Posted on 04/20/2005 10:08:55 AM PDT by qam1
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - American women are anxious these days and no wonder: They've been vilified as inadequate mothers, desperate housewives, lackluster academic scientists and -- most rudely -- too fat to be French. These characterizations have come in guilt-edged packaging on television, in newspapers and a raft of non-fiction books about the plight of U.S. women in the 21st century.
One of the most celebrated new works takes aim at the fallacy of having it all as a mother. Author Judith Warner dubbed the problem, and her book, "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety."
It isn't just about the challenges of motherhood, Warner said in a Reuters interview. Rather, it's a revisiting of the same kinds of frustration American women voiced in the first wave of modern feminism, back in the 1960s.
Warner, an American who lived in France for the births of her two daughters, returned to the United States to find a complicated, expensive, often baffling world, where grown women dressed in the same styles as their children, were too tired to think about sex and felt compelled to spend their evenings at such child-centered events as Girl Scout cookie meetings.
She re-read "The Feminine Mystique," Betty Friedan's ground-breaking 1963 book outlining the dissatisfactions of American women in the mid-20th century, "just to see what parallels I could find."
"I was shocked by the degree to which women's inner monologues were similar," Warner said. "The world had changed enormously since the early '60s, but the kind of pressure that women put on themselves, the kind of failure they felt like they were always facing, was very, very similar."
The first chapter of Friedan's book was called "The Problem That Has No Name," and described the American woman's life: "As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night -- she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question -- 'Is that all?"'
For the women in Warner's book, though, the question seems to be, "Will anything ever be enough?"
As Warner wrote of contemporary mothers: "The moms' lives were punctuated by boxer shorts on the floor and quilt-making at school, carpooling and play dates and mother-daughter book clubs, and getting in to see the right dentist ... and, and, and, layer after layer of trivia and absurdity that sometimes made them feel like they were going out of their heads."
An earlier generation of American women seemed able to deal with the demands of work and family, but Warner said this latest wave of post-baby boom mothers is different.
"We inherited a world that was created for us by women in the generation right before us, without really seeing any of the struggles or battles that went into creating that world," Warner said. "We've been a very competitive generation, a very materialistic generation and a very perfectionistic generation. and we bring all of that into motherhood now."
Husbands -- who were supposed to be part of the feminist push to give women more choices -- came in for their share of criticism from the dozens of women Warner interviewed.
In one chapter called "Wonderful Husbands," the women in Warner's coffee groups almost uniformly begin sentences about their spouses with the phrase, "I have a wonderful husband, but ..." and then proceed to trash the man's domestic incompetence and overweening sex drive.
Warner's book -- which was splashed on the cover of Newsweek magazine and the front of The New York Times Book Review -- is among a rising chorus of media mentions of problems for some of America's most publicly visible women.
On television, there are the outwardly enviable and inwardly twisted lives of the fictional "Desperate Housewives." A typical scene shows one wife in nothing but a fur coat and red lingerie, interrupting a heavy-breathing session to make sure a messy sandwich doesn't fall off the nightstand.
In academe, there is the mess at Harvard University, where President Lawrence Summers caused a furor in January by suggesting that intrinsic differences between the sexes may help explain why so few women work in the academic sciences.
In the corporate realm, the ouster of Hewlett-Packard chief Carly Fiorina and the much-monitored prison term of Martha Stewart were long-term front-page fare.
One non-fiction best-seller is unlikely to make American women's anxiety go away any time soon. In "French Women Don't Get Fat," Mireille Guiliano, the CEO of Cliquot Inc., tells how she looked like "a sack of potatoes" -- a big restaurant-size sack -- after spending time in the United States.
She slimmed down when she returned to her native France; her book is a light-hearted instruction manual on how to combat the "American way of eating."
