Posted on 12/29/2022 7:41:34 PM PST by Vigilanteman
Sorry for the shameless vanity but some of you may be able to offer advice for my situation. God designed women to last longer than men, I think, because they are better at carrying on with life after loss of a spouse.
My loving wife of 38 years left me almost two months ago and I still have trouble going out by myself for more than short errands. She was a wonderful, sweet and very traditional lady. She was also a solid conservative who once told me she would never, ever vote for a Democrat even if they were better qualified. When I asked her why, she said because you tend to become like the type of people you choose to associate with . . . logic that even I could not argue with.
We served on our local election board together for nine years, raised three daughters (two of whom insisted Dad come and stay with them and their families immediately after the funeral), enjoyed many ups and downs in our marriage and both grew as a result.
She was full of affection and had a big heart. Everyone loved her because she reached out to so many people. She was kind even to those who didn't deserve it.
Most of the friends that I have is because of her. I'm introverted and shy by nature. She was even the one who led me to get married while I spent months dithering on whether or not I should move our relationship to the next level. For a solid two weeks after she died, I woke up numb and could do little but throw myself into my work as a way to ease the pain.
It is only because of my daughters, one of whom dropped her responsibilities of job and family to fly out to be with me, that I did not become a total basket case.
I have now accepted that she is with the Lord and there is a purpose for me to remain and tarry on this earth. While I am looking for that purpose, I am also counting the many blessings she brought to me. I know I need to be outgoing again and meet more people if, for nothing else, as a way to honor her legacy. But as I said, I am basically a shy guy by nature.
Your advice and wisdom would be appreciated.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain & loneliness are very evident in your post. I am so glad you have caring & loving children who love you very much.
Algore is so on the money. If you have an animal shelter where you live, go there. The staff are usually well versed in the different aspects of the animals there. Tell them you are looking for a cuddle bug who loves to snuggle. Try and get a female. They tend to be less aggressive. Sending many hugs your way Friend.
Your reaction is completely normal. It’s only been two months. Take time to remember all the wonderful years you had together. Go ahead and cry yourself to sleep. Everyone who has experienced a loss like yours has done the same.
There are many churches that have grief recovery classes. You should check them out.
Do you attend a church? Attending services or bible study could get you in the room with other people, with something to focus on.
I’m so sorry for your loss! Some churches have a program called “Grief Share” or something similar, where you can attend a group, you don’t have to talk, but many find it helps to just ‘SAY IT’ now and then - whatever the current challenges are that are on your mind.
Despite how far you’ve come, to accepting God’s purpose for your continued service here, you still have more healing to do, it won’t always feel like this. That’s why I think it would be good to see if you can find grief share type groups because they also let you talk about the good things, too. Any group setting, preferably where you don’t have to talk if you don’t feel like it, where others describe their days and what’s on their mind could help.
Prayers up, my FRen, for your healing and the Hope that is within you.
It has been 10 years for me. I bought a cheap camp, and spent a lot of time figuring out how to improve it, and decorate it. You need something else to think about. (And you are more emotionally fragile,;than you think”.
May God bless you, Vigilanteman, and help you to endure life without your beloved wife.
I have no advice but I will send continued prayers for your consolation and strength to endure.
My daughter actually gave us a cat when her work transferred her to Japan. Miss Kitteth loved my wife and tolerates me. But she is a great companion when watching TV at the end of the day. We both shared a love for a special lady who is no longer in our lives.
As far as getting a dog or cat, remember two things that recommend a dog. 1. Dogs love to go for walks. That can get you out of the house getting some exercise, and you can soon find the routes that allow you to meet other people doing the same thing. Meeting another dog-walker gives you a conversation starter. Just the thing for somebody who describes himself as shy.
2. Most dogs will eat most leftovers, which means you can get rid of the leftovers. Of course, you don't want to overfeed the dog, but moderation in moderation works well.
When you go to a shelter to select an animal, you might find a color coding on the cage or run. My local shelter uses Pink to describe the easy to take home animals, Yellow is a Pink dog that is more shy and needs some time to come out of a shell. (Sound familiar??) Blue is a "behavior issue", so expect some behavior issues now and then. I would expect some uniformity in the color coding, if your local shelter uses one. You can always ask.
