Posted on 11/13/2025 1:48:49 PM PST by E. Pluribus Unum
https://babylonbee.com/news/tucker-carlson-builds-time-machine-to-kill-baby-churchill
WOODSTOCK, ME — On a mission to set right the great wrongs perpetrated upon the world during World War II, controversial media personality Tucker Carlson announced that he had built a time machine to go back to the past and kill baby Winston Churchill.
Seeking a means by which he could eliminate the greatest villain of the first half of the 20th century — Churchill — and thereby prevent the astronomical bloodshed and destruction caused by the war, Carlson reportedly sank tens of millions of dollars into the research, development, and construction of the time machine.
"It's time to snip this cigar before it can light the fuse of war," Carlson said in a brief video statement posted on X. "People may try to gaslight and say this sounds crazy, but we all know the truth. And that truth is that chubby-cheeked little Winston's cute little coos and gurgles really mean one thing: world destruction. Young Churchill's first word was not ‘mama' or ‘dada' as it is with most children. It was ‘imperialism.' That's why it is absolutely necessary to go back to 1874 and right this wrong before it ever has a chance to be committed. And that's what I'm going to do."
Carlson's team was tight-lipped on the specifics of the mission but did disclose that the time machine had been successfully tested. "He took a trip back in time last week to remove the cornucopia from the Fruit of the Loom logo," one insider said. "It totally worked. There is now no evidence that it was ever there, despite so many people thinking they remember it being there. Now, he's set his sights on Churchill."
At publishing time, Carlson had revealed that he also planned to stock up on vintage bow ties during his trip to 1874.
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Tucker is a target, even though he really hasn’t done anything wrong. He dared present alternative ideas or give people a microphone and let them tell their side of the story.
Reagrad Churchill. He was the right man, for the right job, at the right time (WWII).
BUT his life was a disaster. They guy caused for some huge blunders early on from which it’s most remarkable that he could recover. At least he learned from his mistakes.
I agree. The criticisms of him are so overdone.
Very skeptical of attempts to cancel him now.
Also this piece by the bee is weak
We have complained about being subjected to silencing/censorship/debanking/deplatforming for years, but we think it’s perfectly OK to silence/censor/debank/deplatform people WE disagree with.
Roflmao. Tucker probably would if he could.
After the Gallipoli debacle, Churchill served on the front lines in France with the Royal Scots Fusiliers.
The gloves are off Seth Dillon on a low path.
If you could build a time machine, there are plenty of people to kill who’s deaths would make Churchill’s best days be in the Boer Wars - and a whole lot of peoples’ lives better.
I’d like to kill all the leaders of Europe in 1914.
Nobody is bring censored, he is being stung be the bee. Tjat’s not censorship.
But in the "New" UK, it is now illegal to recite those words, as MP Paul Weston found out in 2014, when he was arrested for doing just that on a London street, across from the terror-linked mosque where Imams typical spout anti-Western hate:
I was referring to the attacks by Ben Shapiro, Mark Levin and Dinesh D'Souza. They want him silenced and deplatformed.
Personally I think they hate him because his audience dwarfs all of theirs combined.
Ben Shapiro, Mark Levin torch Tucker Carlson for Fuentes interview | RISING+
Considering how many communism and socialism have killed over the years, you may get more bang for your buck by erasing Marx and Engles.
They are ALL idiots
I tried that with my time machine. I got Archduke Franz Ferdinand and got some Serbian patsy blamed for it. After that it was too much work.
Yeah, he did. But the other British politicians in that era were more incompetent.
“No need to build an army because there won’t be a war for 10 years”, even though Churchill knew one was coming.
And of course “Peace in our time”
When Franz Joseph heard about the assassination his first reaction was one of relief--he had been dead-set against Franz Ferdinand's marriage to someone who lacked the proper noble pedigree.
Thanks for the laugh.
Right - their criticisms can't be because he puts a (literal) Hitler lover on his platform to normalize him.
No rational human would do that.
He interviews lots of people, but if he interviews somebody you disapprove of, he's Hitler.
Check.
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