Posted on 08/02/2004 5:49:37 AM PDT by BluegrassScholar
Edited on 08/02/2004 10:43:46 AM PDT by Admin Moderator. [history]
Carrie is 2 years old, with curly brown hair and Windex-blue eyes. In a still-life portrait, she would be adorable. In three dimensions, she's a cross between a Gerber baby and the Tasmanian devil. Bang. Bang, bang, bang, and bang and bang.
That's the noise of the plastic water cup she is whacking against the ceramic-topped table of a neighborhood coffeehouse whose concrete floors function like an echo chamber. If she had a hammer she would have destroyed the table by now, and I'm pretty sure her parents would've let her. People look up from their lattes, squint at the diminutive figure making the big, ear-splitting noise, and try to continue with their newspapers or conversations. The banging goes on for a good 10 minutes. Normally, I would say something -- I'm not shy about these things -- but I'm curious to know just how long her parents, with whom I'm having coffee, will let this go. The answer: Indefinitely. They don't even seem to notice. Maybe they're just used to it?
On some primal level, Carrie must be offended that she's not the center of attention. There is anger in her banging, along with what I read as malice. As she grows even more restive, her father lowers her to the floor. Still clutching the cup, Carrie crawls through the room, pounding on the concrete floor as she goes along, giving everyone an up-close earful of her drum solo.
A few weeks later, I'm at a party, mostly adults with a few kids sprinkled in, among them the volcanically unruly 5-year-old son of a friend. As I squat down to greet him, he responds by biting me in the arm, leaving teeth marks through a shirt and a sweater. I am just about to spank his little behind when I realize I'm in dangerous territory. People go to jail for that these days.
You sound like a good Mom. Thought this would be an interesting read for you.
I have a 2-1/2 yr old, a 14 mo. old, and another due any minute now. All girls. I admit, I struggle. I've used various methods with my oldest, from time out to swatting on the butt to 1-2-3 (which like some of you, I was using before I realized it was even a "method", ha-ha). One thing I have learned is that consistency is the key -- consistency of both consequences to bad behavior as well as consistency of environment. We get up about the same time each day, have meals together about the same time, and have a fairly set routine of bathtime-book time-bedtime. It seems to me that those parents who don't keep a somewhat predictable pattern to their child's day have a more difficult time than I do with discipline. This isn't to say I don't have issues, but it seems plain that "discipline" is more than just some magic word or action that you pull out when your kid misbehaves. It really encompasses the examples you set, the environment you provide, and the overall expectation you have of your child.
Ever heard the saying "I was a much better parent before I had kids." I try to remember that a tantrum I see for 5 minutes in the grocery store doesn't necessarily equate to someone's entire discipline philosophy. You never know when you're just seeing a bad 5 minutes. I've had bad moments in public; I've had other times when people will compliment by daughter's "perfect behavior." I've had friends ask me for advice on how to deal with their toddlers, this after I might have had what seems to be one of the frustrating days ever! I don't know.... consistency seems to be key, overall.
My favorite was (and still is) "Shut up/behave/put that down/pick that up/insert order here, or I will smack you so hard, your name will swell."
I'm finding restaurants right here in Houston that allow well-behaved dogs to accompany their people to dinner, on the outside patio of course.
My ridiculous horror story is a 2 yr old who wouldn't quit honking the horn of the car so they disconnected the horn instead of telling him no.
We're regularly embarrassed (sometimes mortified) by their antics. We administer more discipline (including spankings) than any parent(s) that we know of.
To add much needed perspective for us: We're complimented by almost every parent that our kids are amongst the most well behaved children they know. My mom laughs and tells me how our son acts exactly like I did at that age.
I think in the long run it will benefit our children that my wife and I were late in life children of Great Depression era parents and we had our children later in life.
And being a 43 year old, keeping up with kids that age, will either keep you young or kill you!
My twins are/were bears.
My son has always been great.
The only thing is that both of them almost died when they were little. They both had speech problems. One started talking at 3 and the other is still not talking well at almost 8. The one has severe speech problems because of brain damage.
There were many stores that I walked out of because of a screaming child. The one with severe speech problems didn't talk (except for a few words) until she was 4 1/2. At 4 1/2 she finally learned how to say "I want....". At first, I gave in everytime. She'd say "I want a cookie." I would be so excited that she talked that I gave her a cookie. Well, after a few months of this, I realized I was creating a monster, and I started saying no.