And remember that once you get a dog used to a routine that involves walks, the dog will expect to go for a walk at certain times of the day, regardless of the weather. That can be a challenge if you live in an area with snow or high winds.
And right now tell yourself that the first two months are the hardest, and things will start to get better. A month from now, tell yourself that the first three months are the hardest, and things will start to get better. When you forget to tell yourself that "the first X months are the hardest", let us know how it turned out.
🛐🙏✝️
Adopting a homeless pet seems like a good idea. Helping a living thing will help both of you. I know most Freepers who read thus will pray for you and that help you through it too.
A grief group or program is always good. When my Mother died, my life was saved by a grief group run by a local Hospice.
Many freepers have suggested a church affiliated group — I recommend that as well.
Other than that, take it one day at a time, don’t put pressure on yourself. There will be good days, and bad days, and sometimes you just have to take baby steps as you go along.
One freeper suggested a pet. Cat or dog, I think both are good. They don’t judge, are full of unconditional love, and help the hours pass. Dogs are especially good because you have to get out and walk them. Stay active if possible.
Please reach out to your friends on the Freep. We’ve been there.
You will be in my prayers.
I think one reason women live longer than men is they are not forced by society to cover up their deep, and especially sad or fearful feelings. I lost my husband of 44 years 17 years ago. I have been with a good friend of 40 year for the past 16 years. He now is under treatment for cancer, and we do not know what the future holds.
Deep grieving, crying intensely and long helps clear the pain out of the brain and body. Listing to very sad music can help that process. Going to a secluded place and making all the noise you want helps. A few months after my husband died I had gone to our beach house to take care of the property. We had some really ugly fights in that house. I was driving home thinking about that and was suddenly overcome with deep grief. I found a country road next to a deep woods, parked and cried deeply for more than an hour, thinking about how much we had lost from his PTSD and alcoholism.
A few months ago I went to a country place where I have a small somewhat isolated cabin. I was trying to get some repairs done for winter and all I wanted to do was sleep. I finally realized my partner’s impending radiation treatment had me very worried and debilitated. I soon started crying and imagining him being buried, and cried for a long time. Then I had more energy and got some of the work done. I cried several more times while there. Then returned home feeling calmer and stronger to deal with may partner’s pending cancer treatments. His radiation treatment has ended and he seems to be recovering well.
After my husband died I had many property issues to deal with involving my local government. I had neglected a lot of work while caring for my husband’s slow death from Alzheimers. I began involving myself in political action, attending government hearings, and writing about the issues. I feel I made some valuable contributions to resolving some broad issues which helped me and a lot of other people. I also made several new and valuable friends.
I wish you a successful healing. There are many ways to accomplish that. You will have to find the way that works for you. It may be religion, getting a pet, grieving hard and deep, getting yourself out in the world and finding new friends. Perhaps several of these ways. The very best of luck in your search.
I recently lost a loved one and some people asked if I had thought of getting a pet. I had actually thought of that! But decided that since I didn’t know where I would be in a year or two, I didn’t want to make that type of commitment. However, I would consider fostering a dog or cat for a set period of time, but remembering that I would then have to give the dog up, so... not yet.
You may be more permanently settled than I am and able to take on a long-term commitment, but they say not to make major decisions in the first year of such a huge change.
Anyway, may I recommend volunteering? I tutor and I work with a group that helps people in need with cash grants.
With the tutoring, if you are a patient person, I would start with younger children—i am particularly fond of 8 to 10 year olds. They are old enough to be a lot of fun, and their schoolwork is not challenging.
There are a lot of kids who desperately need tutoring after the covid shutdowns.
You may think your strengths lie elsewhere, but any way you think best, I suggest doing some volunteer work that requires you to get out and be with people.
My condolences on your loss of your wife. This is such a huge loss in one’s life that it takes a good long time to get over, and even then, leaves a scar.
My mom lost my dad two years ago. 56 years of marriage. Same sort of situation. My dad was the extrovert, my mom is the opposite. It’s still hard for her after two years but she can function and find more happiness in things now. Just give it time, pray, ask family to pray for you and know that it’s a process and you can’t expect to immediately feel wonderful. Over time you will feel able to do more and find joys again. If your daughters listen, make sure to keep taking to them.
I pray for your consolation and strength.
