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Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross
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"We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weiner dog."
LOLOL!!
Hi Taz....hope you had a good day/night at work.
Hello canteeners!
Top of the mornin to ye one and all!
She missed not being with you for three days, but it could'na be helped....t'was that busy. (wink) She's here this mornin though and glad of it. Hugs!
Tis too funny! I think I'm going to have a blast reading all the shared jokes. LOL
Diva, It's 4 a.m. here in Central FL. Checkin' in and thanks for the thread. Happy Tuesday!
Morning young lass. Have a great Spring day!
THE PASTOR'S CAT
This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day. Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor?
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc., but the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Never under-estimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
The 10 dog thingys. As a dog lover that is really GOOD.
Good morning everyone.
Physician Funnies!
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remarked the patient.
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address,he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. PS: Sure is hot down here
I hope Tomkow doesn't see this one! LOL
I posted this on some other kerry "goose threads", but I have to one more time for the "morning" FR crew....
Maybe something like this happened to F'n durring his "goose hunt"....(It's an old Buddy Hackett joke...)
John Kerry, in dire need of carrying Ohio in his 2004 presidential bid, decided he should go "goose hunting" to maybe shore up the NRA and hunter's votes.
Kerry goes and buys his hunting licence, full camo gear, and brandishing his new shotgun, paused for the pre-hunt photo ops, and then takes off with a few other hunters, and begins his goose quest.
Going quite far off the "beaten path", to remain out of sight of the press incase he comes up "empty" in his "endeavor", Kerry and crew finally see a chance for a goose as a flock finally flies overhead within shotgun range. The rest of Kerry's team hold their fire to give Kerry his chance for a "kill".
Kerry fires twice and misses, but his third and last good shot at the flock, hits it's mark and wings one of the geese. The bird does not go down right away, but injuredly glides on a downward path ahead of Kerry's party and lands out of their site near what appears to be a farmers barn and house.
Kerry's party quickly goes to redeem their "prize", and climbing over the farmer's fence that marks his property, see the goose still flapping beside the farmer's barn. Kerry quickly heads to the barn, but is stopped short of retrieving the goose, as he is suddenly met by the farmer who owns the property.
Kerry says to the farmer:"Hello, I'm John Kerry, the Senator from Mass who is running for President. I shot a goose, and it landed by the barn and I was going to retrieve it."
The farmer replies:"Yes, I recognize you Senator, but it seems like you are unfamiliar with the goose hunting rules here in Ohio. If the goose lands on someone elses property, you do not have ownership of the bird, unless you are the winner of the challenge by the owner of the property."
Kerry replies: "I didn't know about the Ohio rule challenge. What is it?"
The farmer replies:"The owner of the property gets to pick the challenge. If you refuse, I get to keep the goose."
Kerry questions the farmer: "Well, it sounds fair, but what is your challenge ?"
The farmer replies: "You and I will have a contest. The contest is, we will take turns accepting a kick to the groin, and the last one standing gets to keep the goose. Agreed?"
Kerry thinks for a moment. He doesn't want to come away from his well publicized "goose hunt" empty handed, and the farmer doesn't look very strong. The war hero Kerry says to the farmer: "Well, it's a strange challenge, but let's go for it !!"
The farmer replies: "Ok Senator, but because I am the property owner, I get to start the challenge."
Kerry agrees. He hands his shotgun to one of the members of his party, and takes an open stance ready to accept the farmer's first attempt.
The farmer approaches Kerry, and gives him such a kick, that Kerry is lifted off his feet, and crumples into a writhing ball of pain. The farmer backs away, waiting to see if Kerry will survive his first kick. Kerry groans in pain, but after a few seconds, with his friends cheering him to get up, rises to his feet.
With Kerry's party cheering him on, Kerry says to the farmer: "Well that was pretty good, but now according to your rules, it's my turn to kick you !!"
The farmer replies: "Aw, you can keep the goose !!"
We've been having our share of Spring days lately, and thankful for them I am. Tis a site to see, blossoms and buds everywhere. Birds singing, bathing in puddles, and playing the mating game. Fishing poles and boats can be seen on every road in the area. Tis a glorious season!
Tis a good one! LOL
Thanks!
Too funny
Fishing ping
Happy Anniversary Mr. & Mrs. uncleshag! I hear you celebrated 28 years yesterday. Congratulations! Hugs!
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