Free Republic Smokers' Lounge

Good luck, Joe.

Hi Joe. Glad to see you are hard at work pleasing us smokers.

I just finished lunch. How about a nice cold beer to help with the digestion?

Any brand will do, but please, none of those sissy boy "light" beers.

Now, we all know there are laws ... all kinds of laws.

But some laws are more important than others.

So, here, for all in the Smokers' Lounge is a compilation of most of those more important laws. I would suggest saving it for future reference (I have).

It's the law:

Article I. Murphy's Laws

1.If anything can go wrong, it will.

2.If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.

3.If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

4.If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

5.Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

6.If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

7.Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

8.Mother nature is a bitch.

Article II. O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws

Murphy was an optimist.

Article III. Ginsberg's Theorems

1.You can't win.

2.You can't break even.

3.You can't even quit the game.

Article IV. Forsyth's Second Corollary to Murphy's Laws

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.

Article V. Weiler's Law

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Article VI. The Laws of Computer Programming

1.Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

2.Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.

3.If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

4.If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

5.Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.

6.The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.

7.Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Article VII. Pierce's Law

In any computer system, the machine will always misinterpret, misconstrue, misprint, or not evaluate any math or subroutines or fail to print any output on at least the first run through.

Article VIII. Corollary to Pierce's Law

When a compiler accepts a program without error on the first run, the program will not yield the desired output.

Article IX. Addition to Murphy's Laws

In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.

Article X. Brook's Law

If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set!

Article XI. Grosch's Law

Computing power increases as the square of the cost.

Article XII. Golub's Laws of Computerdom

1.Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.

2.A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.

3.The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.

4.Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Article XIII. Osborn's Law

Variables won't; constants aren't.

Article XIV. Gilb's Laws of Unreliability

1.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

2.Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable.

3.Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

4.Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Article XV. Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology

There's always one more bug.

Article XVI. Troutman's Postulate

1.Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers.

2.Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.

3.Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.

4.Interchangeable tapes won't.

5.If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.

6.If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.

Article XVII. Weinberg's Second Law

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Article XVIII. Gumperson's Law

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Article XIX. Parkinson's Law

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.

Article XX. Peter's Principle

In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetence.

----

And, so as to leave all with a smile, I give you........

TRIPLE SCOTCH

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch whiskey. The bartender pours him the drink and says, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After downing his drink, the guy says, "I got home and found my wife in bed having sex with my best friend."

"Wow" says the bartender, pouring the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downs his second triple scotch, the bartender asks him, "What did you do?"

The guy says, "I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to get the hell out."

The bartender says, "That makes sense -- but what about your best friend?"

The guy says, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ... 'BAD DOG!'"

OBL happens upon an old lamp half buried in the rubble of Tora Bora. He picks it up and rubs some of the dirt off and lo and behold a female genie appears.

"Oh master, what wish may I grant you for releasing me from the lamp," she sighs.

"Unclean female, be gone." answers the Taliban Toad.

"Oh please let me satisfy some some secret desire for you oh mighty warrior," cooed the shaplely genie.

"If you insist wench! When I wake tomorrow let there be three women in my bed and ready for action!" replied the curmudgeon OBL.

When he woke the next morning he found his bedmates to be Lorena Bobbit, Tanya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. He was missing his penis, had a broken kneecap, and discovered that he didn't have any health insurance.

Here, let me blow some air back into that balloon.

Thanks, Joe. I needed that. :)

Nope, I was just pining for the nice, sensuously soft jacket.

Sensuously soft.....

You mean like me?

;-)

PRECISELY!! I could just tell it was YOUR jacket!

BWWWAAAahahahahahahaha.....

I need one of those ashtrays :}

Can I do anything for your balloon, Miss She?

PRECISELY!! I could just tell it was YOUR jacket!

But of course, sweetie.........

Don't you just hate it when you have to beat men over the head to get a measly compliment from them? :^)

Don't you just hate it when you have to beat men over the head to get a measly compliment from them?

LOLOL

Is that what was happening?

Not really, it just occurred to me that if I had any couth and suavity I would have made the jacket-you comparison before this without the prompt. :^)

Not really, it just occurred to me that if I had any couth and suavity I would have made the jacket-you comparison before this without the prompt. :^)

Poor cupcake. Can't win them all.....

Hi y'all, another late start for me.

Busch&a Jose' Joe, if yer still here.

Gabz, I know you still have my lampshade, even tho you deny it...keep it, 'cause I just got a new one and am waiting for the halloween bash to bring it out.

FMCDH

Well, I'd better get some work done. See you later, Miss Sea!

If only this were possible. The first three of his 72 virgins! Hehehehehehehehehe!

See you later, sweetie.

Have a save trip - your granddad is still in my prayers.

Apparently the website from where I got that picture is a bar supply outfit in Breat Britain - just go to the main site on the link of the picture and maybe you can!!!