Posted on 04/20/2005 10:08:55 AM PDT by qam1
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - American women are anxious these days and no wonder: They've been vilified as inadequate mothers, desperate housewives, lackluster academic scientists and -- most rudely -- too fat to be French. These characterizations have come in guilt-edged packaging on television, in newspapers and a raft of non-fiction books about the plight of U.S. women in the 21st century.
One of the most celebrated new works takes aim at the fallacy of having it all as a mother. Author Judith Warner dubbed the problem, and her book, "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety."
It isn't just about the challenges of motherhood, Warner said in a Reuters interview. Rather, it's a revisiting of the same kinds of frustration American women voiced in the first wave of modern feminism, back in the 1960s.
Warner, an American who lived in France for the births of her two daughters, returned to the United States to find a complicated, expensive, often baffling world, where grown women dressed in the same styles as their children, were too tired to think about sex and felt compelled to spend their evenings at such child-centered events as Girl Scout cookie meetings.
She re-read "The Feminine Mystique," Betty Friedan's ground-breaking 1963 book outlining the dissatisfactions of American women in the mid-20th century, "just to see what parallels I could find."
"I was shocked by the degree to which women's inner monologues were similar," Warner said. "The world had changed enormously since the early '60s, but the kind of pressure that women put on themselves, the kind of failure they felt like they were always facing, was very, very similar."
The first chapter of Friedan's book was called "The Problem That Has No Name," and described the American woman's life: "As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night -- she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question -- 'Is that all?"'
For the women in Warner's book, though, the question seems to be, "Will anything ever be enough?"
As Warner wrote of contemporary mothers: "The moms' lives were punctuated by boxer shorts on the floor and quilt-making at school, carpooling and play dates and mother-daughter book clubs, and getting in to see the right dentist ... and, and, and, layer after layer of trivia and absurdity that sometimes made them feel like they were going out of their heads."
An earlier generation of American women seemed able to deal with the demands of work and family, but Warner said this latest wave of post-baby boom mothers is different.
"We inherited a world that was created for us by women in the generation right before us, without really seeing any of the struggles or battles that went into creating that world," Warner said. "We've been a very competitive generation, a very materialistic generation and a very perfectionistic generation. and we bring all of that into motherhood now."
Husbands -- who were supposed to be part of the feminist push to give women more choices -- came in for their share of criticism from the dozens of women Warner interviewed.
In one chapter called "Wonderful Husbands," the women in Warner's coffee groups almost uniformly begin sentences about their spouses with the phrase, "I have a wonderful husband, but ..." and then proceed to trash the man's domestic incompetence and overweening sex drive.
Warner's book -- which was splashed on the cover of Newsweek magazine and the front of The New York Times Book Review -- is among a rising chorus of media mentions of problems for some of America's most publicly visible women.
On television, there are the outwardly enviable and inwardly twisted lives of the fictional "Desperate Housewives." A typical scene shows one wife in nothing but a fur coat and red lingerie, interrupting a heavy-breathing session to make sure a messy sandwich doesn't fall off the nightstand.
In academe, there is the mess at Harvard University, where President Lawrence Summers caused a furor in January by suggesting that intrinsic differences between the sexes may help explain why so few women work in the academic sciences.
In the corporate realm, the ouster of Hewlett-Packard chief Carly Fiorina and the much-monitored prison term of Martha Stewart were long-term front-page fare.
One non-fiction best-seller is unlikely to make American women's anxiety go away any time soon. In "French Women Don't Get Fat," Mireille Guiliano, the CEO of Cliquot Inc., tells how she looked like "a sack of potatoes" -- a big restaurant-size sack -- after spending time in the United States.
She slimmed down when she returned to her native France; her book is a light-hearted instruction manual on how to combat the "American way of eating."
>>Yeah, like, that's what daycare is for! Duh! ;-)
Why? Because fathers can't be parents too?
Why is there only two choices in the world?
>>>I have nothing against working mothers, I was one myself........I dislike those women that have the attitude they MUST do both and those that choose to look down on others who make different CHOICES.>>>
And I have nothing against stay at home moms, and I may go back home to stay full time with my kids. I don't like those (especially men) who put down working mothers and act like they are not as good of mothers as others, even if the father is pulling 50% of the raising. I think the key word you spoke here is CHOICES.
I guess I just don't like the indication that I (or any woman) need to get screwed so I won't be uptight any more. (That 1's an old suggestion, heard it a million times. Generally sexist as it's always applied to women.)
Never mind, not a big deal.
