Posted on 10/29/2022 6:31:50 PM PDT by nickcarraway
RAISING SUCCESSFUL KIDS
Published Sat, Oct 29 20229:55 AM EDTUpdated 10:08 AM EDT thumbnail Esther Wojcicki, Contributor @ESTHERWOJCICKI SHARE Share Article via Facebook Share Article via Twitter Share Article via LinkedIn Share Article via Email I raised 2 successful CEOs and a professor of pediatrics—here's the biggest parenting mistake I see 2:52 I raised 2 successful CEOs and a professor of pediatrics—here’s the biggest parenting mistake I see Here’s a wake-up call for American parents: We are doing too much for our kids. This is the origin of “helicopter parenting,” in which we constantly remove obstacles so that our kids don’t have to deal with challenges.
There were many unpopular parenting rules I followed as a young, single mother. But my No. 1 was: Don’t do anything for your kids that they can do for themselves.
That worked out for my daughters. All three grew up to be highly successful: Susan is the CEO of YouTube, Janet is a doctor, and Anne is the co-founder and CEO of 23andMe. They rose to the top of competitive, male-dominated professions.
Parents need to stop coddling their kids The more you trust your children to do things on their own, the more empowered they’ll be. The key is to begin with guided practice: It’s the “I do, we do, you do” method.
You can try this with all sorts of simple, everyday actions:
Waking up: Have them set their own alarm.
Getting dressed: Let them pick their own outfit.
Breakfast/lunch/dinner: Give them simple tasks like stirring the pancake batter, cleaning their lunchbox and setting the table. Getting their backpack ready: Have them run through a list of what they need to bring that day. Making plans: Let them come up with weekend or after school activities. Checking homework: It’s okay if they don’t get 100% of the answers correct. Let them learn from the mistakes. Chores are especially important. Washing dishes was a big one in our house. All my daughters stood on a little stool at the sink and washed the dishes after dinner.
And when we went grocery shopping, I’d ask them to get two pounds of apples. They had to pick out the good ones, which I’d taught them how to do, and measure pounds on the scale.
If we went over our grocery budget, they’d help me decide what to put back.
Don’t worry about perfection
I expected my daughters to make their own beds every morning. Ha! A bed made by a kid can look like she’s still asleep in it. But I didn’t fight them. As long as they did it, I was happy.
Mastery means doing something as many times as it takes to get it right. Being a writing teacher taught me this. In the 80s and 90s, one of the supposed characteristics of a good teacher was that your class was so hard that many students failed.
But the kids who got a D on their first paper found it impossible to recover and lost the motivation to improve, since they were starting out so far behind.
So I gave them the opportunity to revise their work as many times as they wanted. Their grade was based on the final product. And when it came time for testing, my students performed in the 90th percentile of state exams.
It was the learning and the hard work that I wanted to reward, not getting it right the first time.
Kids are smarter than you think
To be clear, I’m not saying you should make your kids do things they don’t understand or aren’t capable of, nor am I saying you should let them play in the street if it isn’t safe, or walk to the store if the neighborhood is dangerous.
The idea is to teach them how to cope with what life throws at them. One of the most important lessons I taught my daughters is that the only thing you can control is how you react to things.
When you trust kids to make their own decisions, they start to feel more engaged, confident and empowered. And once that happens, there’s no limit to what they can achieve.
Esther Wojcicki is an educator, journalist, and bestselling author of “How to Raise Successful People.” She is also the co-founder of Tract.app and chief parenting office at Sesh. Follow her on Twitter @EstherWojcicki.
She gets paid to write this drivel?
My oldest is studying Aerospace Engineering and is in AFROTC. My youngest is a U.S. Marine. I think my wife and I did alright.
This is so true. When my sons were very young, hubby said I should make them do the dishes. I thought that was asking too much of them. I could do it quicker, they couldn’t reach the sink, I’d have to re-wash them, etc, etc.
I realized years later, that hubby was right. It didn’t matter that the dishes weren’t perfectly washed (how dirty could they be?) or that it took them longer than it would have taken me. The point was, that they had some skin in the game and were learning an how to do an everyday job-skill that SOMEONE had to do each day.
Now, when my grand-children ask if they can wash the dishes, I pull the chairs for them to stand on up to the sink, start the water, add some detergent, and let them have at it. (We are old-fashioned, our home was built in the mid-80’s when we were broke as heck and have no built-in dishwasher-—we figured that would come later when we had “extra funds”)
Yes, the dishes aren’t done perfectly, but they have a good time and feel a sense of accomplishment. As they get older, they do a better job at it. It matters not that they are usually soaking wet when the dish-washing is complete so then have to head to the bathroom for a bubble bath. Everyone and everything ends up clean, including the kitchen floor.
The point is, you can’t wait until your child is “old enough to take on responsibilities’. You have to start it at an early age. Thankfully, my son learned from my mistakes (himself having to learn late in life as to how to wash dishes or clothes), and has even his three year doing her chores. She is in charge of drying the bowls and putting them on the correct shelf. That was the job her older sister had previously.
Mothers especially coddle their children way too much. We do not want them to face too many challenges or put themselves in a situation that will upset them. That’s just our nurturing way. That’s why children need fathers in their life. Great fathers challenge their children to step out there and put themselves in the front of any situation and teach them to problem-solve in a way that mothers cannot do.