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My wife passed on after 38 years of marriage, also, and I was devastated. The only advice I have is to be willing to ask friends for help. Most people want to help you.
It will soon be tow years since I lost my own wife of thirty years. I very much understand your grief. My advise is something that work for me. Make a list of what she would have wanted you to do with your life now that she is gone.
Surely she would want you to continue to be a good father and support your daughters
She loved you so its a given she would want you to have peace, and live out you days as happily as you can.
You need to continue to do those things you shared and enjoyed together in tribute to your union.
Continue to be the honest, loving God Fearing man she married having faith the Lord has a plan for you.
The LORD bless thee, and keep thee: The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.
Numbers 6:24-26 King James Version (KJV) Amen and AMEN
My deepest condolences. I am so sorry for your loss.
My dear wife, the love of my life, was taken from me this year.
I met and fell in love with my precious wife Joy in 1973. We were married in 1975 and she passed away February 26, 2022.
She died quietly and suddenly at home and I am thankful she didn’t suffer for a long time. She had medical problems but was not in the danger stage as she had been twice before in 1998 and 2000 in the hospital.
I am so used to coming home to tell her something funny or noteworthy or new, or to ask her what she thinks. She was my close friend and confidant who somehow accepted me as not only okay with all my faults but lovable and wonderful. A great feeling. Now all that is gone.
I cannot tell anyone else how hard the loss is but I don’t have to tell you because you know. C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed said this is the club we have to join and no one wants to do it. Another said the person in grief gets on a trip that is one way, we don’t want to go on it and we cannot return.
One author said we do not actually find our grief has lessened but that we have grown stronger in being able to carry its weight around with us always.
I have no children or grandchildren or friends and relatives around here.
As a lifelong bibliophile I have read a number of books on grief in the past few months.
Welcome to the Grief Club by Janine Kwoh (somewhat light but deals with common things everyone says unthinkingly to us in grief. A good book.)
Heartbroken: Healing From the Loss of a Spouse by Gary Roe
The Comfort Book by Matt Haig (on non-grief topics, too.)
After Suicide by Father Chris Alar (Not just for suicide-—has comfort to all loss of a loved one.)
Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joann Cacciatore,PhD (New Age viewpoint but helpful advice and good writing).
God Hs Not Forgotten You by Dr. David Jeremiah. Christian viewpoint and very comforting and gentle.
Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart:....After Your Husband or Wife Dies by Alan D. Wolfelt,PhD.
The Courage to Grieve by Judy Tatelbaum. This is one of the best of the group. In print since 1980 and often quoted now.
It’s OK that You’re Not OK” Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine. Very helpful to me. She understands we do not grieve at the same standard expected pace that society wishes we did, so they can toss us aside and not be brought down by our sorrow which is inconvenient to them. “Get past it” and “get over it” is like advice to the depressed or someone with insomnia. We can’t say “Gosh, you’re right. Glad you said that to me. Now I’m cured.”
I attended grief counseling group sessions for a few weeks until the new sad stories were bringing me down more than I already was. Some good help, though.
My fear is that we don’t know-—for sure-—that she is in Heaven. She was kind, generous, loving, cared for the underdog, didn’t swear, didn’t hate or hold grudges and was the finest person I ever met. But all the rules of religions scare me about the afterlife. Jews’ World to Come is for the good people but what if you didn’t fast on Yom Kippur, always kept kosher or strictly honored the Sabbath without turning on a light or a stove or driving? Sorry. Or Catholics without last rites and final confession of mortal sins or some kind of violation of rules of the Four Last Things or missing Mass? Or other religions such as Hinduism or others? Not that Joy was in those congregations but how do we know how perfect we have to be to be allowed into God’s arms after we die? Any of us. I believe if anyone should be in Heaven she should be. I pray she is there.
God bless you. I will pray for you.
My deepest condolences, I lost DH in April after 31 years. Everyday hurts. The paperwork is horrendous. Though you are shy, make a plan to do something small everyday, even if it is just a short walk. Make a bigger plan for the near future, like flying out to visit your daughter. Cry when you are alone and treasure her memory. One small step at a time. Best wishes and prayers.
I pray, my FRiend, that you can find a time where, when you think of her, instead of pain in your heart, it brings a gentle smile to your face.
It has been my experience that is a possible thing. And I wish it for you.
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