Post Orfice: 
Posted on 05/08/2005 6:42:55 AM PDT by nuconvert
Mr. Language Person: True Quotations
By DAVE BARRY
>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Dec. 13, 1992.)
It's time once again for ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the only language column that is endorsed by both the American Association of English Professors AND Cher. This column presents answers to common reader questions about grammar, vocabulary, punctualization, and, when they are in season, metaphors. These questions are not ''made up.'' They are authentic re-enactments of actual questions taken from police files.
Q: What is the correct grammatical usage of ``being as how''?
A: This is an adenoidal phrase that is used when a person needs to explain a decision regarding an issue such as sandwich allocation.
EXAMPLE: ``Earl gets the egg salad, being as how he dropped it in the bait.''
Q: Please tell me which is correct: ''Bud, you should never of fed them taffies to the dog,'' or ``Bud, you never should of fed them taffies to the dog.''
A: According to Strunk & White, it depends on the context.
Q: The context was a brand-new Barcalounger.
A: Whoa.
Q: I am thinking of seeking a high-paying job and would like to develop a Power Vocabulary. What do you suggest?
A: The Academy of Big Words recommends that, in business situations, you should, whenever possible, use the words ''erstwhile'' and ''penultimate,'' as follows:
YOU: Mr. Johnson, that there is a erstwhile tie you got on.
MR. JOHNSON: You're hired.
YOU: Another big word I know is penultimate.
Q: What is the actual name of a weatherperson on CNN?
A: ``Flip Spiceland.''
Q: Please repeat what you heard a woman say recently to the cashier at a gas station.
A: She said: ``Do you have any of those cheap genetic cigarettes?''
Q: Speaking of true quotations, please repeat the statement that Sonda Ward of Nashville, Tenn., swears she heard made by a man expressing concern to a woman who had been unable to get a ride to a church function.
A: He said: ``Estelle, if I'd a knowed you'd a want to went, I'd a seed you'd a got to get to go.''
Q: What tense is that, grammatically?
A: That is your pluperfect consumptive.
Q: I notice that football announcers are always talking about how So-and-So is ''the most underrated left tackle in football,'' and So-and-So is ''the most underrated substitute left outside nickel-defense cornerbacker in the Central Division.'' My question is, who underrates these people?
A: This is done by computers.
Q: Yes, but what kind of name is ``So-and-So?''
A: Genetic.
Q: According to alert reader Mary Ann van Hartesveldt, what was the exact wording on a sign she saw outside the Ridgecrest Baptist Church in Opelika, Ala.?
A: It was: ARE YOU READY TO MEET JESUS? Bar-B-Q Saturday, March 16, 2 p.m.
Q: My question concerns the musical group Archie Bell and the Drells, who performed the 1968 hit Do the Tighten Up. When group members get asked what they do for a living, do they answer, ''I'm a Drell?'' Do their business cards say:
JOHN SMITH
Drell
Do they have career aspirations? Do they say, ''Well, sure, today I'm a Drell, but if I do well on my exams, I hope to become a Pip, or even a Famous Flame''? Also, if you're introducing somebody to one of the Four Seasons, do you just say, ''This is Leonard; he's a Season?'' Also, whatever happened to The Swingin' Medallions, who sang the 1966 hit, Double Shot (of My Baby's Love)?
A: They are available. Give them a call.
Q: What is the purpose of the semicolon?
A: It can be used to either (1) separate two independent clauses, or (2) indicate an insect attack.
EXAMPLES:
(1) ''Well, I'm a clause that certainly doesn't need any help!''; ``Me either!''
(2) ``Be careful not to bump into that ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
AIEEEEEEE!''
Q: Please explain correct usage of the expression ``by and large.''
A: It is used as follows:
-- ``Earline, I swear on my mother's grave that I never, ever cheated on you, by and large.''
-- ``Read my lips, by and large.''
TIP FOR PROFESSIONAL WRITERS: In writing a novel, be sure to include Character Development.
WRONG: ``Brad gazed into Marsha's eyes.''
RIGHT: ``Brad gazed into Marsha's eyes and noticed that she now had three of them.''
GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON? It is best not to tell anyone.
Oh, like I'm fer sher
Which I don't have a clue.
The punctualization of Dave Barry.
One of my favorites: "As I say...."
Let's hope he comes back and punctualizes some more real soon.
Post Orfice:
Signs are the best. Unlike spoken words, the hilarity is there to be seen again and again. My all-time favorite sign (and as Mr. Barry himself would say, "I am not making this up" -- I actually saw it) was about 15 or 20 years ago, in a somewhat seedy section of downtown Charlotte which had, to that point, escaped gentrification.
There was a little convenience store which sold sundries, cigarettes, newspapers, beer, and I'm sure cheap fortified wine such as Night Train. They also offered a service, as indicated by this sign in the window: "EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT." Do you suppose they would have provided drop-off and delivery service for Vincent Van Gogh?
BUMP
Try reading what you posted. S-L-O-W-L-Y.
And no sudden moves, please. Like posting again.
My question is, who underrates these people?
Just look for the UL. sticker, it says Underraters Laboratory.
"Signs are the best."
Yeah, like my college library. Huge letters, carved in stone, "Enter here the timeless fellowship of the human spirit."
Then below that, much smaller, "Use other door."
thanks so much!
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