The Babylon Bee Has Been Given Access To Trump's To-Do List For His Next 100 Days. Here's What To Expect

The Bee ^ | May 5, 2025 | The Bee

[dayglored]

It's just too much winning to handle. Trump's been so effective already, it's made our heads spin.

In his first hundred days, Trump has racked up an impressive list of accomplishments. The White House has given The Babylon Bee exclusive access to Trump's official to-do list for the next 100 days.

Here's what to expect:

• Survive 3rd impeachment: Charges pending.

• Replace the entire cabinet with Marco Rubio: He's a jack of all trades.

• Order the National Science Foundation to determine if 100 men can really defeat a gorilla: The nation deserves to know.

• Delay Epstein list again: It should be released sometime around Trump's third term.

• Direct Elon to build a migrant detention facility on Mars: Quickly, before a judge overturns it.

• Attend Joe Biden's funeral: Should be any day now.

• Find out what the giant red button in the Oval Office supply closet does: Probably nothing good.

• Build a wall on the Canadian border: It's time we kept all those dirty Canucks out of our country.

• Launch an inquiry to find out what the heck Congress has been doing this whole time: Do they do anything?

• Put Lindsay Graham in charge of Pride Month: There's no one in the nation more qualified.

• Sell New Jersey to Mexico: It will potentially reduce the deficit by dozens of dollars.

• Authorize the creation of a grand Clone Army of the Republic: Rumor has it that the soldiers will be clones of Elon Musk.

• Marry wife number 5: Rumor has it he's talking with Sydney Sweeney.

• 300% Tariff on German Shepherds: It's time to support American shepherds.

• End democracy: The Dems have been saying he's going to do it for so long now that it's a boy-who-cried-wolf situation, and he can really do it now, and no one will believe it.

It should be an eventful few months. Who knows what else Trump's got up his sleeve?

[dayglored]

Here it comes!!

[woweeitsme]

Putting Lindsay Graham in charge of Pride Month is a no-brainer! :)

[Billthedrill]

He should consider conquering California and turning it into an American state.

[ChronicMA]

yes, rename the dogs

American Shepherd
American Bulldog
American Terrier
American Poodle

if another country is part of the name, lets replace it

[one guy in new jersey]

“Sell New Jersey to Mexico”

Hey now.

[Tell It Right]

11. Sign an EO that all former presidents who had an increase in illegal immigration spend a week each year wading in the Rio Grande.

12. Put Stacey Abrams in charge of National Weight Loss Month.

13. Arrange a meeting so Senator Rand Paul can tell the CEO's of businesses, who have increased manufacturing sales, why Trump's tariffs are bad.

14. Put Hillary Clinton in charge of National Sobriety Month.

15. Change the purpose of Guantanamo Bay prison to house illegal aliens that leftists judges block from deporting from U.S. soil.

16. Put Ron Paul in charge of auditing the Federal Reserve.

17. Meet leaders of Native American tribes to explore preserving Indian heritage by building more casinos.

18. Put Elizabeth High Cheek-bones Warren in charge of National Native American Month.

19. Meet with the cardinals in Rome to nominate Franklin Graham to be the next pope.

20. Put Don Jr in charge of National Beard Trimming Month.

[dayglored]

> 15. Change the purpose of Guantanamo Bay prison to house illegal aliens that leftists judges block from deporting from U.S. soil.

15. Change the purpose of Guantanamo Bay prison to house leftists judges that blocked illegal aliens from deporting from U.S. soil.

FIFY

[albie]

And American Toast

[cowboyusa]

Liberty Cabage...oh wait we really did that.🤣

[b4me]

“Marry wife number 5:”

Ivana
Marla
Melania

who am I missing?

[dayglored]

I wondered about that too.