>>>That you call a woman caring for her husband and making him better and raising the next generation of the human race a crock instead of the truly noble thing it is shows just how deeply you've been brainwashed.>>>
I didn't call a woman taking care of her kids and husband a crock. What I called a crock was the statement that it is was they NEED to do. This isn't the middle ages, there still is a thing called CHOICE in this country. And no, not THAT choice.
>>>Women who think it is inferior to raise children have been brainwashed by feminism.>>>
And men who think it is the only purpose of a woman is ignorant. IMO
Not only can it be done, it can be done with remarkable ease. The hardest thing for me was the inital commitment, ordering myself to cull some un-necessities from our budget. Those things I've given up, I cannot even call them sacrifices. I don't miss them at all.
I'm going to be lynched, but I think there is a lot of pressure on women. And part of the problem is MEN. I think that the feminists did a bad job, and we younger generations are suffering the effects now. Agreed that the woman has to have choices and that all (excluding abortion, that is NOT an option). But instead to getting ride of excess baggage or try to change men for the best, they kind of said "men are the source of all our failures and frustrations, so let's take revenge by being as pig as they are". Very wrong approach. And now most men are not only the pigs they used to be, but influenced by the media. In summary: the pressure that women have to support today is the result of feminism, men and media.
AND I know there are still good, sensitive men out there. I just haven't find one for me yet.
My mom is a dear, truly the loveliest lady I know. I just spent nearly two weeks visiting my folks down in GA and I can't wait for them to come visit us this summer. I could never ask her opinion of my mothering, though. I don't know why, but I just couldn't do it. I really don't think about it too much anymore--it was a fixation during our first son's infancy and I think I missed out on a lot of happiness from all the worrying I was doing.
ROTFLMAO--and I'm Catholic!
>>>Some INDIVIDUALS are just programmed for various or different things; that is as God-given as the GROUP generalities of women bear (hence, raise) children and men hunt (work?).>>>
Being a mother is the most important title and job I have. But is not the only thing that fulfills me and I am entitled to a happy life with many joyous things. Not just what some of these knuckledraggers think that I (because I don't have a penis) should do with my life.
I do not think feminism is that great, but I don't think that the backwards ways of thinking regarding women and mothers on this forum are all that hot either. I can understand why the lefties harp on that 'rightwing nutjob' thing. I have been very surprised by the lack of respect for women in general on this thread. With all they are good for is breeding attitude. What is more shocking is the women that support them. If you choose to stay home with your kids, fine, great choice for you. But to say that is the sole purpose of women, to take of children and husband. I am certainly more in depth than that.
Me, too! It's a running joke with TC and me.
"I do not think feminism is that great, but I don't think that the backwards ways of thinking regarding women and mothers on this forum are all that hot either. I can understand why the lefties harp on that 'rightwing nutjob' thing. I have been very surprised by the lack of respect for women in general on this thread."
You haven't been on too many woman-related threads, have you?
Actually, I doubt most of these people are "that bad", any more than you (maybe me too) are "that bad" despite their views thru a few posts. As stated earlier, similarly, in some ways I think this is merely a reactionary lashing-out at commie feminism (which included alot of belittling the old SAHmom - note how much "'50s women" take it on the chin even still). Cuz in real life, I've yet to meet men (or others) who are that belittling to women who don't toe the line.
"If you choose to stay home with your kids, fine, great choice for you. But to say that is the sole purpose of women, to take of children and husband."
Conversely 1 could say the sole purpose of men is to get wife & children (hell, I had some romantic here staunchly declare that men live - work hard - to worship & serve 1 woman). Make them stutter and watch them trip. ;-)
My brother and sister-in-law basically traded places, and it worked out wonderfully for them.
My brother stayed at home with the kids and my sister-in-law worked. She was even the vice president of her company until a few years ago.
A few years ago, their decision really paid off. My brother had suffered from bad skin cancer for 20 years. It finally became terminal. He died last August at 49.
My sister-in-law stopped being the VP of her company to take care of my brother, but she still kept her job. In fact, her company has been very suportive of my sister-in-law and my niece and nephew.
