SMART SINGLE WOMEN DESPAIR OF EVER FINDING TRUE LOVE (Dear Abby, reference to Maureen Dowd)

www.uexpress.com ^ | December 22, 2005 | Abigail Van Buren

[Sonny M]

DEAR ABBY: Several of my friends and I were bemoaning our status as single women in our late 20s/early 30s, and discussing an article we had read in The New York Times about how smart women are less likely to get married. We'd all like to find Mr. Wonderful and be married. But if we have to curtail our professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ to do it, how can a person even begin to do such a thing?

I have a feeling you'll say to be ourselves and it will all work out, but thus far it has NOT worked out, and we're starting to worry. Personally, I think we'd be better off to take jobs as "administrators" in a large company somewhere and hope for the best.

Help, Abby! What's the answer for smart, fun women who have their acts together? How can we best poise ourselves to find true love while being true to ourselves? -- LOSING FAITH IN FINDING MR. RIGHT

DEAR LOSING FAITH: The truth is, there are no guarantees that ANYONE (male or female) will land a mate. It isn't easy these days because people are commitment-phobic. And this applies to individuals at all economic and educational levels, not just you at the top. Pairing off is often a matter of luck and timing -- being in the right place at the right time.

Eligible members of both sexes can be found in places of common interest -- places that are intellectually rewarding, culturally stimulating, athletically challenging or financially advantageous. As to whether you should downgrade your job level in order to appear less "threatening," I guarantee that if you don't take financial care of yourselves while you can, you will regret it later. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you could fool some of the bachelors some of the time, but you couldn't fool all of them all of the time.

There are worse things than not finding Prince Charming, and one of them is spending your life pretending to be something you're not. So my advice is to stop reading defeatist newspaper and magazine articles. They'll only make you desperate, clingy and depressed -- and none of those traits is attractive to either sex.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently had a baby. We chose a mature, Christian couple to be our child's godparents. However, my brother-in-law is infuriated over the fact that he's not the godparent. He has disowned my husband and wants nothing to do with us. Behavior such as this in the past is part of the reason he wasn't chosen. However, I need to know this: Did we have an obligation to choose him as a godparent? How should we handle his immaturity and controlling behavior? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN OHIO

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: A godparent can either be a relative or a close friend, and you were not obligated to choose one over the other. Your brother-in-law may be hurt that he wasn't chosen, but his subsequent behavior has been so childish that it's apparent you made the right decision. The way to handle his immature and controlling behavior is to forgive him for it, and go on with your lives.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Birthday, baby brother! I hope you're enjoying your special day.

[ladyjane]

if all these women are so smart, why aren't they mopping up all the Nobel Prizes

You are familiar, aren't you, with the woman who first photographed the double helix? Her work was 'appropriated' by Crick and the other guy and they hid the fact. She was never mentioned in their papers. They got the prize. She didn't get a mention.

[Graymatter]

Short of brain trauma one cannot curtail one's IQ - it will still show through, just as one could not become shorter without amputating

I can't agree with that. In my experience, there is no telltale odor to a very high IQ. Most men do not take much notice of IQ, and even those who do, don't notice if you tie back 50 points. They don't, for example, detect the difference between a 120 and a 170. Past 120 or so, none of the IQ points are social anyway. (If you doubt it, go to a Mensa meeting and hear them rattle about salaries and recipes and sex.)

[Tin Cup]

It simply a numbers game. Men are willing to marry someone down the social ladder. Women (generally) are not.

[trubluolyguy]

Several of my friends and I were bemoaning our status as single women in our late 20s/early 30s, and discussing an article we had read in The New York Times about how smart women are less likely to get married.

---

It's not that no one wants you lady, it's that men want a woman who has time for them and the kids. If you are not her, we'll find someone else.

[Centurion2000]

that women who are intelligent are not able to get married because men are intimidated.

Men aren't intimidated, they just aren't going to put up with the b*tch's attitude.

[Alberta's Child]

Good point. Maureen Dowd mistakenly assumes that "accomplished" is synonymous with "intelligent." That may be the case in most industries, but in the modern media I'd suggest there is almost no correlation between someone's intelligence and their success in the field.

[Publius6961]

Better to be single and happy than desperately married and miserable.

OK, then, seriously.
Whether marriage is at the top or the bottom of your checklist, it is doomed to fail unless before marriage enters your mind you can honestly and independently realize that this person could be a permanent "best friend".