Having your kids be independent and learn how to do things is not “drivel”. I may not agree with her political leanings, or how she goes about some things, but her point of “parents need to stop coddling their kids” is dead-on.
Wonder if she can define successful. Just because your a doctor or ceo doesn’t, necessarily mean your successful. It just means you have money. Plenty of miserable rich people out there.
Always treat them as serious human beings who have valid thoughts to share.
Interesting.I know a fellow who had a very domineering mom. Mom only wanted to hear two words, Yes mom. He was treated as though he was perpetually a ‘wet behind the ears kid who knew nothing’. He was constantly expected to keep his mouth shut and stay out of the way. Reading, happily, was one of the few activities mom approved of, until she didn’t for some reason. having friends unto; high school was not encouraged as the ‘caused trouble’. Taking any kind of initiative was definitely discouraged, this included dressing and undressing until early teens; mom can do it faster and better and letting junior do it ‘caused trouble’. Any independence of thought brought down heavy disapproval and endless repitition of Biblical admonitins to ‘respect your father and mother’, which meant ‘keep your mouth shut and do as you are told. Surprisngly this man did not turn out as a mental patient or a criminal although he certainly was only a marginal performer. Against parental strongly stated desires he did join the military and served more than one tour in Viet Nam. His parents made it clear they found having a son who was an ‘enlisted person’ to be unacceptable and the several decorations for valor he received were treated as some sort of embarassment when his peers were becoming lawyers or something important in graduate school. Zero defects parenting is not a good way to go.
You got that right. To some people, more stuff means more headaches.
When my maternal grandpappy died, the crowd at the funeral was impressive. He was 86, so he had outlived most of his contemporaries. Nevertheless, he was a good man, and a good carpenter and farmer. A man there told me, “your granddad was a huge success, just by the sheer number of friends he had. And many of them aren’t here to pay their respects”.
In a secular society wealth is literally everything. Frequently heard ‘Wealth buys power, power insures respect, power enables one to get what they want. When we die we cease to exist. The only things that matter are money, power, possessions and high grade ass.
**Plenty of miserable rich people out there.**
In the late 80s I worked on private light aircraft (mostly singles and some twins). Met their owners often. For every decent polite doc or lawyer, was one that had “about as much personality as a gunny sack full of dead cats”.
(A saying a heard my father-in-law waaaay back. A great guy, I really miss him)
[[For every decent polite doc or lawyer, was one that had “about as much personality as a gunny sack full of dead cats”.]]
I try to give them some slack because they have to deal with folks who are miserable miserable people day in and day out- they have to put up with those people’s abuse all the time- i don’t know they do it- and manage to remain somewhat calm- those docs that are miserable but great doctors or surgeons i give a pass to for that reason - they have to deal with folks who are drug addicts, raging liberals with anger issues, who loose their cool at the drop of a hat etc- i now sure that would have the personality to last at a job like that-
Yes, I shouldn’t be so mean.
The rudest doc was an Aussie. Didn’t give me a good impression of his past.
well, i think though, and should have posted, that some docs are just really rude, crude, and have horrible personalities- and I don’t care how good they are as surgeons, I will find another just as good with a much better personality- but if they are obviously stressed, and trying to remain calm, but are maybe short tempered, I try to give em benefit of doubt knowing what most have to go through- but admittedly some though are just real dubs-
I read this article earlier.
And I thought: Many kids set their alarms, wash dishes, make their own decisions, etc. That alone can’t be the reason her daughters are CEOs and a doctor.
Yet, she writes many articles doling out parenting advice as if she’s an expert because her daughters became CEOs and a doctor.
So, I searched further:
(1) Her kids grew up in the 1980’s when most kids were home alone all day taking care of themselves. Compared to other parents back then, this woman was a helicopter parent.
(2) Notice how she wrote, “There were many unpopular parenting rules I followed as a young, single mother.” But, other articles say she’s been married for 60 years to the father of her daughters.
(3) Her husband is a physics professor at Stanford, and she has a graduate degree, too. They sent their kids to Harvard and Yale. This sounds like a wealthy family.
So, take her advice with a grain of salt.
I can attest to it working
Oh, incredibly well done, Magnatron. Congratulations to your children, and to the two of you. Years of hard work paid off for all of you. So great to hear.
Read later.
6For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. 6If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?Parents and teachers, why do you not love your children? Is is so inconvenient that you are determined to avoid the chores of making tolerable law-abiding citizens out of born criminals?
8But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.
9Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? 10For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.
11Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.
Your first sentence is today simply untrue. Even the USNC no longer ‘tolerates abusive language’ towards recruits and recruits can give DI’s a time out card. The USMA is busy teaching cadets why white men are historically guilty of crimes against various minorities and the AF academy seems to becoming a gay bath house.
Straight white normal Christian men are not wanted at any of these places and I agree. I try to discourage any young man from entering part of the woke military to include NG and Reserves.Our armed forces are being politicized like a communist state to regard us the citizens as the enemy.
Didn’t do a very good job with Susan, that’s for sure.
Are they married and have they given you many grand children.
The true sign of a good life.
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