Posted on 09/17/2022 10:01:37 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. Me: That’s quite the age difference! Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own. —Mria Murillo
I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.” —Jeannie Gibbs
Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair.” A glass-half-full kind of gal, she responded, “Well, then you won’t need to vacuum either.” —Agnes Scharenbroch
A couple had been married for nearly 50 years and, as sometimes happens, they divorced.
Once things were settled, they went their separate ways and did not see one another for a couple years when they bumped into each other at the grocery.
Woman: So how is life alone? I bet you are not doing well with out me
Man: Oh you’d be surprised. I found a young 25 year old gal who attends (he winks) to my needs (winks again). Life couldn’t be better!!!
Woman: I also found a young man of 25 and am beyond happy with how he makes me feel. (she sighs). The romance is wonderful!!
Man: Sure, sure. I bet my 25 year old is a much better lover than yours!
Woman(not missing a beat) - I bet not. It’s simple math my dear! 25 goes into 75 many more times than 75 goes into 25.
Yes, but all of it is in the link and categorized.
"It's so bad doctor. You don't realize it but I've passed gas three times since I stepped into your office. They're silent and don't smell at all but they're constant and getting more and more annoying."
The doctor writes a prescription for her and tells her to come back in a week.
Two days later the woman barges into the doctor's office.
"What did you give me doctor?!?! These pills didn't do anything about the gas except make them stink horrifically."
"Good...good." says the doctor. "Now that your sense of smell is restored, we can take a look at upgrading your hearing aids and addressing your diet."
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that?!”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “That was my mistress.”
The wife says, “That’s it; I want a divorce.”
“I understand,” replies her husband, “but, remember our pre-nup, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. “ Who’s that woman with Jim?” she asks.
“That’s his mistress,” replies her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” says the wife.
True Story:
My wife asked me why those socks are still on the floor.
I replied, “Gravity”.
If she didn’t want to know, why did she ask me?
In North Carolina it’s called a 4 car collision.
“...I replied, “Gravity”...”
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdAjnrhdNWU
An oldie but a goodie.
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