Is Your Wife Planning To Murder You? Look For These Red Flags

Babylon Bee ^

[RoosterRedux]

Whether you and your wife are newlyweds or have been married for several years, this thought has, at one point or another, crossed your mind: "Is my wife planning to murder me?" Though determining the answer is not easy, there are warning signs.

The Babylon Bee is here to help increase your admittedly slim chance of survival by providing you with the following list of red flags to watch for:

1. She listens to podcasts about wives murdering their husbands: Sure, many wives do this, but your wife takes notes. Not good!

2. She always says things like "If you died, would you want me to remarry?": Yeah, it's over for you.

3. She has a large collection of Stanley tumblers that are heavy and sturdy and would make a great blunt weapon: Have you seen the size of those things?

4. Her Amazon wish list includes hydrofluoric acid and large plastic barrels: We both know what those are for.

5. She keeps encouraging you to get the COVID-19 vaccine: Those things kill.

6. She asks you to lie down in the trunk of her car: "Just to see how much cargo space it has," she says.

7. She has an oddly specific fitness goal of being able to deadlift exactly your body weight: Why would she need to only lift that much?

8. She planned a romantic date to that old abandoned mine on the outskirts of town: "It'll be great. There won't be anyone else around."

[RoosterRedux]

Here's another one: Your wife has been marching in "Free Palestine" rallies...and you're Jewish, but she's not.

[brownsfan]

She’d never let me get out that easy.

[V_TWIN]

#5 ain’t satire!

[Fresh Wind]

She asks you to lie down in the trunk of her car

True story: A couple of years ago there was a news report of an abandoned car. It had the keys in the ignition and a sign on it that said "Free Car!"

Of course someone took it. When they got it home they checked the trunk and there was a dead body in it.

[stylin19a]

Husband has to be careful about what he says.

Husband and wife are avid golfers.
One night in bed,
wife asks husband: “If I die before you, will you continue to play golf ?
husband: What kind of question is that?
wife: no, seriously
husband: after proper amount of time to grieve, whenever that would be, I would probably start playing golf again.
wife: Do you think you’d ever get married again ?
husband: who know how things are going to work out. If it happens it happens.
wife: Would she play golf?
husband: probably
wife: would you let her have my new PXGs ?
husband: No, she’s left-handed.

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

You ask her, “If anything happened to me, and you met someone else, would you let him use my golf clubs?” and she answers, “No, don’t be silly! Of course not! He’s left handed.”

[dfwgator]

Golf jokes are the best.

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

GMTA

[RoosterRedux]

I see these guys on TV bragging about their new kitchen knife sets that their wives gave them for Christmas.

There's something wrong when your wife gives you a never-get-dull cleaver for Christmas and she tells you how much she loves it.

[stylin19a]

that fits this better !

[Leaning Right]

My contribution:

Your wife finds out you were on Epstein’s airplane, and she’s already spitting mad over losing the presidency.

[txeagle]

She kills you on the inside long before she gets to those issues.....

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Your insurance agent calls about that “new policy” that you took out on yourself.

[GrandJediMasterYoda]

11. She wants you to go to a Taylor Swift concert....and stay for the entire show!

[Buttons12]

She’s agreeable to buying you hard liquor now (you can’t do it yourself because there’s a breathalyzer stuck to your car).
All the night lights by the stairs keep burning out.
She brought home another deaf cat.
Is that what’s wreaking havoc with your bowels today, bunky?

(Hat tip to The Old Philosopher)

[SharpRightTurn]

Hilarious. And food for thought.

[BigFreakinToad]

so far I’m safe

[dfwgator]

"That I'm gonna cleave you?"

[GrandJediMasterYoda]

Actually this seems to be happening a lot lately, almost every week I read about a new case. The latest one I read about is this woman killed her husband by poisoning him with antifreeze.

And here is the latest one......

https://www.abc4.com/news/crime/wife-kills-husband-at-their-provo-home-police-say/