Posted on 02/11/2005 9:38:27 PM PST by Salvation
Code: ZE05012901
Date: 2005-01-29
Home Alone -- and Unhappy
Reflections on the State of U.S. Children
STANFORD, California, JAN. 29, 2005 (Zenit.org).- Concern over problems facing the younger generation is nothing new. A recent book, however, links juvenile difficulties with another controversial subject: changes in family structures.
Commentator and author Mary Eberstadt, a part-time research fellow at Stanford University's Hoover Institution, argues that for some years now there has been an "historically unprecedented experiment in family-child separation in which the United States and other advanced societies are now engaged."
In her recent book, "Home-Alone America," Eberstadt explains that there have been two main causes of the "empty-parent home": the explosion in divorce and the number of children born to single parents; and working motherhood, or what she terms the absent-mother problem. A third factor of lesser importance is the absence of grandparents due to geographical separation, and the reduced number of siblings.
Eberstadt sidesteps the debate over the merits or demerits of the changes in family structures and concentrates on examining what is happening with children and adolescents. Her thesis is that in recent years children have spent less and less time in the company of their parents, and simultaneously many measures of their well-being have declined. This is no mere coincidence, she maintains.
For starters, the author analyzes day care for infants. Numerous studies and books focus on the effects of leaving babies in child-care centers while their mothers go off to work. Some maintain there are positive results in terms of higher academic achievement, while others point to emotional damage that can have dire consequences for character development.
Sudden impact
Instead of trying to discern what may happen 20 years down the line, Eberstadt focuses on the more immediate impact on infants. Babies left in institutional care, for instance, are far more likely to get sick due to being exposed to all the other children. And an increase in aggression among children who are left in child-care centers is well documented, she argues. Overall, Eberstadt concludes that packing children off to day care will make them unhappy. She further contends that parents who rationalize about this phenomenon, end up less sensitive to their kids' needs.
Teen violence is rising too. Eberstadt pointed out that many of the most publicized cases in recent years, such as the 1999 killings at Columbine High School and the 2003 sniper attacks around Washington, D.C., involved adolescents who spent most of their time without any parental contact.
She quickly admits that having two attentive parents is no ironclad guarantee of decent character, but "not having them can turn out to be disastrous." Substance abuse, suicide and violent behavior are just some of the social indicators that have dramatically worsened in recent decades, and Eberstadt points the finger at absent parents as one of the main causes.
The discipline situation in some schools has meant that teachers are forced into the role of virtual U.N. peacekeepers, she contends. And many of the most feral children come from single-parent backgrounds or households where the adults are out working all the time.
Mental health
The number of children and teen-agers diagnosed with mental disorders has exploded in recent years, noted Eberstadt. A January 2001 report by the U.S. surgeon general spoke of a "public crisis in mental care" this age group. Dealing with attention deficit disorder, hyperactivity, obsessive compulsions, along with the daily administrations of behavior-altering drugs, is now a daily fact of life for many families.
Chaotic home environments, absent parents and trauma caused by divorce in many cases can be factors contributing to mental health problems suffered by children. The causes of psychological problems are complex. But they are due in part argues Eberstadt, citing some studies -- to the emotional response of the disappearance from children's lives of protecting parents and a stable home environment.
Then, too, the "cures" offered through pharmaceuticals such as Ritalin and Prozac bring with them a series of side effects. And too infrequently is there talk about the risks of over-prescribing such psychotropic medications, Eberstadt observes.
Primal scream
In another chapter Eberstadt draws on the teen music scene to gain an insight into adolescent concerns. Lamentations centering on divorce and broken homes are finding an ever-more popular reception among young listeners. Even rap singers, long known for extolling violence and misogyny, complain about the lack of decent family life.
The singer Eminem -- a target of lesbian groups, feminists and conservative family organizations alike -- is one of the clearest examples of this tendency. Along with vulgar language and the exaltation of sex and violence, "he returns repeatedly to the same themes that fuel other success stories in contemporary music: parental loss, abandonment, abuse, and subsequent child and adolescent anger, dysfunction and violence."
Eberstadt finds here an important difference with the preceding generation. Baby-boomer music was characterized by rebellion against what was considered as an overly protective parental presence and authority. By contrast, "Today's teen-agers and their music rebel against parents because they are not parents, not nurturing, not attentive, and often not even there."
Teen-age sex
Other consequences of parental absence are the rise in teen sexual activity and sexually transmitted diseases. Eberstadt notes that sexual activity begins earlier when adolescents' lives are effectively out of any parental control.
Yet the mere presence of parents in the lives of children isn't enough, argues another author. Kay Hymowitz, in her 2003 book, "Liberation's Children," insists that adults must also provide children with instruction on how to live. Hymowitz, a journalist, says that today's adolescents have absorbed from the surrounding culture an ethos of "nonjudgmentalism."
Too often, she notes, parents have left aside their traditional role of instructing their offspring in values and concentrate on being their "housemates and friends." The consequences are nefarious. Without any education in the limits of human nature, teens are left to "stumble into experiences" that all too often spiral out of their control.
In the past it was assumed that children would receive a basic moral education that was learned as part of family life. But in recent decades many theories of child rearing espoused the need to let kids act naturally and without any constraints.
Along with this, many Americans have been imbued with the idea that to create an "authentic self" complete autonomy is needed in beliefs, opinions and choices in life. Thus, teaching children how to behave becomes forbidden and parents are transformed from figures of authority "into facilitators, cheerfully escorting the child's own unique self into maturity."
Every society, argues Hymowitz, needs to civilize its new generations by means of some form of education. Unfortunately, the values that predominate today are those of tolerance and open-mindedness, which, albeit laudatory at times, "cannot help the young person to build a self." Liberation's children, Hymowitz notes, "live in a culture that frees the mind and soul by emptying them."
