My Pregnant Wife: An Unexpected Target in the Culture Wars

Vanity ^ | 2 Apr 05 | gobucks

[gobucks]

"Don't you dare guilt your wife into having a natural childbirth!", I am told by a nice woman I know at church. I have known this lady for some time, and we have never talked politics. Suddenly, my wife is hot political topic #1. And though the politics are 'under the radar', my wife is clearly a target in the ongoing cultural war.

Until my wife started to dramatically enlarge during this last trimester, comments like these had been few. Now, it is a torrent. "What hospital? What OB? You are getting an epidural, right? What brand of formula do you plan to use (as if we will collapse immediately into the arms of the Enfamil salesman)? You are not going to breast feed too long, are you? Are you on a waiting list yet for infant day care?"

My wife and I, married over 10 years with all kinds of issues associated with getting pregnant are about to be parents of a boy in a few weeks. We are of course, thrilled and overjoyed.

But the political overtones of how we bring him into the world are just unreal. The unending stream of opinion and advice about it, with over 95 percent of it being something like this: "don't be stupid. Get the epidural." We have yet to have a single woman report to us that having her baby in a fully undrugged state was a good idea.

Why is labor today so terrifying for women? Why is it that husbands are being taught that encouraging a woman to experience a full unmedicated delivery is akin to treating her like a barbarian? Heck, I've told my wife I am not the one having the baby, and thus, I'm not about to dictate to her how it should be done; I simply said I like the idea of natural childbirth and that is it. Why is this so politically incorrect? Why are hordes of women pouring out of the woodwork yelling at us to make sure she gets the drugs, the epidural?

What the heck is going on such that bringing a child into the world has to be so .... upsetting?

And these are women at my church! I can just imagine what a hapless secular woman in some lonely cul-de-sac must endure.

I'm a typical Chistian man with a very pregnant wife. I have an atypical enthusiasm for most things associated with FreeRepublic. I'm looking for reports from any of you husbands (or their wives) out there have experienced the kind of unreal cultural pressure my wife and I have undergone as this last trimester winds down.

I have googled around, looking for articles about this - and it is just about nada. Mostly stuff on teen pregnancy and abortion. Zilch regarding ordinary married folks who are being pressured to have a 'modern' birth experience.

I'm I the only one who is seeing how a pregnant woman is somehow a political lightning rod these days?

[G Larry]

>You are getting an epidural, right? What brand of formula do you plan to use (as if we will collapse immediately into the arms of the Enfamil salesman)? You are not going to breast feed too long, are you? Are you on a waiting list yet for infant day care<

Let's evaluate the messages here:
1) Epidural - Don't consider ANY discomfort for a moment when there's an easy way out.
2) Formula - Don't plan on giving your baby the most valuable nourishment possible, or taking on the maternal bonding, so valuable to the babies development.
3) Infant Daycare - Plan early on abandoning your baby, so that IT doesn't become an obstacle to your all important career. Occasional contact with your child in the morning, evenings, and weekends is sufficient to provide the love and parental guidance necessary to produce an emotionally stable child, inculcated with your values and perspectives.

[joesnuffy]

Make sure you get a good brand breast pump and lots of those small food safe plastic bags...

Label all the extra milk by date and store in freezer till needed..you can use this milk warmed up as formula so your wife can sleep and later on use it on the babys cereal..

Got all your vitamins, minerals and antibodies in there...

Just keep pumping and she should keep producing for quite a while..if there is a freezer at work...she can even pump there and freeze it put it in a cooler and bring it home with her...

And if she resists..tell her that as long as she produces mild her metabolism is in overdrive and she is burning twice as many calories..and can lose twice as much weight.

Gets em every time..

Keep those kids on breast milk as long as possible..

I'd draw the line at 30 though...

(30 yrs old or 30 kids you ask?...)

I dunno..depends... You Catholic or Japanaese?

:)

[nyconse]

Modern obstetrics have freed women from pain and death-yes death. Look in your family book (if you are southern)-in every generation women died in childbirth. People who talk about the good old days...don't understand the dark side of those days. Women and babies often died during childbirth. I studied science in college and got to see an exhibit closed to the general public-a museum having to do with abonormalities during childbirth. I will never forget the perfectly preserved body of a 9lb + baby girl still attached to the uterus... The child and mother died during this birth in the 1850's. Thank God for medicine, antibiotics, and all that goes with modern medicine. Thank God, times and childbirth has changed!

[SLB]

I am the proud dad of 5.

The oldest was the first baby born using Lamaze in Bowling Green, KY in 1974. The agreement with the doctor and hospital would have allowed me into the labor room if there were no others in labor at that time. When we got to the hospital the waiting room even had ladies in labor setting in it as there was a glut of babies that day. I was forced into the waiting room. When our daughter was born the whole hospital was abuzz about this lady who "had nothing" for pain and did not yell and scream.

