Posted on 04/11/2005 8:59:33 AM PDT by qam1
Haydee Leon is planning her wedding with a spreadsheet in hand.
It's the “something new” prospective brides need these days.
Leon and her fiance, Chris Mandernach, 25, have set a budget for their Sept. 18 wedding at The Clubhouse on Baltimore, and she's determined not to overspend.
When they got engaged in December, they decided they wanted a wedding that was elegant and in good taste, “but without going overboard,” says Leon, 26, who lives in Overland Park. “Something that was just reasonable.”
In the end, they decided that $16,000 was reasonable. It is, compared to the cost of a typical U.S. wedding, which is now more than $26,000.
That's almost 50 percent more than what they cost in 1990 according to the latest estimates from the industry.
Americans, it seems, are in love with love, and a savvy industry that throws seminars for photographers and wedding planners on how to “sell the bride” is a more-than-willing suitor.
From TV shows such as “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?” and movies such as “Bride and Prejudice,” to bridal expos, celebrity wedding coverage and Internet bridal sites, everywhere you turn, someone is saying “I do” — or at least telling us how to do it. This weekend will surely bring up the subject again with Prince Charles' royal wedding in England.
Today, the bride-to-be has her pick of at least 77 bridal magazines on newsstands, more than four times as many as the 18 published in 1989, according to the National Directory of Magazines.
Most of them will tell the happy couple how to save money and many a father of the bride has joked about mortgaging the house to pay for his daughter's wedding.
These days, that's no laughing matter.
Before World War I, the average wedding cost one-third of the annual U.S. median family income, says Alan Fields in Boulder, Colo. He and his wife, Denise, have become well-known watchdogs of the wedding industry.
By the 1960s, it had risen to half. Today, wedding costs are closing in on 60 percent of annual family incomes, says Fields, co-author of the popular Bridal Bargains series of books.
It's all too much for some couples. The commercialization of weddings has caused inflation and people are forgetting what the ceremony is about, says Pete Tarantino, a 35-year-old Kansas City loan officer who just got married to Susan, 31.
“It's important to stay focused on spending a lifetime together and not just a day,” Tarantino says of the planning process. “It's about your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with God. Stay away from the magazines and the TV shows, and be involved with each other.”
“The focus has moved to the bride's dress, the size of the ring or how many people are at the reception, when it needs to be the exact opposite,” he says.
How did we get to this point? The idea of the big, fancy wedding is seductive.
Cele Otnes, an associate professor of business administration at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, spent four years researching weddings for a book she co-wrote with colleague Elizabeth Pleck called Cinderella Dreams: The Allure of the Lavish Wedding.
One reason the lavish wedding has taken off to near recession-proof costs, they argue, is that “it allows people to experience magic in their lives,” Otnes says.
It's guilt-free magic, she says, because people tell themselves this is a once-in-a-lifetime event, though that's not necessarily true anymore. Half of all new unions involve at least one partner who is marrying for a second time. And there's no more reluctance in spending big on a second wedding either. Encore weddings in the United States average about $12,000, Otnes says.
Weddings also let people “remember themselves as close as they'll ever get to being celebrities,” Otnes says. “People are young, and probably the most attractive they'll ever be, given the amount of pampering that's gone into one day.
“When you think about the powerful task that it accomplishes, it's hard to beat. You get a lot of sociological and emotional bang for the buck, even at $26,000.”
Romance is a huge driver of consumerism, Otnes says, quoting one of her sources who suggested that the lavish wedding allows us to express our romance with consumption and our consumption of romance.
So is it any wonder that the fairytale wedding has become the picture of a romantic marriage?
“A fantasy is much more appealing than reality,” says Susan Shapiro Barash, professor of gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College and author of The New Wife: The Evolving Role of the American Wife.
The glamorized wedding epitomizes the hope for happily ever after and with that idea comes the willingness to create it at any cost, says Barash.
And it's important to today's young bride that her marriage is enduring. These are the daughters of baby-boomer women, many of whom are divorced or have never been married but often have careers and educations, she says.
But when these brides look at their grandmothers, they see women who have been married for 50 years to the same man. They want that kind of marriage. They want to live “happily ever after.”
