Report: Perfect Parking Spot Right Up Front! UPDATE: Gah Friggin Motorcycle

The Babylon Bee ^ | April 28, 2022 | The Babylon Bee

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new report filed by the U.S. Department of Transportation finds that each and every time a motorist gets excited about a perfect parking spot at the front of a parking lot it turns out to be a "friggin' motorcycle."

"Hey, here's one—GAH! A FRIGGIN' MOTORCYCLE!" shouted Norman Dodgson, a volunteer who agreed to drive with researchers for six months. "I hate this! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!"

The phenomenon—dubbed "Interstitial Motor Mirage" by researchers—occurs in crowded parking lots when drivers are most desperate for a space. Because motorcycles don't sit back in a space as far as full-sized vehicles the spot can appear empty and ripe for the taking.

In a majority of cases, the driver will not notice the space is occupied until after they've bragged to other vehicle occupants about how they just found a perfect spot before realizing their mistake and exclaiming: "GAH! A FRIGGIN' MOTORCYCLE!"

According to researchers, Interstitial Motor Mirage affects all drivers, even other motorcycle owners.

"UGGGGGGH!" wailed Charlie "Dasher" Bowman, a tough guy on a Harley Davidson who often shopped at Bed Bath & Beyond. "Another friggin' motorcycle! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"

Drivers who think they see a great parking spot and have their hopes immediately crushed are susceptible to fits of road rage, heart arrhythmia, and even death, say experts. In fact, DoT has filed a supplemental report on the researchers who died during the study.

In some rare cases, smaller vehicles can also cause Interstitial Motor Mirage—particularly the 1997 Geo Metro.

[V_TWIN]

For a while there Walmart used those stupid directional floor stickers to try to get people to only go one direction down each isle

The dumbassedness was thick on that one.

[Republican in occupied CA]

I’ve seen people towed (or at least threatened with such) by the local CVS. They go into the burrito joint next door.

[Republican in occupied CA]

And you notices that sometimes the ones circling forever instead of walking an extra200 feet are obese? Jeeze, if you are handicapped, get a sticker, if not, walk a bit!

[Republican in occupied CA]

Don’t most places have cameras in their parking lots? Make that dirtbag PAY

[Persevero]

Guess I’m living dangerously. But I do go into the store that the spot is for.

At Home Depot, I go into Home Depot. At Peet’s, I go into Peets. Etc.

[Don W]

Motorcyclists usually just pull in and share a spot if there is another bike in there. At least that’s how we do it here.

[rlmorel]

My Uncle Eddy was a foreign car mechanic back in the Seventies (replete with white coveralls and mangled hands that looked like hams) had a gorgeous, British Racing Green 1971 Jag XKE 6 cylinder with a tan leather interior, just like this one:

Pristine, sleek, and just beautiful. He made a practice of parking in the furthest corner of the parking lot, and one night as he looked out the window, admiring his car in the furthest corner of the nearly empty parking lot, he saw a woman park her car right next to it, get out and dent his door with hers!

Sadly, a few years later, he had a car try to swerve into a lane in front of him to try to take a left turn they missed at a light, and took off the front of the car.

Unbelievable.

My Uncle Eddie was a real character, a fixture. About 5'5" with a face like a bulldog and a stocky body to match, working into his eighties in his specialty garage (specialty was British cars!) where he lived in a nearly unfinished attic above the garage. He was unmarried, and into his late seventies, would take young women out on dates, all dressed up with a fedora on his bulldog head! He was gruff as could be until you knew him and he trusted you...

I found this picture of his brother who I never met, so I suspect his brother was the driver way back when, and he was the mechanic!

[rlmorel]

LOL, I heard that fights actually broke out over that!

I admit, I deliberately ignored those idiotic things...

[Celerity]

My friend parked his bike at the end of the spot until I showed him how a proper motorcyclist shares a spot with strangers. I pull in and park toward the curb, on the side with my bike leaned outward so a stranger can park his in the spot.

To date it’s only happened maybe twice but I get a thank you for doing it.

In another story while working in Norwalk CT we got our selves together. A friend drove a Smart and I drove a CRX. We shared a single spot next to another who drove a dually. 3 cars in 2 spots with no ill effect.

[Republican in occupied CA]

Too many towing vultures around here. Some asswipe assistant manager can cost me a few hundred... easier to walk. Best of luck :-)!

[V_TWIN]

” I heard that fights actually broke out over that”

My wife was HOPING someone would say something to her 😏

[rlmorel]

Heh, he used to heat his garage and unfinished attic room with motor oil he kept from the oil changes he did. He had a young bearded guy working for him all those years, who was a great mechanic who drove around beaters all the time. (I assumed he hated working on cars since he did it for a living, and there were a lot of rusty beaters back in the Seventies!)

I drove an MG, and would occasionally ask him advice on stuff, which nobody would dare to do unless they were getting their car fixed there, but he treated me like gold, and I never overdid it.

His Jag was a thing of beauty. He had those aluminum SU carburetors shined to a mirror gleam, and he had those cool looking screens over the flared throats instead of air filters. Man, I still lust today over that car!

[Sirius Lee]

Unfortunately this section of street didn’t.

[Flick Lives]

I always park WAY out. Too many door-dinging yahoos upfront. I’m often parking near nice vehicles that have adopted the same strategy.

—

I always find it amusing when I go hiking and people have parked their cars as close as possible to the trail head.

[Republican in occupied CA]

Damn.
I may ride a Sportster, but love those Ducatis; although a friend who has one says “Ducati- turning riders into mechanics for 55 years” :-)

[Republican in occupied CA]

Or the gym, same thing.

[1Old Pro]

People who take 1 hour 45 minutes to BACK OUT OF a space

After it takes them 25 minutes to "settle in", adjust mirrors and who knows what else they do.

[Viking2002]

What really grinds my gears - seriously - is trying to find a handcapped spot near an entrance, and almost without fail, there’s one or more cars in the spots, with no handicapped tag or designation whatsoever, and I have to park an extra fifty yards or more away to get to the door. Many times they’ll leave their engine running and have someone sitting in the passenger seat, just in case. Lookit, I’m disabled. A gimp. A Jerry’s Kid, whatever you wantt to call me. Fifty yards was a nothingburger until I got crippled up. Now it can make me or break me, and take five minutes to do it.

[Red Badger]

Check their faKEBOOK LIKES AND INSTAGRAMS AND TWITTER AND EMAIL.....................

[Afterguard]

Lol! I can completely relate to both sides of this discussion. I’ve parked my bike in these spots and surely generated this reaction. And I’ve experienced the GAH! when trying to park the car.

Gotta love the Bee!