Two years later in Germany I was allowing to coach in labor and delivery. There is nothing that compares to seeing your son take his first breath and the glow that surrounds the whole place.

Five years later and back in Germany for the next baby and the same experience we had in 1977.

A six year gap and we found ourselves thinking there was more to the birth than a hospital. After all being pregnant is not an illness. We found a granny midwife, had a supportive family doctor and had a home birth. An hour after our daughter was born the whole family was perched on the bed eating pizza while mom nursed her to sleep.

Had the same midwife four years later, but only for support for me. I delivered the last daughter pretty much on my own. Nothing beats it.

Now our home birthed children are being home schooled and have experiences throughout their lives that none of their friends can touch. You should see the looks of shock and surprise on faces when their friends ask them what hospital they were born in.

[Conservativegreatgrandma]

This midwife thing can go either way. I have a friend who had had four children but with her fifth pregnancy decided to use a midwife. A doctor was on standby.

She had the baby squatted on her knees. After the baby was born, she complained of pain in her back and the midwife took a look and saw two little feet hanging out.

My friend said the baby was out within two minutes.

She said she wished she had had her first four children that way and credited the fact that she gave birth on her knees was why she needed no caesearan and said she felt that if she had been in a hospital, there would have been a caesearean.

She went on to have three more babies born at home.

Now, for my advice: Many years ago, someone told us about Adele Davis. I bought her book Let's Have Healthy Children, I gave the book to my daughter who was pregnant with her third child. Adele Davis told of the need for pregnant women to have plenty of zinc, Vit C, Vit E, calcium and folic acid. There may have been other nutrients, I don't remember.

Anyway, when my daugher went into labor she took some extras of these nutrients. Our grandson was born on the bed in the labor room (never made it to the delivery room) and she described a shiver coming over her body and the baby slid out.

My granddaughter just had a baby and as I was researching in the Internet, I found another woman describing the same experience. They claimed it was not really painful.

Some consider Adele Davis to be a quack but many of the things she advocated years ago, worked, including curing my rheumatoid arthritis and my husband's hemorrhoids.

[lafroste]

We have yet to have a single woman report to us that having her baby in a fully undrugged state was a good idea.

Mrs. lafroste and I had a baby daughter 3 weeks ago. She didn't get an epidural, but only because her labor proceeded so fast that by the time the procedure was scheduled, Jillian had already been here for half an hour. She also breast feeds. The baby is thriving. Tell them to mind their own business.

[Riya]

Has your wife checked out the various pregnancy message boards? Talk about opinions running rampant :).

I'm due in 6 weeks, so I've been involved in a lot of these conversations lately as well. I've come to the conclusion that as more research comes out as to what's healthiest, and what's not, some women question the choices they already made. So, by telling your wife she's nuts for thinking unmedicated, they are validating their choices and making themselves feel better. (just my opinion, your mileage may vary)

There are zealots on all sides. What is important is that your wife be given the opportunity to do this as she sees fit. Your role is to be her main support line. And it sounds as if you're doing that.

This is coming from someone having a repeat c-section and has been blasted by several Bradley people for not choosing "natural". And I can tell you, I'm a little jealous that your wife is able to give this a shot. Best of luck to both of you!

[Diva Betsy Ross]

hehe...i know that is true!

[Bushforlife]

My wife and I have six kids, and we love the stares when we go out. On several memorable occasions, when some obliviot made some comment as to the number, we have not only assured them that we were currently expecting another, but also that we both were from a family of ten and were well on our way to that goal.

[Diva Betsy Ross]

The really important things is what is wrapped up in that little blanket at the end of the day. Best of luck to you!

[ladyL]

First of all CONGRATULATIONS on your soon to be delivered son. How wonderful. Now gobucks, listen, you are going through an ancient ritual that has nothing to do with political correctness. The book might be called "It takes a village to birth a child." This is exciting for everyone who knows you, so they all have an opinion and rightly so, it is a time of celebration of life and we all want in on the celebration all nine months AND the delivery. God put it in our nature to be a community.

Childbirth is the most stellar experience in a woman's life, so given the chance, like talking to a pregnant mom, she will replay her experience and add her opinions. There is nothing like it in the male world for me to even draw an analogy for so that you could understand all this conversation about the birth method.

Now all this advice is given in good nature, with every woman knowing that the soon to be mother, is really in control of how she is going to deliver, natural or medicated. What the women want the mom to be to know, if it's her first pregnancy, is that depending on the woman, it can be a short uncomfortable birth or it can also go into the EXTREMES, like my first birth that I did natural. I was in labor 3 days and hard labor, as in hard contractions for the last 6 hours where I would scream and pass out.

Opting for an epidural for my second child was the smartest thing I ever did, she said tra la la. I enjoyed the birth, I loved my husband, whereas I slapped him in the face the first time during a particularly hard pain, and my hair nor my makeup was disturbed for family pictures immediately after the second birth.

