Posted on 11/24/2005 6:04:43 AM PST by Gordon Pym
When I opened the turkey there was no instruction book
Daughter tried leaving in the "season" packet the first time she tried frying. We took it out for her after it boiled the oil over.
This sounds series.
Tips for not hosting Thanksgiving dinner next year
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov. 15, 1998.)
So this year, you agreed to host the big family Thanksgiving dinner. Congratulations! You moron!
No, seriously, hosting Thanksgiving dinner does NOT have to be traumatic. The key is planning. For example, every year my family spends Thanksgiving at the home of a friend named Arlene Reidy, who prepares dinner for a huge number of people. I can't give an exact figure, because my eyeballs become fogged with gravy. But I'm pretty sure that Arlene is feeding several branches of the armed forces.
And Arlene is not slapping just any old food on the table, either. She's a gourmet cook who can make anything. I bet she has a recipe for cold fusion.
She serves moist, tender turkeys the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger, accompanied by a vast array of exotic hors d'oeuvres and 350 kinds of sweet potatoes made from scratch. I'm pretty sure Arlene threshes her own wheat. If you were to look into Arlene's dining room at the end of Thanksgiving dinner, it would at first appear to be empty. Then you'd hear groans and burps coming from under the table, and you'd realize that the guests, no longer able to cope with the food and gravity at the same time, were lying on the floor. Every now and then you'd see a hand snake up over the edge of the table, grab a handful of stuffing, then dart back under the table again, after which you'd hear chewing, then swallowing, then the sound of digestive organs rupturing. Some guests have to be rushed by ambulance to the hospital, receiving pumpkin pie intravenously en route.
The question is: How is Arlene able to prepare such an amazing feast for so many people? The answer is simple: I have no idea. I'm always watching football when it happens. But my point is that, if you want to provide your Thanksgiving guests with a delicious home-cooked meal, one approach would be to go to Arlene's house and steal some of her food when she's busy churning the butter. She'd never notice. She has enough leftovers to make turkey sandwiches for everybody in Belgium.
If you prefer to do your own cooking this Thanksgiving, your first step is to calculate how much turkey you need. Home economists tell us that the average 155-pound person consumes 1.5 pounds of turkey, so if you're planning to have 14 relatives for dinner, you'd simply multiply 14 times 1.5 times 155, which means your turkey should weigh, let's see, carry the two ... 3,255 pounds. If you can't find a turkey that size, you should call up selected relatives and explain to them, in a sensitive and diplomatic manner, that they can't come because they weigh too much.
In selecting a turkey, remember that the fresher it is, the better it will taste. That's why, if you go into the kitchen of top professional homemaker Martha Stewart on Thanksgiving morning, you'll find her whacking a live turkey with a hatchet. In fact, you'll find Martha doing this every morning.
''It just relaxes me,'' she reports.
Your other option is to get a frozen turkey at the supermarket. The Turkey Manufacturers Association recommends that, before you purchase a frozen bird, you check it for firmness by test-dropping it on the supermarket floor -- it should bounce three vertical inches per pound -- and then take a core sample of the breast by drilling into it with a ]-inch masonry bit until you strike the giblets. If supermarket employees attempt to question you, the Turkey Manufacturers Association recommends that you ``gesture at them with the drill in a reassuring manner.''
When you get the turkey home, you should thaw it completely by letting it sit on a standard kitchen counter at room temperature for one half of the turkey's weight in hours, or roughly 19 weeks. ''If you see spiders nesting in your turkey,'' states the Turkey Manufacturers Association, ``you waited too long.''
Once the turkey is defrosted, you simply cook it in a standard household oven at 138.4 degrees centimeter for 27 minutes per pound (29 minutes for married taxpayers filing jointly). Add four minutes for each 100 feet of your home's elevation above sea level, which you should determine using a standard household sextant. Inspect the turkey regularly as it cooks; when you notice that the skin has started to blister, the time has come for you to give your guests the message they've been eagerly awaiting: ``Run!''
Because you left the plastic wrapper on the turkey, and it's about to explode, spewing out flaming salmonella units at the speed of sound. As you stand outside waiting for the fire trucks, you should take a moment to count your blessings. The main one, of course, is that you will definitely NOT be asked to host the big family Thanksgiving dinner next year. But it's also important to remember -- as our Pilgrim foreparents remembered on the very first Thanksgiving -- that two excellent names for rock bands would be ''The Turkey Spiders'' and ``The Flaming Salmonella Units.''