“The 21st-century wife is determined to not have a stressful marriage, but to have a very romantic, exciting marriage,” Barash says.
Sarah Burkindine of Prairie Village has seen the fantasy of it all while planning her Nov. 5 wedding to Brian Roberts, 32.
“Weddings are becoming more of an event,” says Burkindine, 28. “I definitely think people are spending more these days on weddings than they did years ago.
“My aunt got married in the early to mid-‘80s and my grandmother paid for it by herself, and that wedding was much less than $10,000,” says Burkindine. “My sister recently got married and had a wedding similar to that one, but 20 years later the cost more than doubled.”
That is closer to the cost of the average $20,000 Kansas City wedding, according to local bridal publications.
“Weddings are more extravagant,” Burkindine says. “It's not your basic dress, tux and 50 guests. People get wrapped up in the little details, like favors, chair covers, huge halls, big bands and outstanding florists. But there's a supply and demand, and people will pay for it.”
It would be hard for any one person to pay for all of the cost themselves, Burkindine says. Her budget is made up of a large contribution from her parents, some from his parents and a few thousand from the couple.
That's not necessarily a new phenomenon, but this pitching in to cover the cost of a wedding is happening more often these days, wedding experts say.
“It's just becoming more unusual for the bride's family to foot the bill,” says Kara Corridan, executive editor of Modern Bride and Elegant Bride magazines in New York. “It happens, but it's not the norm anymore. It's almost seen as old-fashioned.
“We know a lot of couples bringing in a nice income and they feel funny turning around asking their parents to pay for it.”
Even arbiters of etiquette such as Peggy Post contend that it's not unusual for families to pool their money to get their sons and daughters hitched. Today, approximately 25 percent of weddings are paid for solely by the bride's parents, according to wedding industry estimates.
“I think that's a reflection of that $20,000 figure,” says Alan Fields. “It's just a lot of money.”
The Cinderella Dreams authors found little backlash to the lavish wedding during their four years of research. But they didn't meet Kansas City couple Jamillah Duckett and her husband, Quentin. They steered well away from the marketing and hype when it came to their 2004 wedding.
“My wedding was simple, intimate, elegant and romantic,” says Duckett, 29, whose wedding cost about $2,500. “I only had my sister stand up with me, and his brother stood up with him, and I would not change a thing about my day.”
Duckett thinks people have forgotten what a wedding is supposed to be.
“Spending your whole life savings makes for a dream wedding, but it's not the (blueprint) for a healthy marriage,” Duckett says.
“One of the main things for my husband and I is that we had to remember that this was our day, because everyone is going to give you their opinion of how they think your wedding should go and that, in itself, can be stressful,” Duckett says.
“Just remember the purpose and you'll be fine.”
If someone else paid for my wedding I would never be able to look in the mirror and call myself a Man again.
Huh? It's traditional that the wife's parents pay for the wedding.
Anyway, I could have paid for a wedding, just not the wedding my wife, her sister and her mother wanted.
A million years ago, maybe, when kids got married before their careers were on track.
If you could have afforded a wedding, you should have paid for it. But I don't have to shave in your mirror, you do.
Hey, if other people want to give me money, I'd be a fool to turn it down.
"It's been my experience that the more lavish the wedding and number of attendants, the shorter the duration of the marriage."
From what I've seen it doesn't make much difference.....
Unnecessary charity offends my integrity and my opinion of myself as a man. But that is just me.
"It's sad to say, but I know of a half-dozen or so couples where one of them became "unhappy" after 7-10 years. Were they abused, did their spouse run around on them, was their spouse lazy and couldn't hold a job? No...their significant other just became, "unhappy.""
And unfortunately that happens no matter how much or how little they spent for a wedding. Just a sign of the "instant gratification" times.
Sometimes I get the impression that people are getting married in order to have a wedding, not the other way around. The wedding industry is absolutely ridiculous, and the fact that so many people fall into it is equally absurd. I would never spend that on a wedding, and don't tell me you "have" to invite 250 guests and need 7 bridesmaids and all the rest of it. I think some people truly believe that the marriage isn't legal if there wasn't a limo as well.
