Posted on 02/10/2023 11:48:56 AM PST by BipolarBob
IRVINE, CA — FDA officials specializing in the field of genuine Mexican food have released a comprehensive, peer-reviewed report confirming no link between eating Taco Bell and immediately suffering from explosive diarrhea, and that Taco Bell was "safe and effective."
Some say the FDA's comprehensive meta-analysis may be enough to firmly place suggestions that Taco Bell causes a "Blitz in the Britches" to be unmistakable lies drummed up by conspiracy theorists.
"The Science has spoken, thus concluding Taco Bell to be the source of neither Trouser Slop, Heavy Shartillery, nor Chino Cappuccino," said FDA spokesman, Ron Schitzfeldt, "Anyone claiming their Cheesy Gordita Crunch Wrap Supreme™ led to an evening dancing the Dirty Dungaree Disco is willfully distributing misinformation and should be held accountable."
Mainstream media outlets reported on the FDA's claim distancing the fast-food chain from acute cases of the Battle of Waterloo and went further to insist that never, in the history of food franchises, have there been reports of Taco Bell causing a 21-Gun Gastric Salvo.
CNN's Don Lemon went so far as to purchase and eat a Taco Bell Spicy Double-Steak Grilled Cheese Burrito™ during his live 10:00 am segment in front of dozens of viewers. The broadcast was cut short, however, due to unknown technical difficulties, and not due to Lemon suffering a Crackpocalypse.
At publishing time, CDC officials had announced an investigation into why people who watched CNN were all getting diarrhea.
Thankyou for posting this.
Crap, I just ate some Taco Bell...
Well we know Taco Bell won The Franchise Wars.
Let me interview my ass for his commentary.
Damn, The Bee is good.
Taco Bell is for 0200 when shithammered on Jack Daniels.
Quite possibly some legal repercussions for this article.
But we still must all remember that eating Taco Bell or other Mexican food contributes to Global Warming. That’s because Mexican food is hot and spicy, leading to flatulence, a major portion of which is methane, a highly inflammable gas, as repeatedly proven in college dorm experiments, and METHANE CAUSES GLOBAL WARMING.
“Effective”?
What makes food “effective”?
Oh, God, it’s the Bee.
“Taco Bell is for 0200 when shithammered on Jack Daniels.”
I prefer Korbel Brandy.
Agree.
Oh, you have got to read the article. I almost pooped my pants laughing.
When you feel its effects.
The Bee is bust-a-gut funny!
Their food is safe.
Just don`t drink their water.
Nothing is 100% safe! NOTHING!
My nephew is a plastic surgeon in Florida for 10 years doing ELECTIVE plastic surgery. He would kill to achieve 99% success rate.
If you check into any hospital, there is less than 99% chance of you checking out alive.
As for Taco Bell, it is my favorite fast-food joint for 20 years. Never had any intestinal issues from it.
Yeah, I think that's what they were saying.
It’s parody and satire. No legal issues.
Put a spoon full of DAVE’S INSANITY SAUCE on your meal. Then eat some ice cream.
Next day you will be crying “HURRY UP ICE CREAM!”
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