This usually, but not always, requires more investment in time and patience than most people are willing to invest. Many spend more time choosing a houseplant!

[bella1]

Or he has plenty of girlfriends willing to "put out". There is another old saying that I think answers the letter writer's question.... "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free".

[p. henry]

I haven't met the woman (or man) who can intimidate me intellectually. Impress yes, intimidate no.

[Go Gordon]

But if we have to curtail our professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ to do it, how can a person even begin to do such a thing?

Dye your hair blonde?

[RosieCotton]

LOL!

But what about smart natural blondes? Are we doomed?

[conejo99]

Generally speaking, a married couple adopts the social status of the man. It makes sense for a man to marry "down" the social status ladder, but it makes less sense for a woman to do so. Therefor their are fewer available men for the high social status women.

[trubluolyguy]

(Also, studies have shown that intelligent women have sex more often and enjoy it more. WOOHOOO! :^)

---

And who was it that, ahem....performed those studies?

[Enterprise]

" They'd probably try to tell God what to do."

LOL - "Hey God, I want a man dammit, and I want him NOW!"

[Digger]

I have a 24 year old son who would love to find a smart conservative woman. Unfortunately, all he can find are liberals who think they're smart but aren't, don't know how to dress or act and drink too much. He's got a few more years before thinking about marrying so I'm hoping some of them will grow up by then.

Same for my son who soon will be 22. Add to that the women are sooo possessive. The last 6 months he has been going out with the boys & having much more fun than some women pushing him in their direcion.

[Blood of Tyrants]

Why, me, of course!

[GermanBusiness]

[I hear complaints from many younger men that ladies 35yrs and under....are way too into themselves]

That depends on whether you are in a Red State or Blue State...in an eastern European country or a western European country. Leftism is at the heart of feminism. It infects liberals the most. It also infects California Republican women (in the Bay Area) far too much.

Southern American women rock (as opposed to South American women who are often Marxist). Eastern European women rock. They are solidly conservative, love George Bush, love what the US Marines are doing for freedom and, no, I am not talking about the whores among them who would say and think the way you want them to, but the strict Catholics and Eastern Orthodox church goers.

I saw a liberal American man in Romania two years ago as he felt he could seduce a gorgeous young woman by trash-talking George Bush. The young woman stood up and said to him: "I am sorry. George Bush's father liberated me and my family. If you cannot even love your own country, why should I learn to care about you." Young eastern European women are not for sale when it comes to liberal western males. They know that liberals wanted the Soviet communists to remain in power and they want no part of liberals.

I remember thinking that a six foot tall 19 year old blonde in Moscow was too young for me to ask out last year. So I asked "what do you think of the war in Iraq?". She answered "We are in World War Four. We have no choice but to keep on the offensive. Iraq seemed to be a great place to find lots of bad guys to shoot."

I felt like kneeling before the young woman and saying "I am not worthy."

Too young? Or too perfect? That kind of response is what 99% of New York City single women should be making to such a simple question. This is a NON-NEGOTIABLE minimum requirement (as is non-smoking status with me). Supporting the troops and understanding current events is the way a woman gets a date with the average successful businessman (80% of whom are pro-Bush).

Because men marry the conservative women faster, older single women are, by definition, less likely to be open minded regarding conservatism...the odds get very bad as you reach those who were old enough to have fantasized about Clinton. Their continued loyalty to Clinton makes them unavailable to us males. No problem. I am sure Clinton can oblige them all someday.

[dsc]

"but I don't think you'll find it's women who are overly focused on perfect looks"

It's true that men are more visually oriented than women, but at the same time, women put a lot more emphasis on looks than they admit.

[najida]

OK, then, seriously.
Whether marriage is at the top or the bottom of your checklist, it is doomed to fail unless before marriage enters your mind you can honestly and independently realize that this person could be a permanent "best friend".

This usually, but not always, requires more investment in time and patience than most people are willing to invest. Many spend more time choosing a houseplant!

Exactly! And in those who've been married before (widowed or divorced) it literally is like they are trying to replace a missing appliance. With custom kitchen delivery today! Just a few basic 'we get alongs' and I've seen marriage considered a given.

Like you, I want to be and I want a permanent best friend.

[Gaffer]

You're right...the one's the men don't want to hook up are the kind of women that should be wearing the T-shirt that says "I can go from Zero to Bitch in 0.6 seconds!"