The Male Perspective on (ugh) Commitment (Dave Barry)(LOL)

Maimi Herald ^ | Ma5.6, 2005 | Dave Barry

[nuconvert]

The male perspective on (ugh) commitment

BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 25, 1991.)

Today, in our continuing series on How Guys Think, we address the painful issue of: Why Guys Won't Make Commitments.

The fundamental question is: How can a guy say he's ''not ready'' to make a permanent commitment to a woman with whom he is obviously compatible; a woman with whom he has been intimate for years; a woman who once drove HIS dog to the veterinarian in HER new car when it (the dog) started regurgitating violently after eating an entire birthday cake, including candles, that SHE made from scratch for HIM (the guy), the result being that her car will smell like a stadium restroom for the next five years, at the end of which this guy will probably still say he's ''not ready''? And how come the same guy was somehow capable, at age 7, of committing himself to a lifelong, passionate, win-or-lose relationship with the Kansas City Royals, who have never so much as sent him a card?

I bring this issue up because of a letter I received from a woman named Suzanne, who's in love with a guy named Gary. Recently, after a two-year relationship, Gary told Suzanne that he felt -- this is classic guy thinking -- they should either break up or get married, and naturally, being ''not ready,'' he stopped seeing her. So now Suzanne, according to her letter, is depressed to the point of ``lunging at any chocolate within 20 feet.''

''Dave,'' she writes, 'I don't understand why some men seem to have more access to automatic teller machines than to their own emotions. Gary reads your column, so could you please write a piece about the myth of `hearing bells'; or why guys hate to give up their freedom; or how some guys wouldn't know a good wife if she hit him on the head with her diaphragm.''

Suzanne also asked me to ''hide subliminal messages in the column'' to encourage Gary to make a commitment.

Of course, as a professional journalist, I would never resort to psychological trickery (Gary! Marry Suzanne!). But I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness.

This is natural behavior. (Give her a ring, Gary!) Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get Married, Some Single Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You. Married guys assume that unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement involving Jacuzzis full of international fashion models, whereas, for most unmarried guys the climax of the typical evening is watching ''America's Most Alarming Criminals'' while eating onion dip straight from the container. This is also true of married guys, but statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.

Single guys rarely achieve this level of domesticity, which is why they are unhappy. I base this statement on my bachelor friend Randall. At one time he and I were bachelors together in an apartment furnished entirely with piles of laundry and a rabbit who drank beer. This was a stimulating period in my life, characterized by a great deal of personal growth and exploration and illegal naked swimming. But eventually I wisely settled down and got married, whereas Randall never did. So I called him to confirm that he is now experiencing a painful void in his life.

''Randall,'' I said. ``There must be a painful void in your life caused by a lack of intimacy and commitment.''

''No there's not,'' said Randall.

(Don't listen to him, Gary!)

Of course, Randall was only making a brave effort to hide his deep-rooted anguish.

''Randall,'' I said. ``There is no need to hide your deep-rooted anguish.''

''What?'' said Randall.

(Men have been getting married for millions of years, Gary! Don't break the chain!)

Randall's pathetic self-delusion is typical of noncommitted guys. (Raymond L. Wombert, of Toledo, Ohio, broke the chain, and the next day he was hit by a cement truck!) We can only hope that, as men learn to get more in touch with their feelings, they will overcome this foolish fear of vulnerability and realize the benefits of meaningful commitment. (Suzanne may have already won $10 million in the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes!)

I myself have been married for 2,368 years, and can state without hesitation that every single day has been more exciting and romantic than the one before. (My wife reads this column.)

[GoLightly]

I thought it was funny.

There are too many guys who have been burnt, cuz they made a bad choice. Marry someone who is high maintenance, you're only looking for trouble. Course, they'll tell you "the system" is much of the cause of their misery, cuz it enable the b!tch to take him to the cleaners...

My Stepbrother told me he'd met someone & he was thinking of getting married, but they were holding off because she would lose her alimony. First I asked him why he thought it was okay to let this other guy support the woman he was with. He told me they were doing it out of financial necessity, cuz he was poor from paying child support. Johnny, if she'd do it to her ex, she'd do it to you. A couple of days later he told me the marriage was off. :o)

[JoeSixPack1]

My My how the rules have changed. --- :-)

If You Wanna Be Happy
Jimmy Soul

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall.
As soon as he marries her
Then she starts to do
The things that will break his heart.
But if you make an ugly woman your wife,
You'll be happy for the rest of your life,
An ugly woman cooks her meals on time,
She'll always give you peace of mind.

Don't let your friends say
You have no taste,
Go ahead and marry anyway,
Though her face is ugly,
Her eyes don't match,
Take it from me she's a better catch.

Say man.
Hey baby.
Saw your wife the other day.
Yeah?
Yeah, she's ugly.
Yeah, she's ugly but she sure can cook.
Yeah?. Okay.

[missyme]

And you believe this?:)

[JoeSixPack1]

Wait, I'm thinking................

[SauronOfMordor]

Realisticly, his lack of desire for commitment was understandable. In his current uncommited state, he had all the advantages of a married relationship (sex and companionship) with none of the down side (claim against his assets and income in the event of divorce). Plus the girlfriend had to work at the relationship in order to keep him interested (which often goes away once she has him say "I do")

Women don't understand guys at all. You'll have a girl asking the guy "Don't you want the relationship to grow?", when as far as he's concerned it's already in its ideal state.

