts of criminal mischief, Berger purloined some highly classified documents and stashed them “at a construction site where they could have been found by anyone.” This behavior does not exactly classify as “inadvertent,” the media’s original characterization of Berger’s motivation.

As the House Report also establishes, the FBI never questioned Berger about those first two visits nor submitted him to a polygraph about any of the visits as his plea deal required. The Department of Justice’s (DOJ) only source of information about possible theft during Berger’s first two visits was the man himself, and Berger has proved almost comically unreliable.

In fact, Berger has changed his story about the documents as often as his boss did about Monica, in both cases to adapt to the emerging evidence. Berger even refused to be interviewed by the House Committee, the one honest enterprise in the whole investigation.

We know too that on his first visit, according to Archives staff, “Berger was especially interested in White House terrorism advisor Richard Clarke’s personal office files.” Again, this confirms my suspicions. According to the Committee, “Had Berger seen ‘a smoking gun’ or other documents he did not want brought to an investigatory panel’s attention, he could have removed it on this visit.”

The much-discussed Millennium After Action Review was hardly the gun that smoked. In fact, the DOJ saw the Millennium Review as “beneficial to the Clinton administration” in that it made them look “engaged” in the war on terrorism.

The Millennium Review made the news only because it was the first document that Berger got caught swiping, then on his third visit. The benign nature of this review led the DOJ to conclude that Berger took the documents for his “personal convenience,” and the media predictably played right along.

To understand what that “smoking gun” might have been and how it involved Clarke and Berger, let us turn to the fateful summer of 1996. At that time Col. Buzz Patterson carried the "nuclear football" for President Clinton. Given his security clearance, Patterson was entrusted with any number of high security assignments. One morning in "late-summer,” Patterson was returning a daily intelligence update from the Oval Office to the National Security Council when he noticed the heading "Operation Bojinka."

As Patterson relates, "I keyed on a reference to a plot to use commercial airliners as weapons." As a pilot, he had a keen interest in the same. "I can state for a fact that this information was circulated within the U.S. intelligence community," Patterson writes, "and that in late 1996 the president was aware of it." The President’s hand written comments on the documents verified the same.

The Philippine police had uncovered plans for aerial assaults as early as January 1995 and shared those plans with the FBI almost immediately. The man responsible for those plans was Ramzi Yousef, the mastermind of the first World Trade Center bombing and very possibly an Iraqi contract agent. His accomplice was Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the mastermind of 9-11 and allegedly Yousef’s uncle.

Understandably, the 9-11 Commission was very concerned about who knew what when in regards to the use of planes as bombs. Bush National Security Adviser, Condoleezza Rice, was asked on her first real question: “Did you ever see or hear from the FBI, from the CIA, from any other intelligence agency, any memos or discussions or anything else between the time you got into office and 9-11 that talked about using planes as bombs?”

Rice said no. She was likely telling the truth. Clarke had acknowledged as much during his earlier testimony. He admitted that the "knowledge about al-Qaeda having thought of using aircraft as weapons" was relatively old, "five-years, six-years old." He asked that intelligence analysts "be forgiven for not thinking about it given the fact that they hadn't seen a lot in the five or six years intervening about it."

Before the summer Olympics of 1996, in fact, Clarke had warned security planners about the possibility of Islamic terrorists hijacking a 747 and flying it into Olympic Stadium. Two days before the start of those Olympics, on July 17, Saddam’s National Liberation day, with the U.S Navy on the highest state of alert since the Cuban missile crisis, TWA Flight 800 blew up inexplicably off the coast of Long Island.

The fact that the President was reviewing Bojinka plans soon after the destruction of TWA Flight 800 makes the versions of those plans with his hand written notes on them all the more critical. If found and revealed, they would, at the very least, acknowledge that the Clinton administration had a keen interest in the possible use of planes as bombs five years before September 11.

That interest obviously died, and Clarke served as chief assassin. Among other roles, it fell upon this Clinton sycophant to devise the “exit strategy” that transformed a seeming aeronautical assault on TWA Flight 800 into a “mechanical failure.” In his book Against All Enemies, he takes full credit for this bit of aviation alchemy.

Clarke was likely also responsible for getting the CIA and FBI to breach the storied “wall” and work together on the creation of the notorious “zoom-climb” animation. This animation showed a nose-less 747 rocketing vertically 3200 feet into space and confusing onlookers. The FBI used it to discredit all 270 of its eyewitnesses to an apparent missile strike.

The media swallowed the zoom-climb as uncritically as they had the “mechanical failure.” The New York Times did not bother to interview any of the 270 relevant eyewitnesses. Say what you will about former Timesman Jayson Blair, but he at least would have made one up.

Berger played a key role in the TWA Flight 800 sleight-of-mind as well. On the night of July 17, 1996, Berger was among the scores of staff summoned to the White House for an emergency meeting—a first for a domestic airplane crash. Col. Patterson was there as well but was kept fully out of the loop. When I asked Patterson if anyone was holed up in the family quarters with the president, he could tentatively identify only one person. And that person was Sandy Berger, then just the deputy national security advisor. Berger’s boss, the less “reliable” Tony Lake, was relegated to his own office.

