Shallow Men And The Women Who Suffer (The Male Lust For The Supermodel Perfect Mate Alert)

Jerusalem Post ^ | Rabbi Shmueley Boteach

[goldstategop]

The miracle of Purim owes much to a superficial, womanizing male who set about dating as many women as possible to find the one that was the most beautiful. Ahasuerus is like so many shallow men today who reduce women to nothing but a slim figure and a pretty face. But in the end, the story of Esther makes it clear that the secretly Jewish queen was chosen not for her looks, but because she "found grace and favor" in the eyes of all who beheld her. There was a womanly dignity, a sublime feminine majesty, to Esther that the rest of the harem lacked. They were empty suits, packaging only, without substance or personality. They were the kind of women who attract attention with low-cut blouses rather than high intelligence, short skirts rather than a lofty spirit. But Esther is a woman possessed both of outer and inner beauty, a heroine who exhibits uncommon wisdom, courage and dedication to the helpless. In short, she is a woman of outstanding character and her story is that of the triumph not only of the Jews over their enemies, but also of a woman's ability to win over a man with her brains rather than her bust.

How tragic, therefore, that Jewish men today have adopted the dating mores of Ahasuerus. And I'm not just talking about secular Jewish men whom we might expect to have adopted less lofty criteria in their choice of a mate. Rather, I am speaking especially of Orthodox Jewish men who have become so obsessed with the three modern virtues of a real woman - large chest, long legs, slim figure - that heart, mind, even the sparkle of her eyes, count for almost nothing.

I once served as matchmaker-in-chief for JDate. But I now find matchmaking nauseating thanks to the dispiriting superficiality of today's Jewish men. I now know that the countless men who tell me how desperate they are to find a really nice girl are lying through their teeth because what they really mean is a woman who looks like a model. At my weekly Sabbath table, where I host many singles, I watch as the men immediately dismiss even the most interesting women with the warmest hearts if they lack a bombshell body.

If she's short, she's out, and if she's overweight, well, that's the kiss of death. I'll set up men with women who I know to be attractive and charming, only to have the guy call me back the next day and complain of a lack of chemistry, by which he always means, "She wasn't pretty enough." The poor woman never had a chance. Before she opened her mouth, her body did her in.

BUT WHY would we expect anything different? Superficial people seek superficial qualities, and men today are about as deep as a crack in the sidewalk. They have been given one criterion for success, money, and they use that money as a commodity to purchase a woman's chief commodity, her physical beauty. Today's religious men are trained to appreciate little else.

I know a 20-year-old Jewish girl who developed a dangerous eating disorder because her very religious parents told her that unless she lost weight the type of yeshiva student they wanted her to marry would not take her out.

But weren't Jewish men, especially Orthodox ones, supposed to be different? The nation that gave the world's Solomon's Ode to a Woman of Valor, where a woman's God-fearing qualities are what make her beautiful, have betrayed that ideal utterly. If you are a woman in the Jewish singles scene who isn't stunningly attractive, you're going to wait a long time to get married. And once you're married, you better keep your looks up, because the women who are going to be praying with you in the ladies' section spend five hours in the gym for every hour they spend in the synagogue. They're not fools. They know that their husbands are trained to appreciate muscle tone rather than piety. And don't have more than two children, even though we need as many Jewish babies as possible, because kids will make your figure go to hell and your breasts droop almost as far.

NEVER believed that I would witness a time when even marriage-minded, Orthodox men would become womanizers, giving themselves the latitude to date as many women as possible so that they can find "the best." In yeshiva I was taught one did not date a woman the way one shopped for a car. Rather, you focused on one woman completely and tried to develop a soulful connection with her without worrying about what else might be out there.

Recently, I had a young rabbinical student of marriageable age at my home. He told me he had already dated 40 girls and had not found what he was looking for. I was stunned. "Forty nice, religious girls, and not one of them was good enough for you?"

But anyone familiar with the increasingly toxic shidduch system among the ultra-Orthodox knows that what many young men are looking for is anathema to Jewish values, namely, looks, money and pedigree. Find all three and you have hit the jackpot. Find only one, or even two, and you have "to settle."

