Posted on 01/03/2005 11:09:50 AM PST by Lokibob
My wife, Gretchen, is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Gretchen. The occasion was our 14th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out-way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog , Moscow, looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Moscow) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Moscow for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Barb to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way-trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Moscow looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. (Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Moscow was standing over me making barking sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution.)
There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly. SON-OF-A-BIT%CH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back!
AMIGO DON'T EVER DO THIS!
He put the collar around his neck and ran through the barrier.
Knocked him off his feet - unfortunately since he was still in range it kept zapping him. My daughter's friend heard his screams and ran outside and turned the switch box off.
When you ask little boys "what were you THINKING?" the answer is always a blank stare.
No doubt he will grow up to do something like this. If he lives long enough.
Mu face hurts from laughing do hard.
You know a story is funny if you know exactly what's going to happen and it still cracks you up!
Wow, what is it like when you are drinking and not thinking clearly?
Well, he hasn't done the other thigh yet....
Amigo, you've got rocks in your head.
Just damn!
Labs are tougher than you think.
Hey, not me, I got the letter in an email.
I would NEVER do that to my dog, or the collar, for that matter. Why do you have one???
There are also strange people who hold bottle rockets with their bum cheeks and light the fuses. I run when I see them coming!!! You can always spot them by the funny way they walk.
The feminine nomenclature keeps changing...
Gretchen...Barb...Toni?
Sounds like he's got some MORE 'splainin to do...
When I was a tad about 10, I bet my brother he wouldn't pee on the electric fence.
He still hasn't forgiven me (and that was 49 years ago).
We used to party in a farmers field, and there was always some drunk that fell in the fire.
Some of us have been lucky enough to still belong to that club, others, sadly, are not. For the rest of us who's "fancy is easily tickled" and the urge to "go where no man has gone before" can become overwhelming, myself included, it's only a matter of time.
A must read ping.
Lando 
I trained mine to force fetch without the collar, but once we started working at a distance I had to get one.
Very rarely have to actually key it up though, and only on a very low setting. She's too smart to get zapped too often (usually now only when a squirrel crosses her path. That's just too great a temptation to resist.)
I'm not sure if I really believe this post, but I can relate a story.
My neighbor asked me to walk their dog while they were away. I had to remove the invisible dog fence thing from the dog collar when we left the property so the dog wouldn't get shocked. Needless to say, the second we crossed the property, the prongs on the dog collar (now in my right hand) delivered an electrical jolt through me!!!
I guess I was thinking it only worked on dogs!!! It certainly gave me a big jump and a bit of embarassement.
No way! Show me.
Honorable [survivor] mention....
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