A logical deduction from existing evidence is that Clarke put the “planes-as-bombs” talk on hold for the five or six years after the TWA Flight 800 disaster lest such talk evoke unanswered questions about that fateful crash. Berger’s task, I surmise, was to make sure all references to Bojinka, planes-as-bombs, and/or TWA Flight 800 were rooted from the Archives, especially any documents with hand-written notes that led back to co-conspirators Berger, Clarke, and Clinton.

On Friday April 1, 2005, the Department of Justice announced its embarrassingly lenient plea deal with Berger. The timing was more than fortuitous. On March 31, Terri Schiavo had died. On April 2, Pope John Paul II would die. DOJ could not have chosen a day better calculated to give a casually indifferent media an excuse for ignoring a bombshell of a story.

"It remains unclear," asked the Washington Post about the Berger story line as it existed in April 2005, "why he destroyed three versions of a document, but left two other versions intact."

As I responded at the time, the answer to this question was too obvious to ask–handwritten notes on a document make one version entirely more dangerous than an identical document without those notes.

The Wall Street Journal, among other media, did not take kindly to ruminations like mine above. I will flatter myself that its editors had me at least somewhere in mind when they opined on April 8, 2005, “Some people won't let a bad conspiracy theory go.”

The Journal continued in full hauteur, “We're referring to those who loudly assert that former NSC adviser Sandy Berger was trying to protect the Clinton Administration when he illegally removed copies of sensitive documents from the National Archives in late 2003.”

The Journal cited Chief of DOJ’s Public Integrity Section, Noel Hillman, who claimed that “no original documents were destroyed, and that the contents of all five at issue still exist and were made available to the 9/11 Commission.”

According to the Journal, the “confusion” stemmed from the “mistaken idea” that Berger destroyed handwritten notes by various Clinton Administration officials in the margins of these documents. This, said Hillman, was simply an "urban myth."

As we know now, the only urban myth in play was that presumed Republicans like Hillman were, as Berger claimed, trying “to assassinate his character to pursue their own ends.” In fact, they were covering for him. “Nothing was lost to the public or the process,” said Hillman of Berger’s theft in April 2005. This was transparently false.

The House Committee found the DOJ to be “unacceptably incurious” about investigating Berger’s time in the Archives, especially his first two visits. Although Hillman would publicly claim that Berger “did not have an intent to hide any of contents of the documents or conceal facts from the [9/11] commission,” Hillman had been told on at least four prior occasions that the opposite was true.

According to the House Report, “The 9/11 Commission was specifically interested in the office files of White House terrorism advisor Richard Clarke, and never was told that Berger had access to Clarke’s original office files on May 30, 2002, and July 18, 2003.”

If not exactly apologizing to us humble conspiracists, the Journal has at least admitted its error. Hillman was indeed dissembling, Journal editors acknowledged last week: “Mr. Berger was in a position to remove documents from Mr. Clarke's files, and thanks to lax security, breaches of protocol and undue deference on the part of Archives staff, we may never know whether Mr. Berger took documents other than the five he's admitted to removing.”

The media will assuredly “never know” for one good reason: they refuse to look. If they do, they will discover a rat’s nest of conspiracy that will make Watergate seem as consequential as a Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction.

Next week--why the Bush Justice Department felt compelled to suppress this, the great untold story of our time.

[littlehouse36]

Anyone hear the winner this morning? I forgot to listen!

Thx...

[doug from upland]

January 19, 2007
And the winner is....

In Bill Bennett's Morning in America "Sandy Berger Lies" song parody contest, the judges have selected a winner from the more than 1,000 deserving entries (not counting Mark Steyn's three, in a category by themselves). Bill's contest was a stroke of genius, unleashing an outpouring of creativity, of humor stoked by anger. I was honored to be tapped to serve as a judge -- I've always wanted to be a judge. And the winner is by Ron Allen:

Sandy Berger Can
(to the tune of "Secret Agent Man")

Bill and Hillary lookin' for a legacy
But the national archives held a vast conspiracy
They thought about a plan
Asking who would be their man
Who can we now trust to crack this quandary?

Sandy Berger can
Sandy Berger can
He can stuff that troubling history into his socks and pants

Now Bill and Hillary met with Sandy Berger.
They talked about the plan...now it’s not murder.
They gave him all he'd need.
They thought he could succeed.
It simple, just go in and get those files.

Sandy Berger can
Sandy Berger can
He’ll stuff those troubling files into his socks and pants.

The day had come and it was time to do it.
If he is caught the press can misconstrue it.
It’s not that big a deal, it had a presidential seal.
And he said he’s sorry so that ends it.

Sandy Berger can
Sandy Berger can
He’ll get us eight more years
So we can implement our plan
Congratulations to Ron and all the many deserving contestants. I will be posting some of the runner-ups (or is it runners-up?) over the weekend. I think Ron's terrific performance may have have put him over the top with the contest judges. John Hinderaker will be posting the MP3 presently. Ladies and gentlemen, listen up!