Now, no doubt, in the secular world marrying money and marrying into an important family are also important. But when religious Jews marry for materialistic and ego-driven values, they degrade a glorious spiritual tradition.

It is high time that rabbis started giving sermons from the pulpit exhorting single men in the congregation to be gentlemen and reward women for developing the traits that Judaism truly values like compassion, wisdom and goodness. While physical attraction is always important in marriage - both for men and for women - Jewish leaders must begin inspiring future husbands to judge their wives' attractiveness by considerations beyond flesh alone. For if we fail, we'll continue seeing Jewish women feeling permanently insecure about their "imperfect bodies" rather than taking pride in their generous spirits.

[Gondring]

>>Ann Coulter is a devout Roman Catholic.

>So that is why she has such good looking knees.

Or perhaps from dating the Muslim guy (or would that have led to rugburns toward Mecca?)...
...or Bob Guccione Jr.? ;-)

[Havoc]

Seems to me men and women are individuals with individual tastes. Each person has an idea of what looks good to them - what is acceptable. There are realistic and unrealistic expectations. I don't find it unrealistic that I look for a mate that doesn't weigh 5x what I do. I don't find it unrealistic to want a mate that is in relatively fit shape rather than fat shape. I don't shop for supermodels. I shop for someone that I can stand to look at given that I will be looking at them till I die more than likely. But, I also look at religious belief, personality and whether they have a job.
What kind of job, how much money, and "pedigree" don't enter the picture unless on moral terms.. I don't particularly care to be involved with dancers or hookers.. call me old fashioned..

When half of society has no moral foundation they will respect enough to constrain themselves to, the expectation for themselves is the basement. Go figure..

[Gondring]

Not saying what's correct, but I also see these comments...

"I am a WASP" -- Ann Coulter in The New York Observer

"Asked if she is a fundamentalist Christian, Coulter told interviewer David Bowman, "I don't think I've described myself that way, but only because I'm from Connecticut. We just won't call ourselves that" (2003)." -- Wikipedia entry cited above.

[A CA Guy]

She was trying to convert him to Christianity I am sure, but when he kept making constant referenced to how lovely her neck looked while holding his dinner knife, I think she figured it was time to leave that relationship.

[CaliGirlGodHelpMe]

""Supermodels" are often quite grotty...."

Yes, having worked in the fashion industry some years ago, I can tell you from first hand knowledge that many models are so scrawny and plain that if you passed them on the street you wouldn't give them a second glance, except maybe out of pity. But with the makeup, lighting, clothes and airbrushing, they become goddesses. If a man is silly enough to want that, good luck to him.

But I really think most men want a woman with heart and goodness - things haven't gotten as bad as this article portrays, imho.

[shaggy eel]

And better than the heifers you have in Macomb County, Dearborn, and Westland. ;-)

,,, can you post some shots of those so we can weigh it all up?

[Smokin' Joe]

I have known some beautiful women in my time, but the only one I considered breathtakingly so, I met in college.

She was a true classical beauty, on the scale of Helen of Troy. Unfortunately, she was leered at by student and professor alike, one of whom I could have slapped because he was so open about it. (and I sat next to her in that class).

She transferred out pretty fast. She really needed a friend, instead of a pack of horndogs yapping after her.

She made other good looking women look plain next to her, so she didn't have any female friends, and I have no doubt guys were hard to trust. Tragic, really. No wonder a lot of naturally beautiful women are messed up. (also why the decent, nerdy guys often get the pretty ones, too.)

Personality counts for a lot, looks are in the middle somewhere. A "plain" woman with a nice personality and a pretty smile wins a lot of points, but she above all has to be genuine, not some put-on act.

All in all, beauty is more than skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

[TomSmedley]

I should have known that to a gorgeous, but flighty whore was doomed when I learned that my "prize" was her "penance."