"My wife and I were married in the mid-70s. The wedding cost around $150, and most of that was for a dinner-reception for the immediate family only. Her uncle was the minster and we used his church. The ceremony took about 15 minutes. My uncle was the photographer. She had a friend make her wedding dress at low cost. I wore a sport jacket and slacks.
30 years, 7 kids, and 5 grandkids later it's still going strong."
We had 400 people and the wedding that made our parents happy (they planned we showed up) and after 35 years, 3 kids and 2 grandkids (so far) it's also still going strong. I don't know that there is any set guarantee of happiness. Our wedding made all 4 of our parents happy, they shared costs (and this was in the 60s) and relished every moment of it for years and years. It may not have been what I'd have planned, but it was a joy to be able to see them so excited about our life together. Our parents became close friends who enjoyed each others company even when my husband and I weren't around. Sure was nice not having pesky in law problems!
As long as people are happy in the planning, don't go into huge debt and enjoy the day, why not have the party they want. We still got our house and our kids educated, so what the heck. Our parents were able to live out their lives comfortably and savored the memories. Maybe not for everyone, but big weddings aren't necessarily a bad thing!
Before he changed his mind about homosexual marriage, and accepted the idea, Andrew Sullivan used to joke that he knew a lot of gay men who didn't want a marriage, but they'd LOVE to have a wedding.
Just curious....is there a Mrs. HamiltonJay?!?!
We spent $12,000 for a wedding with a guest list of 250, a catered buffet, wedding cake, flowers, reception in an elegant mansion, and limousines for the bridal party. Five bridesmaids and groomsmen, flower girl and ring-bearer, and harpist for the music.
How did we hold costs down? The wedding was in February, so the catereers and florists weren't inclined to gouge. Our daughter got her dress off the rack on sale.
I do not regret one penny of the money spent. Our daughter had to deal with several surgeries growing up, due to a birth defect. She has triumphed and graduated from college, her husband loves her dearly, and we are very proud of her.
We were happy to entertain her friends and give her a wonderful evening. I feel the money was well spent, and my daughter and her husband are not in debt.
Those who want to spend differently, fine with me. But simply because someone has a large wedding does not mean they are in debt.
Probably about the cost of a good Fraturnity Kegger. What they don't mention is that, at $25K, the wedding is significantly cheaper than a divorce.
It is hard to say what the circumstances were.
Like I said, if the kids are young, it makes sense. But a man who has a career well underway should pay his own way for a basic ceremony and perhaps allow the in-laws to add embellishments. A man takes care of his obligations, period.
$12K is a bit of an embellishment, but if more people were able to participate than otherwise, I can see it.
But $80K? 200K?
A wedding in the 80's or 200 grand would be far our of our budget. However, if I were Donld Trump or someone on that income level, I would probably not bat an eye.
It all depends on income level...don't judge parents paying a lot...they may have the money.
That’s about what mine cost – including the license fee.
Fortunately neither set of parents were close enough to influence the wedding.
The "princess for a day" thing is such a foolish thing to rack up debt for before the marriage has even started.
That makes sense. I see you see my point.
It all depends on income level...don't judge parents paying a lot...they may have the money.
Sorry, but even if I married into a rich famuly, I would feel uncomfortable having them do it all.
But every case is different.
Marriage license: $50
Justice 'o the Peace: $75
(tie matching JP's: Pretty cool coincidence)
Peace of mind from not going into debt: Priceless
I don't think our son felt bad, because it was tradition that the bride paid. They had a lovely wedding and reception, are still married (with three children) and we often fondly remember that day.
Everyone should decide hat they want, based on both economics and what the couple want.
For my son, I will always be grateful that they had a big church wedding to which my grandfather could come and be escorted down the aisle with honor. He died a few years later, but was quite happy to see our son married.
I don't like to see people criticizing others for theier choices. Weddings are intensely personal, and carry all sorts of family customs. It is not my place to diss those who spent more than we did, nor those who spent less. The point is to create a memorable ceremony filled with meaning, without going bankrupt.
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