[4mycountry]

Have fun, add your own! ^_~

[duckman]

At the local grocery store, I gave the cashier some Susan B Anthony coins as payment. She said we do not accept foreign currency at our store.

[RayBob]

When I was in college, I worked in the office services department of a law firm. We had a petty cash box full of change and the supervisor asked one of the girls to roll the change so that he could take it to the bank. She returned shortly thereafter, announcing that she had completed the task. The supervisor was impressed. He said, "Wow, you counted that change pretty quick!" To which the girl replied "Counted?"

[Publius]

A man had been picked up by police for investigation into a crime. The interrogating officer took a spaghetti collander, "connected" it by wire to a copier, put it on the suspect's head and began the interrogation.

After the first question, the officer hit the COPY button, and out came a piece of paper that said, "HE'S LYING".

The man confessed.

[Hatteras]

"I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car."

I know this actually happened to me in a Walmart parking lot. A young girl (17ish) and her friend in her parent's Expedition. She was pretty upset and I asked if she needed a hand. She explained that the battery must have died on her remote door unlock and she couldn't get in. I'm dead serious, it really happened.

[ElkGroveDan]

I used to work in a large retail store (like Target). I was covering the automotive department one day when a lady looking through the car wax aisle stopped me and asked if we had any elbow grease. I asked her what it was for and she said her husband told her it would take a can of turtlewax and an a whole lot of elbow grease to get her car looking good again.

[Lucas McCain]

I approached the large scale at the Publix grocery store to see how much I weighed. There was a woman already standing on the scale, with her husband standing nearby holding her purse. She was obviously disappointed when she looked at her weight and so she took off her shoes and held them in her hand, unable to understand why that didn't help. Her husband and I exchanged knowing glances as he told her he would explain it to her later.

[Blood of Tyrants]

I love to ask pretty young girls at the fast food resturaunts if they accept federal reserve notes as payment. Usually they don't have a clue and call their manager who is often as clueless as the eye candy is.

[evets]

I read this interview with a guy one time.

He didn't know what the meaning of the word 'is' is.

(What a dolt.)

[Hatteras]

My wife's nephew was visiting a few weeks ago and brought along a friend from New York City. We were driving somewhere when we passed a house with about a dozen goats out in the yard. The nephew's buddy asked, "What are those? Some kind of miniature cows?"

[grobdriver]

The Place: IBM Parking lot.
Woman pulls her Mercedes convertable into the lot across from me. Parks, gets out and starts to walk away.
Pauses, turns and holds out her remote. Points and pushes it with obvious effort. Looks at it, points and pushes it again.
Is apparently satisfied, turns and walks into the building having successfully locked her car.

The top was down.

[ladyjane]

I went to the local Sears-type store to get a replacement air filter for my furnace. I brought the old one (20" x 25") with me. I asked the nice young man where the air filters were. His eyes got big and he said: "Wow. What kind of car do you have?"

[Shooter 2.5]

This one may actually help someone.

A distraught woman asked for help as she sat in her car. She said her and her husband had just bought the car and she couldn't turn the key in the ignition. I noticed that her front left tire was in a small pot hole so I reached in and pulled the steering wheel over a little. Since the steering wheel is linked to the ignition, any stress pulling the wheels over will stop the key from turning. The stress was relieved by pulling the wheel and she was able to start the car.

[xJones]

click.

A true story out of San Francisco:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

3 more from San Francisco:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happed to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

Oklahoma City:

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

Detroit:

R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood.When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Colorado Springs:

Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Another from Detroit:

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Cigars and Insurance

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. the man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires". After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[alisasny]

just yesterday I had an interesting one...

A telemarketer called and asked for me, Lisa, but no last name. I said she is not here ( I normally say that to telemarkets just to get rid of them)

She then replied is her wife available.....

I said no and then just hung up..it was pretty funny.

[aruanan]

Someone in my lab told me that her sister was in a check-out line in a department store when some woman came back in looking for her cell phone. A guy in line pulled out his cell phone and asked her for her number. She just looked at him strangely and asked why she'd want to do that. A woman in line said, "So he can dial your cell phone number and you can hear it ring if you left it here in the store." The woman continued to look at the rest of the people as though they were nuts. She finally said she'd just go out and look in her car again.

[HHFi]

This page contains a bunch of stories like that, plus it's a blatant plug for my own book, "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers." Makes a great Fourth of July gift! Buy a bunch of copies and help me pay my electric bill!: http://www.comedy-wire.com/bookorderpage.html

[Rad_J]

When we were in high school, my sister came home well after midnight one night and said that she and a friend had just found out they had driven home on the wrong side of the road. I asked why she would drive on the wrong side of the road and she replied that there were no other cars around to show her which side to drive on.

Same sister: I once asked her if the wallpaper we were buying was 2 for the price of one. She looked at me like I was crazy and siad no, it's buy one get one free!

Same sister: She woke up one morning and started freaking out that her car was stolen. It turned out that she had driven it to the church the night before and then got a ride home from a friend.

[Normal4me]

I worked for a wood shop in 1982 that built magazine and bookshelving racks for grocery stores. We had so much work that we started a second 12 hour shift in which I was in charge. My crew did all of the painting and finishing and I always wore a spray sock and respirator for the duration.

One evening we had busted butt and were ahead of schedule so I went to the local store at 1:30 am to buy a case of beer for my loyal, hard working cohorts. Needless to say, I forgot to remove my spraysock (ski mask) and I was surrounded by 4 police officers before entering the store! The cashier had seen me pull up and locked the door while I counted up the money and called the cops. I explained my way out of it and they came to the shop to verify my story.

[whereasandsoforth]

The remote door unlock-thing happened to me. My car battery was down. I got upset for about 15 seconds wondering how I was going to get in my car. The door keypad wouldn't work either. I was scratching my head with the key. Oh, I felt like a fool. Then I chalked it up to being a spoiled luxury car-owner instead of being a total idiot.

[DeFault User]

People in the express lane at the store became impatient as the fellow in front of them kept looking through his pockets and fumbling around. The customer explained to the cashier that he had a coupon worth 50 cents somewhere. The folks waiting in line got more exasperated as this little drama played out. The customer searched through his pockets and wallet several times before finally finding the coupon. After his coupon was scanned and the cashier was paid, the irate folks in line recognized Bill Gates as he left the store.