I'm just very thankful that my brother got to spend as much time with his kids as he did.
I think you may be correct about this.
When my son was first born, my husband and I bought into the you can have a kid an work mentality. I'm just glad that we both came to the conclusion that my working was not great.
At first, we thought I would go back to work when the kids were in school. However, my husband doesn't want me to go back to work now. He likes that I do the cooking, cleaning, etc, and he doesn't have to worry about it.
However, I may try to do something while the kids are in school. I'd rather hire someone to clean my house, and if I can make some money while the kids are in school then I will.
I just know a lot of men that pressure their wives to work when they have kids. The women don't want to work. I feel very sorry for the. Financially, these women do not need to work. I also feel very sorry for the kids.
In my peak of stress, when my son was born 2 years ago, I asked my then husband to help me with my duties, and he literally said "Come on, you have to learn how to handle the baby AND your job AND the house". I always made more money than him, so I had the financially responsibility too. He wouldn't do anything at home, or to help with the baby; NOTHING AT ALL. Finally I divorced, so now I have to handle kid, job and house, but at least not HUSBAND. I had to get rid of some bagagge, and it was him; I had no choice.
I think you are very lucky.
I have seen that happen with other men, and I do believe that is what feminism got us.
I think that feminism also got men and women to both be selfish and not think of the best interest of the kids and family.
I have no problem with men staying home to take care of the kids.
I also know of some couples who both work part time, and alternate taking care of the kids.
Some work full-time, but one works during the day and one works at night, and or weekends. This seems to be popular with families where one of them is a nurse. (We know lots of families with engineer/nurse combinations.)
Good luck with your son. I'm sure it was a tough decision, but what other options did you have. Your ex-husband really forced you into the situation. I hope you find much happiness in your future.
Of course they can.
There are a lot of Freeper husbands raising their kids. There was an article on it posted here recently with all favorable comments.
Some couples whose income is at the lower end of middle class have stay-at-home moms. It can be done.
Not only can it be done, it can be done with remarkable ease. The hardest thing for me was the inital commitment, ordering myself to cull some un-necessities from our budget. Those things I've given up, I cannot even call them sacrifices. I don't miss them at all.
--
I agree. My van is 8 years old, dh's SUV (haha) is ancient- 15 years old and both paid for. Our furniture is 'original' (from college and newleywed days), our kitchen is 55 years old, so is the bath! Hey we have survived! We shop 'discount' for clothes, but they are washed, and the kids are clean, and well fed. We have so much- a mom and dad for our children, we have the Lord. Hey we have everything we need! And we live in the most expensive (or darn close) area of the country, $ilicon valley. And we make lower lower middle income (for this area you know.) They said it could not be done!
So you think it is healthy to tell your daughters that they aren't important to you and you didn't want to be "stuck" taking care of them, spending time with them, reading to them,
being with them.
Poor girls.
My children know that I chose to have them and I choose to be with them.
>>>So you think it is healthy to tell your daughters that they aren't important to you and you didn't want to be "stuck" taking care of them, spending time with them, reading to them,
being with them.
Poor girls.
My children know that I chose to have them and I choose to be with them.>>>
How dare you! If I say that I enjoy a career outside of my home, you say that I do not want to be stuck with my kids. This is the backwards mentality I am talking about here. Poor you.
No, I would never tell my children that, because it isn't true. I would tell them that their passion for music, passion for healing, passion for whatever is a huge part of who they are and that they can enjoy being all that they are and be a mother too. The same things afforded to a male. Luckily for me, I have a husband who enjoys being a parent as much as me and doesn't shoulder the entire caretaking on to me so that I can be and do those things that are important to me. As a woman. Same for him. Once again I say poor you. I have never insulted a SAHM on this thread and I find it disgusting that you would sink so low as to insult me because I don't follow your map of life.
I didn't say it, YOU said you didn't want to be STUCK staying home with your children. I hope you are more careful what language you use around your children.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.