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BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 2, 2002.) It's time for another installation of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the penultimate authority on grammatorical issues; the column that puts the ''p-u'' in punctuation; the only language column that was endorsed by both Jane Austen and William Shakespeare just before they died together in a romantic car crash. Today we regret that we must begin our column with this: TERRORIST THREAT WARNING We have received some alarming information from very high sources in the federal government. Q. How high were they? A. They were wearing their...

Mr. Language Person: Watch your language BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published 0ctober 25, 1998) At this juncture in the time parameter, we once again proudly present ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the No. 1 rated language column in the United States according to a recent J.D. Power and Associates survey of consumers with imaginary steel plates in their heads. The philosophy of this column is simple: If you do not use correct grammar, people will lose respect for you, and they will burn down your house. So let's stop beating around a dead horse and...

Welcome to "Ask Mister Language Person," written by the foremost leading world authority on the proper grammatorical usagality of English, both orally and in the form of words. In this award-winning column, which appears nocturnally, we answer the grammar and vocabulary questions that are on the minds of many Americans just before they pass out. Today, as is our wont, we begin with our first question: Q. You have a wont? A. Yes, but we comb our hair such that you cannot see it. Q. With regards to the old spiritual song, "Gwine Jump Down, Turn Around, Pick a Bale...

Mr. Language Person: True Quotations By DAVE BARRY >(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Dec. 13, 1992.) It's time once again for ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the only language column that is endorsed by both the American Association of English Professors AND Cher. This column presents answers to common reader questions about grammar, vocabulary, punctualization, and, when they are in season, metaphors. These questions are not ''made up.'' They are authentic re-enactments of actual questions taken from police files. Q: What is the correct grammatical usage of ``being as how''? A: This is an adenoidal phrase that...

A Tall Order, Grammatically BY DAVE BARRY Oct. 10, 2004 Join us now for another rendition of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the only grammar column mentioned by name in the Bible, as well as the official grammar column of the American Association of English Teachers in the Staff Lounge Counting the Days Until Retirement. We begin today with a disturbing escalation in the trend of coffee retailers giving stupid names to cup sizes. As you know, this trend began several years ago when Starbucks (motto: ''There's one opening right now in your basement'') decided to call its cup sizes ''Tall''...