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Crenshaw Tries To Kill Tucker But Instead Runs Into A Pole (Because He Has No Depth Perception)
Babylon Bee ^

Posted on 02/27/2025 8:52:33 AM PST by RoosterRedux

Dan Crenshaw's plan to hunt and kill conservative personality Tucker Carlson was foiled again when he tripped over his feet and ran into a pole. Authorities say this is because he has no depth perception on account of having only one eye.

The former Navy SEAL turned U.S. Representative infiltrated Gasparilla Island via amphibious assault in the early morning hours before dawn and quickly moved toward Carlson's home with the intent of sneaking upon Carlson and snapping his neck. But then his mission failed when he tripped over his feet and slammed into a pole because he has only one eye and can't see very well due to not having two of them.

...

After stumbling over himself and crashing head-first into a pole, Crenshaw is said to have regained his composure briefly before stepping on a rake, which knocked him backward into a trash barrel that rolled down to a nearby dock and dumped him into the ocean where he was eaten by sharks, because he only has one eye and he looks like a pirate and has no depth perception.

"The sad thing is, he wasn't even anywhere near Tucker's house," said Sheriff Dex Gladden. "Handicapped people really shouldn't try to murder people."

At publishing time, witnesses claimed to see a shark off the coast wearing an eye patch.

(Excerpt) Read more at babylonbee.com ...


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; eyepatchmccain
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1 posted on 02/27/2025 8:52:33 AM PST by RoosterRedux
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To: RoosterRedux

That’s cruel!..................
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I like it.................


2 posted on 02/27/2025 8:55:24 AM PST by Red Badger (Homeless veterans camp in the streets while illegals are put up in 5 Star hotels....................)
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To: RoosterRedux

I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there!


3 posted on 02/27/2025 8:55:29 AM PST by cuban leaf (2024 is going to be one for the history books, like 1939. And 2025 will be more so, like 1940-1945.)
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To: RoosterRedux

Winner!


4 posted on 02/27/2025 8:55:58 AM PST by Resolute Conservative
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To: RoosterRedux

He sounds like a KAOS recruit if he ever goes to the dark side.


5 posted on 02/27/2025 8:58:36 AM PST by Dr. Sivana ("Whatsoever he shall say to you, do ye." (John 2:5))
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To: RoosterRedux

Beerutal!


6 posted on 02/27/2025 8:58:51 AM PST by Sirius Lee ("Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”)
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To: RoosterRedux

Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say

“Was it all fun and games up until that point?”


7 posted on 02/27/2025 8:58:59 AM PST by Bob434 (...Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana)
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To: All

8 posted on 02/27/2025 8:59:18 AM PST by RoosterRedux ("There's nothing so inert as a closed mind" )
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To: RoosterRedux

OMG. Did they really just publish that? Lol!


9 posted on 02/27/2025 8:59:47 AM PST by Damifino (The true measure of a man is found in what he would do if he knew no one would ever find out.)
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To: RoosterRedux

A Pirate walks into a bar...

because he had no depth perception


10 posted on 02/27/2025 9:00:23 AM PST by Bob434 (...Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana)
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To: RoosterRedux

Be sure to send this Babylon Bee post to your friends who reside in Crenshaw’s Congressional District.

Back in about 2019 there were Texans who thought Crenshaw was a leading candidate to replace Trump for President in 2024.

I thought that when Crenshaw supported Liz Cheney that sane Texans would have primaried him in 2024.

However, since Texas has open primaries, Crenshaw gets most of his support from Democrats.


11 posted on 02/27/2025 9:01:25 AM PST by Presbyterian Reporter
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To: RoosterRedux

Generally a person should shun making fun of a disabled person but..in this case.

On a more serious note, they need to suspend him in congress untill he gets and completes mental evaluation.
He will do something drastic per his comments.
Try saying something like this in the ER and see what happens. They’ll have you in the wacky ward so fast it’d make your head spin.


12 posted on 02/27/2025 9:02:05 AM PST by crz
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To: RoosterRedux

Harsh!

But funny.


13 posted on 02/27/2025 9:04:03 AM PST by larrytown (A Cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do. Then they graduate...)
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To: RoosterRedux

Harsh!

But funny.


14 posted on 02/27/2025 9:04:04 AM PST by larrytown (A Cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do. Then they graduate...)
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To: RoosterRedux

I started laughing at the headline


15 posted on 02/27/2025 9:14:33 AM PST by Zathras
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To: RoosterRedux

I realize this is The Bee & can acknowledge the basic truth about depth perception being linked to 2 functional eyes. However, I can tell you my father-in-law only had the use of one eye after a childhood accident yet thrived in a construction industry. He could evaluate a feature or fabricated component & quickly tell you if it was level, plumb, & square without using a tool or instrument. I worked with him for 17 years & was always amazed.


16 posted on 02/27/2025 9:24:12 AM PST by T-Bird45 (It feels like the seventies, and it shouldn't. )
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To: RoosterRedux

This isn’t their best work.


17 posted on 02/27/2025 9:27:04 AM PST by Lazamataz (The BEST birthday present I ever got WAS DONALD TRUMP WINNING IN 2024!!!)
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To: Lazamataz

I agree. I loath Crenshaw and hope he’s imprisoned for corruption one day, but laughing at one’s physical disabilities is a very low form of humor.

Governor Abbott is in a wheelchair. RFK has a speech disability. I believe the owner of a Free Republic has experienced amputation also.

I remember when I was six years old seeing a small boy with one arm getting bullied by other kids, and the memory still makes me cringe when I remember it.

I just thank God that my body has remained complete until now, although life never has guarantees.


18 posted on 02/27/2025 9:39:22 AM PST by MNDude
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To: RoosterRedux

19 posted on 02/27/2025 9:42:16 AM PST by Magnum44 (...against all enemies, foreign and domestic... )
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To: RoosterRedux

:) I wish I had the skills to write for the Bee.


20 posted on 02/27/2025 9:43:52 AM PST by libertylover (Our biggest problem, by far, is that almost all of big media is AGENDA-DRIVEN, not-truth driven.)
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