Tell Us What Kind Of Coffee Your Church Serves And We'll Tell You What Denomination You Are

Babylon Bee ^ | August 4, 2026 | Staff

[Twotone]

All churches that truly love Jesus serve coffee, but did you know that you can actually tell what denomination a church is by what coffee it serves?

Here are 17 different forms of caffeinated goodness and what church you'll find them in:

Dunkin' — Southern Baptist: Obviously.

Medium roast — Non-denominational: Smooth and palatable.

Grande Caramel Macchiato in a venti cup, upside down, with split milks, extra shots, and no top drizzle — some friggin' Acts 29 church: You know who they are.

Boba tea — the Korean church that meets after your church: So many Hondas in the parking lot.

Yuban, brewed last week — Catholic: Your penance begins now.

Same, but really watered down — Anglican: Mmm, delicious.

Tim Hortons — Oh no, you're not at a Church... you're in Canada!: Abort, abort!

Decaf — Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church: HERESY ALERT.

Black coffee with no stirring sticks — Church of Christ: No sticks, no temptation to start drumming.

Frozen coffee, extra ice — Presbyterian: They will not move and neither shall the coffee.

Craft IPA — Reformed: With an alcohol content of 9%, you know it's Reformed.

Whatever coffee was already in the pot — Calvinist: It's not up to you, bub.

Quintuple espresso — Assemblies of God: The shakes are about to start.

Anything with oat milk — Gay Church: Could be Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopalian. You never know these days.

The leftover dregs of coffee from five years ago — Lutheran: It's what you deserve, you depraved wretch!

Still waiting on a decision from the Coffee Committee — Methodist: They're just running it by a couple more committees.

Starbucks — You are in Hell: Not good.

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TOPICS: Humor; Religion
KEYWORDS: church; coffee

[Karliner]

Well, we brought back a whole coffee bar. Donations but it still amazes me.

[Carriage Hill]

Kona Hawaiian?

[PGR88]

Who has got the Nespresso pods that cost $1 each?

[MeneMeneTekelUpharsin]

ROFL!!!

[xp38]

We’re medium roast and PCA. Not exactly non denominational but not trying to offend anyone.

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

It is the stuff from Sam's Club that we get in this huge square container.

The key to good coffee is to make sure the pot is clean both inside and out. Jesus said so. Matthew 23:26

[know.your.why]

On Topic Joke:

Wherever you find four Catholic priests gathered together in one place, you are sure to find a fifth. - Father Joseph C. Martin, S.S. (1924–2009)

[Red Badger]

Dunkin’ — Southern Baptist: Obviously.??????????

KRISPY-KREME!................

[xp38]

Single serve pods are for where a person thinks they are God.

[Dr. Sivana]

The “obviously” is because of full immersion baptism (Dunkin’). I agree that Southern Baptists would more likely go for the southern KK rather than Massachusetts based Dunkin Donuts, which you should find in a Connecticut Episcopal or Congregationalist church.

[Southside_Chicago_Republican]

I have been to a number of places, and I am still running into the sour-tasting stuff made in those big percolators. The only other place I have run into that was with some coffee I once bought at a gas station in West Virginia. It was that memorable. I finished an XL cup because I needed the caffeine.

[Red Badger]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuEbLtYlVUA

[Dr. Sivana]

Yuban, brewed last week — Catholic: Your penance begins now.

That his too close to home, so when we moved to a new church building, I volunteered to run the coffee and doughnuts.

I started with locally roasted Lifeboat Colombian Medium Roast from Lifeboat Coffee, which is Catholic-run, and donates a portion to pro-life causes.

The first week we ran it, I got the compliment I awaited, from a young father needing his caffeine fix. "Hey! This isn't church coffee!"

In my experience, when women run the coffee and doughnuts, they think about expense and convenience, NOT the quality of the coffee, and even less about the quality (and variety!) of doughnuts. I made sure that proper jelly doughnuts were present, as I had bad memories of a lady who ran the coffee and doughnuts in another state, and omitted jelly doughnuts because of the food coloring. Ma'am, they are doughnuts. If you are worried about your children eating properly, bring your own fresh strawberries and yogurt or whatever.

[libertylover]

I always fall for these Babylon Bee headlines.

:-)

[mdmathis6]

That’s baptist churches in Richmond Va!

[kawhill]

Just ask them: “How fresh is that coffee?”

[FreedomPoster]

I once told a manager in the lobby at a Ritz-Carlton in Florida that his lobby coffee was good, but it wasn’t the best lobby coffee I’d ever had.

“Who has better coffee!?” < mildly outraged>

“The Ritz-Carlton Kapalua.” (On Maui. Which I’d been to in the prior year or so, and yes, they had awesome Hawaiian coffee).

“_____”

There wasn’t much he could say on THAT one!

lol

[NorthMountain]

Wherever you find four Catholic priests gathered together in one place, you are sure to find a fifth.

Because we reject teetotalism as damnable heresy. And we'll happily go fishing with two Baptists, but never with only one.

[IYAS9YAS]

Boba tea — the Korean church that meets after your church: So many Hondas in the parking lot.

Koreans have changed a bit since I was in Korea 35 years ago. They didn't much care for the Japanese back then.