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Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross
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LOL!
You are a Stinker! Hehe!
An old woman went to the gynecologist for an exam. While performing a vaginal exam, the doctor found a fifty dollar bill. The woman said that she forgot she had put it there. The doctor asked her why she put it there. Her reply: "It was the only place my husband wouldn't find it".
Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain Man, enlisted in the Marine Corps.
On his first day in Basic, the Corps issued him a comb. That afternoon the Marine barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Corp issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Marine dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day the Corps issued him a jock strap. The Marines have been looking for Herman for 51 years!
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent "Go on home to Boston."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"
The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."
OHH There is report off Xinurea news wire tonight that Krydtion is claim that they going held Free democratic election this July accoring to sources
And another report another stumbling block there is report off BBC wire reporting that Lebanon has fail to form new govt reason Hezollah is raising tiffy fit because new Lebanon intern MP want to open investiation did Hezollah have something do with PRO reform ex Lebanon PM who got whack in that car bomb
And speaking of Hezollah report off Hareetz wire report they claim they just send drone up in Northern Israel
Can you say IDF smackdown I think maybe IDF should pay Prez Assad visit to his crib if you know what I mean
A Marine, in tattered fatigues, goes up to the White House gate, and asks to see President Kerry.
The guard replies "Sir, Kerry is not the president, and does not live here."
The Marine moves on.
Next day, the same Marine goes up to the White House gate, and asks to see President Kerry.
The same guard replies "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Kerry is not the president, and does not live here."
The Marine moves on.
Next day, the same Marine goes up to the White House gate, and asks to see President Kerry.
The same guard replies "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Kerry is not the president, and does not live here. Why do you keep asking?"
The Marine replies: "I just like hearing the sound of it".
A biker and his wife are celebrating their 20th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little teddy that she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what is it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 20 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks her up and down and finally replies, "Mission Accomplished."
U.S. Air Force jet driver, an atheist, throttles forward his newest craft and climbs to 56,000 feet in 21 seconds.
"How fast we going?" he asks ground radio.
"So fast the instruments can't detect it."
"Good Lord!" yells the Jet Driver.
"Yes, my son."
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. It could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also -- like any good bartender - engage in appropriate conversation.
So a man enters the bar, orders a drink, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "150." And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." But he decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100." And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders, and so on.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "50."
And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Kerry?"
THE SASKATCHEWAN FARMER
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
[I love this part....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He won't come, anyway.
LOL!
(Spurted beer on that one!)
(This is an old one from an old thread when clintoon was prez.)
Bill Clinton trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.
The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!” and Bill replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.”
The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which Bill says, “I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”
The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”
Clinton, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”
The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”
Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He plays for the Chicago Bears , but I was too embarrassed to say so."
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago park when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Cub Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Cubs Fan," the little boy replies. "Sorry but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.
"Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack", he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox Fan either," the little boy replies. "Sorry but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.
"Bears Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack", he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Bears Fan either," says the boy. "Oh...... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you rootf or?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Packers fan." the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little B@$+@rd From Wisconsin Kills Beloved Family Pet"
ROTFLMAO!
(My wife just gave me some strange looks and went to bed!)
ok - had to get out the spare keyboard on that one.
An old thread had some idiot tales that were pretty funny and some just wierd, supposedly true - here are a few:
ANN ARBOR IDIOT The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
KENTUCKY IDIOTS Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home....with the chain still attached to the machine....with their bumper still attached to the chain....with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
LOUISIANA IDIOT A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.00. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
ARKANSAS IDIOT Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
NEW YORK IDIOT As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes, Officer...that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.
SEATTLE IDIOT When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man, curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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