[Capriole]

The promiscuity of the modern female makes marriage a very dubious proposition indeed. Who the heck wants to marry a girl that’s had more sleeping partners than a bed at the Motel 6? Not me that’s for sure. I’d rather die a cold and lonely death than marry a skank–Paul Craig Roberts produced a magnificent column on this phenomenon a few years ago. I’ve never understood the argument that “all their experiences make them good in bed” either. If they’re attractive, how good do they have to be? If you ask me, no amount of tricks she’s learned can make up for huge “Tyrone” that her ex-boyfriend had tattooed upon her back (and he was smart enough not to marry her). Another huge factor to me is the obesity epidemic. While I acknowledge that its not really an epidemic by most definitions, weight increases seem to heavily effect married women.

He makes an excellent point here. No decent man really wants to marry a skank, however hot-looking she is, particularly knowing that she may be dragging a lot of microscopic flora around with her and mentally comparing his performance to that of the late lamented Tyrone.

He's right about the obesity, too. Somehow the majority of non-British foreign women manage motherhood without eating anything that can't outrun them. But that is a discussion for another thread.

I guess the author is right. There is no reason for a man to marry anymore. American men can just have sex with women and then move on to the next naive candidate who will give him sex in hopes that she will be the one who can entice him into marriage. And where does that sad sequence leave us all when we are eighty-five? Quite alone, in our separate rooms in the Medicaid nursing home.

[SauronOfMordor]

But I agree some women are more 'High Maintenance" than others

I have a friend who got divorced last year from such a "high-maintenance" type. The short answer to "why is she high maintenance?" is "because she CAN be". In a society where she knows she will come out on top in any divorce, she had no incentive to try to be anything else.

Forty years ago, the courts may have been just as biased against men as they are now, but that was tempered with the realization that a guy who was pushed too far could just disappear and start over again elsewhere. Today's database-driven society precludes such easy escape

There is a risk to letting the situation get much worse (and the disgruntlement is not limited to guys on this forum -- the women just have the opportunity to hear what guys really think when we talk among ourselves). The risk is that more guys will just say "the hell with it". At some point women should rent the movie "Fight Club" to get a picture of how guys get when they get alienated from society sufficiently to just let it all crash down and laugh.

A while back, I wrote an essayWas Patriarchy a Women's Scheme to Control Men? on the subject of what motivates men to connect up with women

[missyme]

There is a trade off in marraige between two spouses, you need to know or try and find out what is important in your marraige what does your husband truly want from you? and what does a woman want from her husband to keep both parties happy. IMHO most men would appreciate a wife that cooks for him appreciates what he does for her and would be happy if she did a lap dance for him once in awhile..LOL.

[missyme]

As my best friend's grandmother said at 80..(And she looked good for her age, very attractive) Anyways I aksed her, do you think you will ever get married again?
She said "Oh Heck No" "A Man of My age is either looking for a nurse or your purse" haha..

[sauropod]

read later

[Boxsford]

jeez, to be so cynical over a dave barry column....
Try to remember....this is comedy. A humor break.

nuconvert..thanks for the ping.

[RaceBannon]

Hey, she is a cutie, and she has an Aussie accent,too?

[RaceBannon]

I am not sure whether to comment at all!!

[Enterprise]

She might be an Aussie who wants to get married. She runs around saying "mate" all the time.

[bitjuglr]

Would it be possible, in lieu of a prenup which may do little to the settlement, to sign a contract that says a majority of the guest list of the wedding must agree to any divorce settlement?

 

Sam,

 

I like your premise. Isn’t there a line in the opening of the ceremony where the pastor or judge says something like, "before God and these guests"?

 

These people are getting a free show and probably a decent party at the conception (or is it reception, always get mixed up on that one) afterwards. Don’t they owe something to the marrying couple? It would seem to me that the vows were made to the entire assemblage of people; shouldn’t a few of them approach the divorcing couple and tell them that their promises/vows will no longer be considered valid from that point on. Better yet, take away their lines of credit – if you give up on a spouse that you promised to love and cherish “till death do you part” then how could you possibly be trusted with a frivolous thing like an auto loan?

[Askel5]

Barry's a riot.

The fact men are absolutely correct not to marry (and avoid absolutely the male-only responsibility for conception) is not funny in the least.

Women are stupid.

[cjshapi]

As I was reading this in the Sunday paper yesterday I was wondering how to ping you....

[Askel5]

The game is wholly stacked against men.


That's the really tragic thing about their being so hopped on the plethora of pornographic in prime-time, strippers at the edge of every podunk town and the center of every city and the understanding that women have a diaphragm (or some such assurance of "no strings") with which to beat them over the head.

Suckers.

I really wish I could laugh ... but it's too sad for words. Soon enough -- one hopes -- women will overcome this need for kids in the first place and couples who decide to procreate will just purchase More Perfect specimens ... as the GOP envisioned back in 1969.

[Junior]

I was afraid of commitment because of the straightjackets and rubber walls. Then I discovered they gave away lithium...

[Askel5]

=== Once they've had enough of you, they take half your stuff and personal savings,all done with a sense of entitlement and court orders, of course.



Mais oui! And why not? After all, we're talking about Wimmen ... the only human beings who get to decide whether or not their kid's a human or a clump of tissue.

Eve's got it going on, now that she noshes as a rule on the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, Human or Sub-human.

It's to the credit of men, I think, that any still get married given the way the government has studiously emasculated and disenfranchised them courtesy of self-centered, incompetent and dupliticious women.