One day we were at a restaurant and she wanted a soda. I didn't want her having one, and I said no. She totally lost it. She's was a big girl, and I couldn't just scoop her up and carry her like you do with a 2 year old having a tantrum. I dragged her out of the restaurant. I had to restrain her by straddling her because she was running into the parking lot. I think she screamed for 20 minutes there. I finally got her to our car, and she screamed for another 30 minutes. She wouldn't stay buckled in her booster seat. I had people calling her a brat. It was loads of fun.
That was the worst tantrum. We are definely past that stage.
We went to one psychologist who started mentioning medication right away. She also recommended this book "The Explosive Child". The book talked about getting children to communicate to keep them from tantruming. I would have (and still would) love to have my daughter be able to communicate fully with me.
My best advice to a parent with a troubled kid is to find one behavior that is horrible and fix that. That's been how I handled my daughter. I didn't focus on little things like the fact that she didn't pick up her toys. I focused on big things like running into the middle of the street without looking. I also made "no" mean "no". We walked out of restaurants, movies, and parks because of bad behavior. I never wanted my kids misbehavior to affect other people.
We still have a long way to go, and I am absolutely dreading the teenage years. At least, my daughter should be able to talk better by then.
bump later
We have already told our daughter that if she gets a tattoo, we are ALL going to get the same tattoo.
BTW, here's a story that usually upsets a few people. (but, my husband can be very abrupt, so...) A couple months ago my husband had stopped at Wal-Mart to grab a shirt, since he had other errands to run and didn't want to be in uniform the whole time. Going down one aisle he saw a 6 year old girl (not very little, either) climb up her mother, grab her by the collar and yell, "You're going to get me that toy NOW!!" The mother was either trying to reason or not do anything. As my husband passed he shook his head and said, "You really need to beat your kids more." (btw, he doesn't beat our kids, but he does discipline and definitely spanks when needed)
They are NOT your children and outside your realm. That is, however, your husband and you need to read him the riot act. Most of all, quit buying junk feed for the deadbeats. You are enabling them. Make it hard on them and they will leave.
When the elevator door opened, no one could get out until the ornery kid got out of the way. But despite being told to go, he balked -- so the mom gave him a little shove with her foot.
Immediately an outraged career-type woman huffed, "How dare you kick that child!" (It wasn't a "kick.")
I asked her if she had any kids. She didn't answer but I told her to lay off anyway.
That's exactly the lesson I learned, and it is what I should have done at the time. Last summer I called 9-11 when a different neighbor left her kids--the oldest was four--alone in her apartment for three hours. (The mother didn't come home until the next day.) The police arrived within five minutes of my calling and they immediately summoned CPS. There was no food in the house and all three kids were in diapers that were probably a day or two old. While the officers were waiting for CPS to arrive, the kids' aunt (who also lived in the apartment) showed up and basically said, "Its about time you people did something," as if she'd called for help and got none. She knew what was going on in the house and never did anything about it. To the best of my knowledge, the mother never tried to get custody of her children back.
Spankings don't work with all kids. You have to find the proper method. It's not as easy as it looks. Some kids don't mind a spanking, even if it hurts. But they can't stand to be alone/ignored.
Our daughter spent the night at the home of her girfriend. Both are 14. The next day, they called and said the girlfriend's parents were taking them to the mall. Okay by us.
We found out later that the parents didn't take her to the mall, they took her to her 15-y/o boyfriend's house (she's not permitted to date), where his mother left the two of them alone for several hours. I'll let your imaginations wander as to what too place while they were alone.
All parents involved in this little subterfuge knew full well they were violating our boundaries, did it anyway, and lied about it when we found out. Needless to say the list of friends our daughter can spend the night with has been shortened considerably.
I was in Walmart one time and a kid was having a fit. Suddenly, his father walked up, turned him around and gave him a swat on the butt that ended the tirade. A woman walking next to me turned to her friend and said "That man just struck that child". I responded to her amazement "The child was choking on something".
Some people are such busybodies. Bet they're all 'Rats.
I'm sure their rationale for lying was "Well, they are too strict. They should let their daughter live a little". Translation: Our child is going to screw up and we are more comforted to see other children screwing up because it looks like it's not our fault.
My mother is all about this philosophy. She thinks all teens are like farm animals and we should just get used to it. No wonder we are all so screwed up.
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