Thaw the turkey, put it in a turkey bag and cook in an oven set to the directed temperature for a time based on the weight of the turkey. The weight can be determined from the tag in the garbage can.
All else is sohpistry.
Are you logged on?
Save yourself the trouble and go to your local Golden Coral. And no dirty dishes afterwards.
Don't take this too seriously. I just needed some levity this morning.
Tom is in the oven.
but..
Was I supposed to take the feathers off?
LOL! Make sure that the bird is defrosted.
Rinse the turkey inside and out. Make sure to take the bag out of the cavity.
Heat the oven to 325.
Rub cooking oil on the outside of the bird. Then salt and pepper the inside and out of the turkey. (you could add other seasonings-- that's a personal thing. I use thyme, but you may not like that)
Place in a deep roasting pan.
If you have chicken broth handy, put some in the bottom of the pan so that the turkey will not dry out. If not, don't worry about it.
Cover the roast with foil.
Roast at 20 minutes per pound. In the last hour, take off the foil to brown the bird.
Make sure that you have roasted it long enough. You really do need a meat thermometer.
Once it's done, take it out of the oven and let it cool for at least 20 minutes before you carve it. 30 minutes is ideal.
Or else you can call the butterball hotline. :-)
Good luck!
Just ask him exactly where communism has seceded. He will be steamed in no time.
They too can make the finals of AMFVs.
-Happy Thanksgiving-
I saw that too! The next day I saw an article in the paper about how turduckin is getting to be the latest craze. It does look good.
There's always a packet of giblets which HAS to be removed, and there's always a neck stuck in their someplace, but that's about it.
Where do you buy your turkey? Is the packet full of cajun spices?
Leni
If it is not too late, buy one already cooked. No one will be able to tell the difference unless you tell them, whereupon, they will pretend they can tell the difference (yeah, right, after several drinks and dips) and will tell you so (to make you feel bad).
Feathers are optional but you were supposed to chop off his head first. Now you are going to get pecked every time you open the oven to check on him. :')
And a Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
I just saw that show last night...it looked so good
I'm not sure if you're just playing around. If you really need some instructions, try these below:
LAST MINUTE TURKEY TIPS
BY Chef Eric
Did you know that the Turkey was so revered by Benjamin Franklin that he made a strong case to place it as our national bird of the United States? Can you imagine if we all had turkeys on our dollar bills?
A 15 pound turkey feeds about 10 people with a bit leftover for sandwiches the next day; (try your sandwich with stuffing and cranberry mayo). A 15 pound turkey will hold about 7 cups of stuffing
Fresh all natural Turkey’s are best but if you have a frozen one Thaw your turkey in the fridge for about 5 hours per pound or in cold water for about 1 hour per pound (make sure to change your water a few times). If you do nothing else right, make sure you get the darn thing defrosted in time!! I'm speaking from experience.
To prepare your turkey, remove giblets and neck. Rinse turkey inside and out. Dry the skin and cavity well. Fill neck and body with stuffing and pin closed with a skewer (if you have one. I always liked the stuffing roasted in a pan instead of stuffed in the bird). Or you can make both.
If you're the stove top stuffing type, cut some onions and garlic in half, sprinkle with salt, pepper and thyme (or use fresh thyme sprigs) and stuff the turkey with that just to add a bit of flavor (and make yourself feel like you've actually put some effort into the bird).
Place on a rack in a roaster and rub with butter or extra virgin olive oil (1/4 to ½ cup). Sprinkle on poultry seasoning or thyme and salt and pepper. I like to put Carrots, Onion and celery in the bottom of my roasting pan because I use that to make my sauce or (Gravy for the home cook).Use a ratio of 50%onions, 25%celery and 25%carrot; that will give your Jus or cooking liquid a nice flavor.
Cover with roaster lid (if it’s big enough) or make a tinfoil lid. Roast in a preheated 325 degree F oven for about 4 hours. Baste every ½ hour or so if you're the basting type. If you have a bigger turkey (mature hen) larger than 15 #’s you can figure 1 hour cook time for every 4#’s over 15. The professional way to tell when your turkey is done is with a food thermometer. You want 180 degree reading in the thigh with out hitting any bones. You’re turkey will come out juicy and close to perfection…..
Remove the lid (foil) and roast for another hour or until it’s a nice color. Let it stand on a platter for about 15 minutes before you carve.
Enjoy a wonderful meal and remember who makes this all possible!!!!!!!!!
2 Corinthians 9:15 Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!
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