That's really odd. My first guess would be squirrels but they won't touch tulip bulbs (toxicity). You've got a mystery there, my friend, but at least it is a lovely mystery.
Kevin takes care of the plant selection--he has a great eye for gardening. I like the grunt work: The soil prep, cleaning out debris, weeding, watering, pruning, harvesting, yadda yadda. This is the first year we have had tulips and they are coming up beautifully, which is great.
What a wonderful summary. A moment of true clarity and thanks.
You are most welcome. Just my little rant. ;-)
Good for him!!! This was one of the first topics we did on FFT, you might remember. It is a trap for sooo many women, and it is what leads to the "stuck at home" way of thinking. The hardest thing about being a mother is making the adjustment from workplace to homefront--what most women don't realize is that they are really just going from workplace to workplace. It is difficult to think of it as work because you don't get the monetary "pat on the back" each Friday. How does a woman know she is doing a job, a good job, without that paycheck? Without the annual review?
I was pretty miserable after our first son was born. I didn't want to go back to work and we were blessed in that I didn't have to, but I felt like a failure. Apart from the occasional reassurances from the pediatrician that our son was doing well, I found it impossible to really gauge how I was doing as a mom. I finally came to realize that it is something that cannot be gauged, not in the same way that a traditional job is assessed. Instead of worrying about how I was doing as a mother, I began to concentrate on how I was doing as a homemaker. When I worked in the stockroom at Target (and at most of my previous jobs) I had a daily task list. Why shouldn't I have a task list as a homemaker? So I started doing that. I go through my task list every day now. It not only gives me a sense of accomplishment, I am far better organized now and actually have more free time and more "mad" money to play with.
As for assessing how we're doing as mothers...if your child hits 18 without ever having to be bailed out of county, ya done good!
So do I, but I really hesitate to use that word because of the conotation others attach to it.
Even without the toxicity issue I rule out squirrels because believe it or not we don't have any - or at least I haven't seen any near the house.
Hubby and I pretty much share the gardening - he does most of the soil prep and debris clearing and I do all the seed starting - after that it's pretty much a joint venture.
In fact we had a huge bonfire going yesterday from all the clippings from the pruning and also much of the attic flooring we had pulled up. And the anti smoker brigade would have had apoplexy because we empty all our ashtrays into the burn pit instead of the trash :)
"I found it impossible to really gauge how I was doing as a mom. I finally came to realize that it is something that cannot be gauged, not in the same way that a traditional job is assessed."
You ask your mom. She'll know!
Funny, para-quoting a country song by a MAN assuming a man's life..... ;-)
What a crock.
No, it's not a crock. The essence of womanhood is to nurture, comfort and care. To deny that is to invite misery.
That you call a woman caring for her husband and making him better and raising the next generation of the human race a crock instead of the truly noble thing it is shows just how deeply you've been brainwashed.
Don't listen to country music. I think that particular sentiment can be found in both latin and greek, so I think it's been around awhile.
Why wouldn't that apply to a man or womans life?
Read the entire thread before you blast off.
Sorry, but some man saying women "NEED" to stay home w/kids is a bit condescending.
I guess men "NEED" to go kill animals. After all, the essence of manhood is to hunt down game for food. Sitting at a desk don't cut it.
Women who are true to their womanhood are better at raising children, that's why. Women who sell their womanhood to be like a Man in the corporate world... well, that's why so many of them are miserable.
A man who isn't earning enough to support his family is falling down on his responsibilities as a man, and he'll be miserable, too. Men derive their satisfaction, when true to their manhood, by providing for and protecting those weaker than themselves.
These things are hard-wired into us (I don't work at Harvard, so I can say that). People who deny them, set themselves up for misery and stress.
Women who think it is inferior to raise children have been brainwashed by feminism.
Oh it would. Just that around here, apparently only women are supposed to have this devotion to home. ;-)
Bump to your post!
While I agree w/your general assessment (except the "misery" thing - just how truly miserable are these kinds of people?), why should women automatically be shut out from ever doing anything useful outside raising kids? What if even the 25 yo simply can't have kids? Should she be shut out of doing anything cuz we expect all women will have kids?
Some of us have more restless brains that can't help thinking about other big things. We have other mental capabilities, too. Perhaps 50% of the population should not be utilized to do progressive things? To help progress society DIRECTLY (please, spare the "you progress it w/your children" - that's not direct, and it's not guaranteed progress either - and it won't be concluded for 30 years).
Some INDIVIDUALS are just programmed for various or different things; that is as God-given as the GROUP generalities of women bear (hence, raise) children and men hunt (work?).
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.