Now what I find curious in your position is that #1 you assign PC to the form of delivery, I think that's going to far and #2 YOU ARE NOT GOING TO EXPAND ANY ORIFICE OF YOUR BODY to expel an 8 lb. baby so I would say your wife needs to gather all the information she can from other WOMEN who have accomplished this monumental task and the YOUR WIFE SHOULD DECIDE WHAT SHE IS PREPARED TO EXPERIENCE.

P.S. Had I had the epidural the first time I probably would have had a dozen children and not waited 14 yrs. between children. That's how bad my experience was.

[Howlin]

We don't have a lot of toys out here because they'd rather do Peter Pan on the deck and things like that.

But if you happen to see a really nice carved teak cat, I'm missing one out of a set of three. :-)

[Howlin]

My husband sends them to me; when they can walk, carry a fresh diaper, and say "I got a load," it's time to train.

[Proud 2BeTexan]

There were a lot of women who died in childbirth, and I, too, am thankful that medical help is available for those who need it. But, not every woman has problems with childbirth. Just as not every woman died 'in the olden days', not every woman today needs medical intervention.

There are some women who lose their babies, who use midwives, but there are also a lot of women who lose their babies in hospitals - due to a misjudgement of the doctor. I know personally several home-delivering midwives, and NONE of them have ever lost a baby. If a woman begins having problems, they will transfer them to the hospital immediately. It really depends on how compentent the midwife is. In Texas, they have to be licensed to practice, and most of them don't want to lose their license, so they are very careful! You just really need to research the midwife you choose.

My sister-in-law lost her baby during childbirth at a hospital. The cord was wrapped around the babies neck. I had my last baby at home - the cord was around her neck, but the midwife would not let me push her out until she had loosened the cord, and she was born perfectly healthy.

It's really not an either/or issue, in my opinion. There are good/bad midwives and there are good/bad doctors. If a baby is lost at the hospital, everybody says - oh, my such a tragedy. But if one is lost with a midwife, it's automatically the midwife's fault.

Whichever choice you make should be informed, and medical help should definitely be sought if required!

[biss5577]

Thanks--it has been quite a ride! When I was younger I would have people say "enjoy--they will be in college before you know it!" I would think that they have to be crazy! I had had the good fortune of being able to stay home with my sons, and did not have a full time job until they were well into high school/college. That said, my days, 24/7, were kids, kids, kids!! (What fun :)). My oldest is in grad school, youngest is a junior in college. Because my youngest plays a sport, my husband and I are still very much involved in his life. So even though they are older and just about on their own, we continue to enjoy the ride. You and your wife have so much ahead of you--I only wish I were just beginning!!

[ladyL]

I was at a Bible study this week, in the home of a super mom who has 5 children which intimidates the heck out of me, mother of 1. But low and behold, she got her comeuppance :) when a young couple (44 yrs. old) came to the study this week who have ELEVEN children. Now that's what I call WOW!!!

[mabelkitty]

LOL! I'll keep my out for it.

[floridavoter2]

Just wanted to say thanks for your post. I'm sure lots of families are targets of the culture war. I know cuz I'm 7th of 10 kids. But believe me, you and your family also provoke envy among many who don't even realize its envy they're feeling. So many grow up unloved and/or ignored for the most part and would have loved to come from a family of 5 like yours. Anyway, congrats on #5!

[hoosierpearl]

If I can share an after he was born story. My oldest was born and my husband was nervous about everything. It was summer, hot outside and air conditioning inside. We are visiting my mother in law and getting ready for church. I dress the baby and have a blanket on him [it's cold in the air conditioning]. My husband says, take it off he's going to sweat and be too hot. [Can't have my son too hot.]
Mother in law looks at the baby and says, he's cold, wrap him up.
It goes on like that for about 15 minutes, put it on, take it off, put it on take it off. So I get the two of them together and complain [work it out between you before you tell me what to do].
We make it to church, walk in the building, [I can't remember if the blanket was on or off] and some sweet grandmotherly someone says he's too cold/he's too hot. I blew up at her. Then told her what had happened with husband and mother in law. She was hurt, "I was only trying to help.'

Every time I walked into a grocery store with my child I had a blanket nearby [air conditioning] and it never failed that someone would comment on the blanket [he's too hot] or lack of blanket [it's cold in here].
You can't win. You have to do what you believe in, and you learn along the way.

[Bartholomew Roberts]

We had our son in Sweden 3 years ago. Her, me and a midwife in a basically empty room. She took nitrous oxide (laughing gas) as her choice of pain relief. No epidural was offered, nor was a c section.

Her choices were hot tub delivery, massage therapy, saltwater injections into her groin, nothing, or NO2. She chose the NO2.

She just acted drunk for a few hours and it wasn't too bad. I doubt the Swedes are into pain any more than Americans. They are just not wusses about it. Apparently childbirth hurts but not any more than a human is capable of enduring.