Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Heh.... one of the more selfish reasons I almost wish I were having kids, is so the terrible parents in my life would see for themselves that I know what I am talking about :~D
Children never want to hear they are an accident. Accident implies unwanted.
I prefer to say "unscheduled" but wanted.
just my $0.02.
It doesn't bother me. I just find it odd that my firends think I care what their kids look like at Christmas. I would just as soon get a nativity scene or something.
Society reward the institution not the individual. Institutions do not get measured by the anecdotal exception that proves the rule.
And God told you this directly? You have an insight into The Almighty's thoughts and desires? He came down to you and expressed His Divine Displeasure about somehow forcing those who do not feel the self-centered urge to make a half-harted stab at some sort of immortality?
Insolent, Self-Rightous, Blasphemous and Sanctimonious!
Accident implies unwanted.
___________________________________________________________
It sure does, doesn't it? I prefer the term surprise. Then again, I like surprises. :)
You've posted many reasons to not have children....and top on the list seems to be your horse. BTW, you refered to having a child as a "whim" in that post. I let that one go because I obviously don't have much in common with you....and gave you my best wishes anyway. If that's not enough for you, then that's just too bad.
Another one of those mythical internet beasts.
The purpose of Mr. Wolf in writing this article is to equate the couple who DECIDES to not have children with the homosexual marriage which can never produce a child.
This tempest in a teapot is what homoadvocate Wolf wants. There is a very big difference between a man and a woman who make a conscious decision not to have a child within a marriage vs a homosexual couple which will never produce a child together.
A married normal couple deciding not to have a child still promotes the institution of marriage vs the sodomite couple which is seeking to base a marriage on mere fetish based orgasm.
a simple search of Mr. Wolf past articles establishes this propaganda.
I see no reason to condem the couple who decides to have no children any more than I would condemn the couple that has one child instead of twenty children.
We should be focusing on keeping marriage as the institution where this decision shall continue to exist. We must oppose any American Bar Association efforts to remove the child/no child issue from marriage as an insititution.
You're only 36! Based on the thoughtfulness of your posts, I thought you were a lot older and worldliwise.
By the time you get to be my age, you'll be a friggin' genius (like me). : )
Here's a question for unmarried women in their 30s - any thought to adopting older children?
The Bible says that God is love. Therefore, you know love when you know God.
It does not say that you will know love only if you have a child.
I certainly missed them. Can you provide a link? Thanks in advance...
See 226
I didn't say childrearing was a whim, I was saying it wasn't something I should just up and decide to do on advice from a stranger on a message board. My husband and I have made a lot of agreements about our life, and it would be mighty unfair to turn that all upside down lightly, don't you think?
You don't read very carefully, so I won't bother reasoned multi-point responses.
What happens when you marry into a family that treats you like some kind of disgusting babymaking machine as soon as you have a kid? Eeeew. What'd you go and do that for?
And everytime I read an article like this it reminds me of the parents I have to counsel today about how their kid got arrested for this or how the kid got caught with drugs at school, or how the did now live at their home with his seperated life with their 3 kids and we are "supporting them again" and on and on and on. Yep, some people who had kids should never have had them and many who didn't probably should have.
UH, bad news for you, most couples, who are not having children are educated, and conservative and practice birth control. Very bad news for you.
I am beginning to think that the most selfish, arrogant, self-righteous people in our society are parents.
Look at what some people are posting here. That people without kids are selfish, liberal, bad for society, and living outside of God's will.
You say that the primary purpose of marriage is procreation? God created Eve for Adam, because "it was not good for Adam to be alone." So the primary purpose of marriage is companionship. God did not say that "it was not good for Adam to be without children."
Plus, what would you say to people who are unable to have children? Has God cursed them? Why would he make it impossible for them to do his will, if having children is his will?
I think parents call childfree couples "selfish" because they are convinced that they themselves are saints. After all, doesn't staying up all night feeding a baby make you more spiritual? Isn't it oh so giving to take your kids to soccer practice every day? Doesn't it make you a better citizen if you give up your retirement savings to send your kids to college? Come on now, let's all bow down to the almighty parent and give them a medal for their selfless, saintly sleepless nights!
Perhaps parents can't admit to themselves that it's okay NOT to have kids. Because if they thought it was okay, then maybe they would have chosen not to have them. But, shhhh! we can't be thinking thoughts like that now, can we?
My God does not tell people they have to get married, and that being single is less spiritual. He does not tell people they have to have kids if they don't want to. He does not only use people who have kids to fulfull his divine purposes. So, I hope you're happy with your God. I sure am happy with mine.
Who knows she could have had an Alex P. Keaton type of kid
I wish no one invented Birth control.. Trying to convince wife to start a family. She is being stubborn. She wants to wait however she is 33 and will turn 34 next month.. Time is a wasting...
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