Posted on 11/01/2005 6:50:26 AM PST by Phantom Lord
From Neal Boortz's "Redneck Scrapbook" today...
25 ways to tell if you're a Redneck
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.
24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You might be a redneck if both your house and your pick up truck are on blocks!
Your dad walks you to school, cause your in the same grade.
If your net worth is in direct proportion to the number of junk cars in your front yard...you might be a redneck.
If you think the actual last words are "Play Ball!", what does it make you?
Your grandma gets her cough medicine at the liquor store.
(my hand is raised)
You go to family reunions to meet girls.
You go to family reunions to meet girls.
***
You go to the local VD clinic to pick up girls.
If you can repair anything in your house, your car, or your boat from spares found in your backyard... You might be a redneck.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA...too funny
If when you mow your lawn, you find a car...you might be a redneck.
LOL!
If you've been ordered to attend sensitivity classes for referring to your 65 year old husband as a "retard engineer"...you might be a redneck.
Nah....Boortz is okay. Opinionated, but okay. Now if Teddy Kennedy or Chuckie Schumer told these jokes, I'd be majorly po'd.
Bye, gotta go find bubba. I can't remember if I get to wipe on odd or even sheets and I got this potty ring going on. He's gonna have a hissy fit if I use his sheets.
When war is upon us, we are not cowering under our trailers, we are first in line, always.
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