Eberstadt, at the end of her book, turns to the question of what can be done to remedy these problems. She maintains that it would be much better if parents were to spend more time with their children. Hymowitz agrees with this same idea, but makes clear that forming children in basic moral values is also an essential part of parenting. How to bring about these changes remains a difficult, but urgent, task.
God bless you.
**especially during the middle and high school years.**
This was the time I became most active in my children's school lives; president of the local parents' group at the local middle school. Attending all the high school functions!
My kids, at the time, weren't always happy about me hanging around all the time. But now they thank me for exactly that and knowing what was going on with them during these volatile days of middle and high school.
My kids, at the time, weren't always happy about me hanging around all the time. >>
Having mom around tends to be a drag when you're a teenager. It's too bad more moms don't take more of an interest in their children.
I use this argument all the time when discussing home schooling. The first thing they say is that the children need to be with each other for proper socialization skills, etc. NOT,
It's the last thing the kids need, how do most kids turn BAD and pick up BAD habits, from their peers while socializing. There's a lot of dead kids and adults, kids in jails, kids addicted to cigarettes and drugs.
All because of their peers and peer pressure due from the socialization process.
Funny, George Washington and most of our forefathers, Abraham Lincoln and most Americans came out just fine without public schools and peers.
I am a stay at home dad as well. My wife's career was doing better than my own, so for the sake of the kids I decided to stay home full time.
I think stay at home dads are the key to true equality in the workforce. Most women I know recognize this, and applaud our lifestlye. Men are a bit suspicious, like "why does he get to stay home while I have to work these insane hours."
I know a few stay at home dads, a couple who even homeschool. I think its great that you chose such a nontraditional career for your children...they grow up so much more content and self-assured when they have someone at home who's always there.
What I always find interesting is the approach that children are happier when mom is more "fulfilled" or "happier" by working. Same rationale for many divorces... from my own observation, I can say with great certainty that my two children are happy with me at home and my personal fulfillment or professional satisfaction is below zero on their list of priorities! They just want mommy, and how lucky I feel to be here with them.
It's hard to express exactly what it's like to grow up in the virtual absence of parents, or any trustworthy authority figure at all, for that matter.
What is the area of study?
Interesting! I thought you were going to say something related to "liberal arts". :-) And good for your friend!
Oh, your last line just breaks my heart and it is true...so true. Can't imagine sending my child to school ill because I had a "social" commitment.
That's becuase you welcome them into your home and you help and care for them and while there they feel safe and secure. Not to mention "happy." Good for you. Keep up the good work.
Mommy...oh how I love that word. Yes, you are lucky to be there with them and nothing else matters to them in this world except Mommy being with them. You know it's important. The kids feel it but don't know why. Doesnt' matter...the important thng is they love having you there.
I had a girlfriend who home schooled her son. He wanted to attend their church school to socialize. So she sent him. To his horrors, he was not allowed to visit freely with any of the students in the class room. They had to be quiet in the halls and in the lunch room. He hated it and wanted to come back home to study. His dad left him their for a full 9 weeks.
Kassie, have you rented the movie "Mean Girls"? It is a silly movie, but begins with a girl who has always been home schooled, enrolling in HS - there is a funny bit where she gets up to go to the bathroom without permission........ lol
We were not allowed to socialize in the classroom either AFTER classes began but...homeroom was another story. Could, talk, laugh move around. Silence in the halls and so forth was what we had too. It didn't kill us. It taught us discipline.
Yes, I rented that movie. That was a cute part...
Many parents don't accept that their child could do anything wrong and won't admonish or punish their child - it demeans, further, the authority of the teacher and just snowballs until the teachers/principals have absolutely NO control over many of the students -
I remember being terrified of the Principal! lol
Yes, we had discipline. We could raise heck and laugh before the first bell. Then it was all quiet on the western front (eastern front for me). We walked to lunch in silence, stood there until prayer was said, then we were able to laugh, talk etc. while eating lunch. When the whistle blew...everyone was silent. Whistle blew again and we walked silently back to our classes once again but...only AFTER everyone in the cafeteria pused their chairs back into the table
We lived our lives by "clickers" or "whistles." You know, it's sad today that people are so touchy and defensive. When we took a test, we were not only graded for the test answers themselves but also for grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. It all came off your score.
In the lunchroom and walking to the lunchroom in silence it wasn't just the no talking ... it was attention and discipline that they were enforcing. We KNEW when we heard that whistle it was time to get up as lunch was over. So, it taught us to PAY ATTENTION!!!
The silence meant order and calm which is greatly needed in our day and time. It all made sense plus...we used to laugh about it and giggle with friends about it. It didn't hurt us one bit. Between the good manners, teachings, love and respect we were taught at home by our parents then again at school, we all grew up just fine. Our basics came from our home and parents first...then were just reenforced in school.
Don't know what all the fuss is about today. Money I guess. Sue the teacher, school, school district. It really and truly turns my stomach. The kids today don't know discipline.
My husband, brother and son all adjusted smoothy to the military way of life becuase before they ever even arrived at basic training they knew what respect for rules and respect for authority was...because parents taught those ideals to them all the while they were growing up.
God help the kids today. I feel very sorry for a lot of them. Seriously. They only know $$$$, themselves and what's in it for me. Not all but...a good deal. Very sad.I wish they could experience the simple life, values and morals we were raised with so many years ago.
You probably surmised we attended Catholic school. We used to laugh behind the good Sister's backs too but I tell ya, we would have defended them with our lives too because they were good people. Kept in touch with three of them until they all passed.
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