[TomSmedley]

Let's face it, guys are hardwired to want one thing in a mate: LOOKS. And women are hardwired to want one thing too: STATUS. If that's the case...both my wife and I are... LOSERS!

Ditto. In my (limited) experience, a terrific sex life goes with marriage, kindness, and faithfulness. Monagamus fundamentalists are statistically like to enjoy sex more, and more frequently. And, at some blessed extremes of the spectrum, sizzling, stunning sensuality might come packaged, like porn, in a plain wrapper.

[elcid1970]

"My Little Pony Glue Factory"

That's sick!!

[television is just wrong]

HMMM, I think she is, but what does that matter???

[elcid1970]

I forgot to add:

(Heh, heh!) ;^)

[LaineyDee]

There are guys who marry for looks. I think they're fools.

I honestly think they're deceived into thinking that these beautiful women are going to settle into motherhood and domestication. By 35 to 40... when most men start developing the "paunch".....these beauties start looking elsewhere to satisfy their own quest of the "perfect man". Shallow is....as shallow does.

[LaineyDee]

My generation craves hairless, tanned, toned, smooth men who get manicures and smell nice, and who won't argue with the women in their life

LOL! You forgot... lots of credit cards and the money to back it up! :)

Personally, I find most metrosexual males a bit lacking in substance... emotionally, mentally and spiritually.......for which no amount of money they have.... can replace. Of course....I probably came from the wrong generation. :)

[chief_bigfoot]

"I actually prefer women who are attractive, yet not supermodel material."

I was thinking about this subject the other day. My line of thought was that women are like cars.

You have your exotic sports cars, fast, great to look at, handle like nothing else, and make your heart pound. But, the more exotic they are, the higher the maintenence and up keep is, and forget about fixing it yourself. They are good for a fun ride, but not much else.

On the other side of the scale you have your pickup trucks and SUVs. Usually bigger than a sports car, but they are still nice to look at if they're kept clean and maintained. They are very useful, dependable, and could and would do most anything that you asked of them. They aren't to complicated or expensive to buy parts for, and if you wanted to you could fix most anything that went wrong with them yourself.

I'd hazard to guess that the odds of keeping the pickup for a long time are much better than keeping a sports car for that long. Especially when the newer, sleeker, faster, and sexier model comes out next year.

You can't deny my analogy, especially when you consider how many supermodels/sports cars there are compared to the number of pickups/good hearted everyday women there are.

Before you light me up for such a chauvinistic theory and being so shallow, let me say this. It's a guy thing. It's how we view things and I'm not going to apologize for thousands of years of genetic refinement.

[beyond the sea]

Very nice, but I can't tell you how silly a woman looks to me in a bathing suit (or whatever that get-up is) and spiked heels on her feet.

Take the shoes off and you have a picture.

;-)

[Caipirabob]

Yo soy, tambien...

Mi esposa at Vizcaya one great afternoon recently. She's an angel in temperment. In college I dated a girl who was half Jewish/half Italian for years. Had a mouth on her that could peel paint from a wall with the explicatives that came out of it. Brilliant woman, I loved to hang out with her. Tons of energy, but prone to tantrums of an unbelievable nature later on when we got closer. When I graduated, I moved 1,000 miles away from where she lived. The Latinas down here seemed downright passive after that experience - lol!

[beyond the sea]

"I don't know about the good looking knees, but, she is a pretty woman. Kind of on the thin side, but, nevertheless, educated in Constitutional law, a lawyer, conservative, and on our side. She's a good writer. I love the gal! She puts it to the DemoRats. What else can we ask for?"

"Ask for" --- Ask her to eat a couple of bacon cheeseburger every day for six months........ and swim some laps every morning for a year.

I love Annie's writing, but she's so thin she looks like a death camp prisoner.

[Jim Noble]

There are guys who marry for looks. I think they're fools

Fools doesn't begin to describe it.

I would say they're f***ed - and not in the way they imagine.

[Jim Noble]

the entire gay culture is popular because women like it that way

That is exactly correct.

Well, I mean, they like it (the gay culture).

They don't like it that way, most of 'em.